Family feud erupts over wedding funding after child called ‘a mistake’ by bride’s sister. AITA? NEW UPDATE
"AITA for refusing to pay my sister’s wedding expenses after she called my child a 'mistake?'"
epicfailwhale
Hi, guys, so I created a profile just for this - I have a main account I use for my art. I don't really know how to post on this sub though, so please excuse any mistakes - also I think it's important to give a TW as this had violence and death involved and I know from personal experience that it can be triggering:
So, I (F32, Deanna) am the eldest of five siblings, and I’ve taken on the role of the family caretaker for as long as I can remember. I helped our parents until their passing, and, frankly, it’s exhausting.
Dad died of brain cancer 3 years ago, and it was heartbreaking to watch him deteriorate over time, and Mom passed peacefully overnight after a long hard battle with breast cancer earlier this year.
So as the oldest, I just sort of became the de-facto parent. I don't mind as I love my siblings, and its kind of my thing to "big sister" friends and family a lot. I'm sort of ship's counselor, and I financially help out my family. I don't mind, as I work in tech, have a side gig doing art, and inherited land and money from mom and dad- all that to say it's no real loss.
A few years ago, I adopted my cousin’s "Charlie" M45 child who I will just use her nickname "Decker" (my baby loves kickboxing) after my cousin went to prison for murdering the Decker's mother in an alcohol and drug-fueled rage - which is too long a story to add here.
It was a chaotic year of mourning, paperwork and court hearings, but the adoption was finalized when the Decker was five. Now, she’s a happy, healthy 13-year-old who calls me “Mom.”
She’s in therapy, and has been since I legally could send her as she witnessed her mother's death, and I couldn’t be prouder of how resilient she is. She's my girl, my rock-star, my whole heart and I call her that - literally "My heart".
Fast forward to my sister’s, Clara (F30), upcoming wedding. I was thrilled for her at first, and she asked me to be MOH. I cried in joy and offered for my wife "Honey" (because we like The Incredible lol) F40 and I to pay for it (don't worry I asked Honey first). But during a Bachelorette dinner I set up, she made a hurtful comment about my daughter, calling her a “mistake” and saying I “shouldn’t have taken her in.”
I stared at her and asked her what she meant and she said it wasn't like I was supposed to even have kids, as I am married to another woman - then said "no hate or anything" and laughed but then she doubled down that Decker is likely damaged and a handful.
Guys, Decker is the SWEETEST child alive. I mean she is a teen so yeah sometimes she can get challenging or rebellious here or there, but when I say she is my WHOLE heart, I mean it.
She made us a family, and made our house a home. She smiles easy, cries openly and has the emotional intelligence I WISH I had myself. She always asks "how are you doing?" and she really means it, willing to listen to people. But she's a "damaged" "mistake"!?
I felt like a character in a dark, twisted episode of a sci-fi show—defending my choice to adopt felt like fighting the Borg, like I just wouldn’t assimilate. I didn't laugh it off with my sister and her friends.
I just stared at her in pure disbelief. I think she knew I was hurt because she quickly changed the subject. I said I better get home, paid for everything and 3 more rounds and went home to my family.
My sister came over the next day to yell at me for leaving and "cutting them off" after the 3 rounds I paid for. She said I owe her a do-over for ruining the whole weekend because I can't take a joke.
Honey, who I of course told what happened, asked my sister to repeat exactly what she said about our daughter. My sister refused, and kept calling Decker "Charlie's child" and I just was holding back so many tears.
I told my sister that I wouldn’t be contributing a dime to her wedding expenses - that I won't stop helping her pay her rent up until she moves in with her husband, but I won't be in or pay for the wedding of a person who sees my child as a mistake.
Honestly, I was ready to go full-on Jedi and sever that connection but Honey helped me temper myself. My sister lost it, threw the can of soda water we gave her at me, screamed "How am I supposed to pay for this!?" and I said, "You have over a year, you can save up." - so left, showing Honey out of the way in the process and blew up our sibling group chat.
My other siblings are split. Some think I’m overreacting with cutting off funds for the wedding, while others agree that my sister crossed a line and needed the wake up call.
Now, I feel bad for my sister - I do love her and she is distressed by this - but I can’t shake the feeling that standing up for my daughter is more important. AITA for refusing to pay for her wedding after that?
I am adding this in edit option -
I've been working on my work project at a local brewery and have been silently sobbing in reading the comments.
Also wow so many comments! I was trying to reply to everyone but I honestly ran out of steam. I sent this post to my wife and also just bracing myself to talk to Decker tonight.
We want to ask her of her aunt has done or said anything cruel to or about her. I am wishing hard that shes just confused by our questions and remain oblivious of this shizzzztorm.
I love my Heart. I want her to always remain the bright, fun, loving, encouraging person she is. I don't want her to know anything about what her aunt has said. I texted my sister if she meant this, if she really sees me, my wife, and our daughter that way or was she just drunk and stupid and doubled down in embarrassment. That said, I don't want her near Decker anytime soon.
I feel so lost. I wasn't planning on ever being a parent and there is no fucking manual for this. What do I even do?? Wish me luck for tonight. I will need it because if Decker tells us her aunt has been cruel to her face, I will have to hold my wife back from swinging on my sister.
Here were the top rated comments from readers in response to the OP's original post:
I_wanna_be_anemone
If your sister couldn’t afford her own wedding, then she shouldn’t be a homophobic child hating monster. Decker didn’t ask to witness her mother be murdered, or for her sperm donor to be a murder, but frankly that doesn’t seem to be the core issue.
The core issue is that your sister is homophobic. She wholeheartedly believes that only the most broken unwanted irredeemable child could end up with lesbians for parents, likely seems to think that all the straight couples rejected Decker first (as if that’s how it even works).
Decker being raised by you and Honey is what’s wrong, she’s insulting you and your wife by insinuating there’s no way lesbians could raise a healthy functional child. This is an attack on your marriage and sexuality as much as it’s an attack on Decker herself.
If she hates lesbians to the point she wholeheartedly believes they shouldn’t be parents, then why would she even want your money? If she despises you for your sexuality, does she even love and respect you? If she claims bs that she loves you ‘despite’ your sexuality, call her out for being hom%$#%^bic. NTA.
EverythinIsShinyCapn
NTA! But your sister is a piece of work.
Apprehensive_War9612
First of all you do recognize your sister is homophobic, correct? Her comments about you were never meant to have a child in the first place because you’re married to a woman is reeking of homophobia. If I were Honey, I would completely be unwilling to financially support your sister at this point.
Secondly, everything she said about your child was not only beyond inappropriate and cruel, but is a clear indication of jealousy. You are financially supporting her. You’re paying for her rent. And now you’re paying for her wedding.
Your sister views you as an ATM. Not a sibling. And her feelings toward your daughter are clearly driven by a jealousy and a fear that your money won’t be hers as freely because you’re supporting your child. NTA.
The next day, the OP returned with an update:
epicfailwhale
I am trying to keep this short. Honey and I took Decker out to the local Oktoberfest celebrations. She had a blast, did crafts, danced to music, had "beer" (it was not beer) in a pint glass, and generally had a great time.
On the ride home my wife broached the long awaited topic. We asked her how she felt about grandma's passing then went into how everyone handles things differently.
We asked if Mama (me) or Mommy (Honey) ever was hurtful and she named a couple moments we've been snappy or wouldn't let her do things (like a party at 2am!? Hm.)
But no nothing else. We asked about Clara and she got quiet. Honey just looked at me but I was driving, so I just said "You can tell us anything, goober, you know that" and she clammed up.
I got my girls home and hugged my Heart/Decker and went to the den. About 2 hours later my wife came downstairs to me and said Decker is in bed but no asleep and I should talk to her. I asked why and she simply said that Decker is willing to talk about it. I went up.
Decker was ready for bed, in her PJs, reading. I just sat down on the side of the bed and asked her how she was. She just said "Mom told you huh?" I told her I didn't know anything and Decker then said that Clara makes her uncomfortable and said hurtful things.
When my wife and I weren't around, Clara would call her the "lost puppy" or "the stray" and once Decker remembers her to have told her to her face "You're not real family" and that once Honey and I get a "real child" we will dump her.
I can't explain the rage. The absolute, total, and complete red I saw as my daughter broke down telling me that she behaves so well and is so obsessed with grades so she can prove she is worth loving, worth keeping.
After calling my wife we sat her down and told her that she is the best thing that ever happened to us and that even if we do have more children, she is our firstborn and our love.
I cried and held her telling her she was my whole heart and that nothing will ever change that. She saved us, and I am so proud of her and us and all we've grown to become. I can't ever stop loving her. Neither can her Mom. We love her more than air. That will never change.
Then I explained that auntie was wrong for this. Auntie is jealous of her. Jealous of how much we love her. Auntie needs help but we can't give that help so she won't be around for a while. Decker asked us to stop talking to her like a child, so I was blunt.
"She's my sister and I love her. You're my daughter and I love you more." I told her my sister was wrong and hateful. I'm sorry that she didn't feel she could come to her mom or I. But she can. Every time. Any time. We will choose her. Always.
Decker asked me of its her fault I "hate" Clara and I just told her hate is a choice and I don't hate Clara. I do love her. But sometimes loving a person means you correct them. Actions have consequences.
My daughter got quiet and handed me her phone and Clara had been texting her AWFUL things since she left my home. I can't even type them because I want to throw things but it's when I read my fucking sister texting my teenage daughter "Go tell your so-called mom like a snitch and prove me right"
I took a screenshot and texted it to myself. Decker fell asleep around midnight and my wife and I went to bed. I texted my sister the screenshot and said: You come into my home as my sister and treat my child like this? No.
Mom and Dad would be ashamed of you. This is not how you treat any child. Let alone your own neice. I have loved you since as long as I can remember. I know you were not raised to treat children so terribly. But as of now, you are not accepted in my home. You will not speak to or contact me, my wife, or my child.
I will give you the money for October, Clara, but Novermber on? That's your responsibility. I am no longer going to help. I'm sorry. This breaks my heart. But you crossed a serious and unforgivable line.
Decker is my daughter. I am her mom. Do not doubt me here, and I want to be clear - if you ever come sideways at my family again, or contact my daughter at all, I will take legal recourse. From today on, we are low contact. If you try to make this into a bigger issue, it will be no contact. If you don't understand, here are resources to help spell it out. I love you, Dee.
Here were the top rated comments from readers in response to update from OP:
UnusualPotato1515
Why are you giving her money for October?! That 30 year old lady is bullying a traumatised teenage girl!! She doesn’t deserve a penny & she needs to pay for this & you’re rewarding bad behaviour. Clara deserves to rot for treating a child like that. What is wrong with her! Well done for setting boundaries.
Artsy_Fartsy_Fox
This! Coupled with her homophobia in the first post, and LITERALLY tormenting a child, I’d go full scorched earth. You gave her a warning last time and she didn’t head it. In fact, she doubled down and attacked your child directly. I wouldn’t give her a dime!
Kira_Squirrel
You are SO much more patient than I could ever be. I would have posted that to the family chat so EVERYONE knew what was happening. Don't be afraid to let others know what has happened when she tries to play victim to them.
Three days later, the OP returned with a second update.
epicfailwhale
I kept my promise to my wife to wait before reacting. She knows me best and knew I was prepared to go nuclear. Turns out, I needn't have bothered. Let me clear up a couple of small details and misconceptions I've read.
I am the eldest of the siblings. Mom and Dad have been sick for years on and off. So to those who think I've just started taken over as some weird power trip or something, no.
I've managed their finances, maintained their properties, and taken care of all their affairs before either of them passed. Dad simply wasn't mentally able after a while and mom never had a head for that sort of thing.
Yes, I was mostly left in charge of my siblings growing up. Both my parents had businesses and worked often 7 day weeks. I cooked dinner and helped with homework and whatnot.
I'm aware that's not very normal, and I already know some of you will call my parents terrible for this but they simply didn't know better. I won't hate them for any of it and as much as it caused me some negative effects, it also made my siblings feel safe.
I'm proud of being able to protect them and be there for them when they were young so they didn't feel how I felt. And yes, I am also in therapy. I was the sole caretaker of my parents when they passed.
The reasons are complicated but the short of it is, Dad got verbally abusive towards the end and mom got severely depressed and blunt. They were a challenge to deal with on the best of days. I hold no ill will towards them, but there it is. My siblings didn't want to be around them. Dad was hurt and changed his will. Mom followed suit.
For those telling me I am "rewarding" Clara by paying for literally this month, and that I'm not a real mom or a bad mom by loving my daughter's tormentor, I'm envious your world is so black and white. Rent is literally due today and the money was already in transfer to her via auto-banking. And Clara isn't getting rewarded, she is remaining housed. But from now on, she's on her own.
Clara and I used to be pretty close but she did get distant around the time Decker was adopted. I didn't know exactly why, just that the new dynamic was a challenge for her. I know she hates Charlie and considers him evil and irredeemable.
She had a really hard time losing our cousin-in-law, Decker's biological mother, as they were very close so I assume her issues stem from this. I inherited the majority of everything though my siblings got sizable sums, 3 got all but one of the businesses my parents owned, and everyone got trusts.
Clara spiraled after mom passed and had a mental health crisis. Before we got her help, she traveled, drank, and gambled away her entire inheritance. Long story for another time.
I didn't have a moment to cool down and wait until today to give myself a chance to make a level-headed decision regarding my sister. Clara has spun the tale that I am jealous she found a loving man and am withholding mom and dad's money from her.
She gave the perception that I was the one abusing Decker, putting her down, and telling her she isn't my real daughter. That shut down when I sent my text a couple days ago.
Yesterday, Clara was on my doorstep. She was crying and begging for me to let her in but my wife and her friends were inside and I made it clear I don't want her near my family as she emotionally abused my daughter and physically harmed my wife.
I told her to leave or I would call the police to have her removed. I was going to call the police anyway because I told her never to come to our home again and there she was.
There's a reason I said this in text, so I could -in an event like this- show them clear as day that she would know she is welcome. Clara started to beg saying she will apologize to Decker and she was drunk and upset and made mistakes. I could tell she was drunk. Or high. Or something.
I told her it's not a simple "mistake" to bully a traumatized teen girl and make her feel unloved and unwanted by her own family and to text her that she is worthless and expendable. What?? I got angry and just started to raise my voice. I dont know when I started to yell but I did. I just...lost it.
She's a cold-hearted, awful, self-serving brat. Spoiled beyond belief to being so delusional that this all would just go away - that's she's entitled to the money my wife and I make, that our parents gave us after all she did.
She needs help and I am done being the giving tree here. You don't ever hurt my child. She's lucky I have a head to keep my hands to myself and luckier still that Honey isn't out here because she certainly would not so go home.
Clara slapped me across the face and called me a witch and a traitor that I choose that "demon spawn" of a child over her. That I love Decker more than my own real family and turn my back on her this way.
Honey must have been right by the door because before I could make a very bad choice she had yanked me inside, told my sister that she had 60 seconds to f off and slammed the door closed.
Clara left quickly but we still called the police and handed over the footage from our property cameras of what happened, as well as the texts from our phones. Clara went ballistic over text telling me awful things ending with her hoping I take my own life and she would celebrate.
Absolutely unhinged awful things like that. I blocked her, sent every piece of footage In a google drive and dropped the link in the sibling group chat and sent it to "Kevin" her fiance.
I then sat down and cried myself into a fit before Decker came home from practice. I put on my "mom" face for her and made sure she did her homework then I went to the den and called my aunt - Decker's biological grandmother - and told her what happened.
My aunt told me that Clara is renewing her conspiracy that I harming Decker and that I need to be careful because she suspects Clara is having some sort of mental break and might do something crazy.
Honey and I have spent this whole day working on a request for a protective order from her. Making sure Decker's school knows no one is to pick her up but us. And get a lawyer because I think legal action is needed here.
I told my eldest of the brothers that Clara needs help and asked if he could check on her because she might be as much a danger to herself as she is now presenting to be to me and my family. He got quiet and said "Can't you handle this?" And said this drama was too much and he's busy.
I was so stunned I just blurted out "Are you kidding me right now?" Before I just hung up. My other sister is now over, helping me deal with this. My other brother has gone to see after Clara, but says he will only make sure she hasn't hurt herself but beyond that she can get wrecked for what she's done.
Kevin called me and said he went through the Google drive and begged me not to call the police on Clara. He said that she has been having a really bad time, and has struggled with drinking and has been stealing his medications and he's trying to get her help. But if she gets arrested, he doesn't have the funds for bail pr any legal help.
I told him it's too late. The police have been called and he needs to get her into some sort of rehab or something. He asked for our help to pay for a facility he was thinking of and I told him to keep her away from me and my family.
He started to cry and told me I'm am awful sister. That i don't care about Clara and her struggles and that she's just lost and he's underwater trying to keep her from going off a deep end. I didn't reply after that and have just been sitting around the house waiting for the police to call back, trying to get my crying out fo the way before Decker comes home from school.
I feel wretched and terrible because not matter what I do now, it will just never feel right. I was to look after them all and now my sister is this lunatic hellbent on burning my life down and my brother is alarmingly just indifferent to it all. I am used to being the one that holds the family together and handle things. But I don't feel like I can handle anything anymore. What is my life?