"AITA for refusing to pay for my friend’s therapy vacation?"
I have a close friend, Lena 26f. We’ve been friends since college and generally have a great supportive relationship. For the last year I’ve been meticulously saving for a specific moderately-priced pottery course I’ve dreamed of for ages. I’ve talked about it with Lena often, and she’s always cheered me on.
Lena, on the other hand, is more spontaneous with money. Last week, she called me, sounding extremely stressed. She said she was burned out and needed a last-minute, week-long wellness retreat at a boutique resort. The catch? It was very expensive, and she couldn’t afford it.
She asked if I could spot her the money over $3,000 so she could go for her mental health. She promised to pay me back in a few months. I was taken aback and gently reminded her about my savings goal. I said, “I’m so sorry you’re feeling this way, but that money is earmarked for my course. I can’t lend that amount, especially for something non-essential.”
I offered to help her find more affordable therapy options, free local retreats, or even spend a decompression weekend together camping. Lena got upset. She said, A real friend invests in their friend’s well-being. This isn’t a luxury it’s a necessity for me right now. Your pottery can wait, my mental health can’t. She accused me of prioritizing a hobby over her crisis.
I stood my ground, saying that while her health is important, it’s not responsible for me to drain my specific savings for her impulsive, high-cost solution. Since then, it’s been tense. She’s posted vague things on social media about learning who your real friends are, and some mutual friends have hinted I could have been more supportive. AITA for refusing to pay for Lena’s therapy vacation?
Here's what people had to say to OP:
AuthenticDru wrote:
NTA if it’s really a necessity she should either take out a personal loan or use credit cards to pay for the retreat.
OP responded:
That's a very practical point. If the retreat was a non-negotiable medical necessity, established financial tools exist for that. My role as a friend is to provide emotional support and company.
UrbanYeti0 wrote:
NTA she wouldn’t pay you back, she’d make up more urgent reasons why you’re being heartless and why she’s more important. Well done for standing your ground. Real friends don’t try to guilt trip friends out of their hard earned money Ask those mutual friends how much they’re lending her for her holiday? It’s easy to be opinionated when it’s not effecting them.
OP responded:
The pattern of guilt and shifting urgency is what made me stand firm. And that's a sharp question for the mutual friends, it's always easier to spend someone else's principles for them. A real friend respects a "no."
New-Independence8342 wrote:
NTA. You’re not responsible for her mental health. And that is not the only way to relieve her stress. There are less expensive ways. She is just looking to spend your money and be glad that you dodged a bullet and ignore her. Because she would come back for money asking for other stupid stuff if you keep entertaining her demands.
OP responded:
You've hit on the core issue of ongoing responsibility. My fear wasn't just about this one ask, but about setting a precedent where my savings become the solution for her financial impulsivity. Offering emotional support is my job, funding her chosen luxuries is not.
No_Arm_931 wrote:
NTA. You’re her friend, not her angel investor. I’m a metal health professional, btw. There are ALL kinds of coping strategies and exercises that are 100% free (breathing, mindfulness, journaling, meditating, writing prompts, physical movement, etc. etc. etc.). And not for nothing, but $3,300 worth of weekly therapy would be a much better long term investment than a one-time retreat experience.
Blackfenrir wrote:
NTA. Don't ever trust anyone who would use the phrase "A real friend would..." Or "If you cared about me / loved me you would..."
Moose-Live wrote:
Do her posts make it clear that she's asking for your savings, so that she can go on holiday? Or is she not quite that blatant? She is absolutely not your friend, and your mutual pals should dig deep and show the support they're expecting from you. Especially if they agree that a week at a luxury resort is the appropriate intervention for a mental health issue. NTA but please find some new friends.
Hungryteap0t wrote:
NTA but you will be if you don't tell your mutual friends to pay for her mental health break since they're more supportive than you. Also reply to her post and say you already apologised for not being able to lend her 3k, you understand she's hurt but it's unfair to put this financial pressure on you.
You're not flush with cash, you have to scrimp and save like everyone else and if you wanted a mental wellbeing trip you'd have to scrimp and save for that too. Or be passive aggressive and like everything she posts, anything about real friends you comment 💯
Better-Theme-7747 wrote:
"Last-minute, week-long wellness retreat at a boutique resort" LOL! Does that mean that she is using shopping as a means to recover?
I am really sorry that you have invested time and love in a friendship that is so one sided. I hope you enjoy your pottery course and the well being that comes from that. I hope you make some new fun friends! NTA.
jay_fran_bee wrote:
NTA. You've been more responsible with money than she has, and if I were you I'd worry that lending her this money now would lead to a slippery slope of her wanting more in future (and assuming you'll always be there to give it). I'm sorry she's feeling so down but lots of people have poor mental health and don't get to go to an expensive retreat about it.