'AITA for refusing to pay my niece’s tuition because I’m saving for my dream and I’m childfree?'
"AITA for refusing to pay my niece’s tuition because I’m saving for my dream and I’m childfree?"
I (30F) am single and childfree by choice, and rn I'm in the final stretch of saving up for the thing I've dreamt about for years: my own place, which would be a mix of a home and a studio for a business I've been setting up for a long time. I have zero shame in saying it's become everything to me, late nights poring over plans, skipping nights out, putting aside bonuses and every extra penny I make.
My sister (36F), married with 5 kids (with one coming on the way), just dropped a bomb when she asked me to cover my youngest niece's tuition, telling me it's because "you don't have anyone else to think about" and straight up expecting me to pony up to help her out because a baby's coming.
I've been sending her money every now and then the past years when I have some extra to help out and get the kids some new things for school and stuff but I've placed a boundary starting last year and have been sending less.
I love my niece, I really do; I love all of my nephews and nieces more than anything. They're all amazing kids and they light up my world, they deserve all the best... but they're my sister and her husband's responsibilities.
I explained that I simply can't right now, maybe someday, but I need to protect the savings I've built as of the moment. I told her that I'm stretched to the bone financially as it is.
And that's when it all went dark. My sister called me selfish. Said I don't care about family, that I'm prioritizing myself over her kids. And then she stopped speaking to me, and refused to visit my parents' home when she gets a wind that I'm visiting. It's been months since I last saw my nephews and nieces. I’ve tried reaching out (thinking maybe emotions cooled), but nada.
I keep telling myself: I’m not saying no to my niece, I’m saying no to derailing my future. But I didn’t expect to be treated like this or to feel like I'm losing my beloved nephews and nieces because I drew a financial boundary. So, AITA here? Am I the AH for protecting my dreams, even though I love my niece so much?
Here is what readers had to say in response to the OP’s post:
Not your monkeys not your circus and rude to ask you to cover it just bc u don’t have kids.
Right? Their choice to have kids shouldn’t become your responsibility.
Glittering_Map_9927 (OP)
Thank you. I just really love my nephews and nieces so much that it hurts to say no, but I have to put my foot down. I chose to be childfree to be financially free of all that, I just can't believe my sister would cut ties with me because she can't understand it.
Oh, she understands, definitely. She’s just pissed you’ve closed the ATM. Your sister clearly doesn’t care about you beyond what you can do for her. Protect your future. Stop sending money. Do not give in to your sister’s selfishness. Also, DO NOT ever tell your family about your financial situation. It is none of their business and will lead to demands like this one.
If you want to help your niece offer to help her apply for scholarships, grants, etc. Also, WTF is with these parents wanting other people to pay their kids’ tuition?? My parents didn’t (and they certainly could have) and I worked my tail off to get scholarships and grants and got loans for the rest of it.
Enjoy the peace and quiet of your crazy sister not talking to you!!
Of course you are NTA. Your sister is not entitled to your money. You are allowed to have your own dreams and priorities, without apology. Her using her children to blackmail you is straight up abusive. I am sorry you have lost a sister and niblings but clearly you were nothing more than an ATM to her.
NTA. Your sister is the one who chose to have 5+ children when she can't provide for them. Helping out with school supplies is 1 thing, but paying for their college is ridiculous. If her parents can't afford it, then she will need to take out loans like every other college student. It sucks for your neice, but this isn't your fault and certainly not your issue to solve.
Five kids are a helluva lot of kids. She and her spouse should’ve planned better. Their lack of control and responsibility is not your problem. Your responsibility is to yourself. You are planning and saving for the future you desire and deserve. Don’t fall prey to her manipulation. Stay strong and live the life you have worked hard for.
Exactly. I would suggest that OP offer to cover co-payments for her brother-in-law's vasectomy.
Seriously. This sister is delusional. OP, if you send anything at all to this family, make it child-specific. Your sister lacks common sense and the ability to plan and budget. She also lacks the forethought to purchase birth control.
She has CHOSEN to turn herself into a brood mare. You are making life choices thoughtfully and with an end game in mind. She has a disgusting sense of entitlement to your hard-earned property.
Glittering_Map_9927 (OP)
I've learned this the hard way years ago, with their 2nd child. Had to take them to the store and buy them the school supplies myself because I learned the previous year my sister used it to pay their bills (a necessity, but still, I sent them money specifically for my nieces' things).
NTA. Your nieces/nephews are not your responsibility, they’re your sister & brother-in-law’s. They chose to have children. They chose to have five children. You have been very generous helping them financially, as I’m certain they wouldn’t help you if you asked them to cover your mortgage for 4 years.
You are being financially responsible to yourself. If you choose to help them after you’ve secured your own future, that’s your call.
NTA do not give into her emotional blackmail. Quite honestly, your sister is putting her own wants and needs above those of her existing children. Every time she gets pregnant, it limits her ability to provide more opportunities for the children she already has.
Your sister is entitled attitude. It’s totally unacceptable. You are correct in that she and her husband are responsible for providing for their children, not you.