Stepdad refuses to fund stepdaughter's wedding after she says, 'I appreciate you, but this is about my real family.' AITA?
"AITA for refusing to pay for my stepdaughter’s wedding after she told me I’m 'not really family?'"
Worried-Day6515
I (48M) have been married to my wife, Sarah (46F), for 15 years. She has a daughter from a previous relationship, Emily (24F). I met Emily when she was 8 years old and have always treated her like my own daughter.
I paid for her schooling, supported her hobbies, and was there for every important milestone. Her biological father has been mostly absent and only occasionally drops in to play the “fun parent” role, but Emily has always idolized him, no matter how little he actually does for her.
Fast forward to a couple of months ago—Emily got engaged to her longtime boyfriend, and Sarah and I were thrilled for her. Emily told us she wanted a big, beautiful wedding, and naturally, my wife and I offered to pay for it.
I’ve been saving for years, thinking I’d one day help Emily with her wedding, as any father would. We even started discussing venues, dress shopping, and all the other exciting things. I was genuinely happy to make this day special for her.
Last week, during a family dinner, Emily casually mentioned that she wanted her real dad to walk her down the aisle. I was a little hurt, but I stayed quiet because I know how much she loves her biological dad, and I didn’t want to ruin her moment.
However, when she started talking more about the wedding plans, it became clear that I wasn’t included in anything. She said her “real family” would be involved in all the important roles—her bio dad walking her down the aisle, her mom in all the pictures, and her “real siblings” (from her father’s side) being part of the wedding party.
I couldn’t hold my tongue anymore and asked, “Where do I fit into all of this? I’ve been there for you for 16 years, supporting you in everything.” Emily gave me a cold look and said, “Well, you’re not really my real dad, are you? I appreciate what you’ve done, but this is about my real family.”
I was stunned. My wife didn’t say a word, and I just sat there, feeling like I’d been kicked in the gut. After dinner, I told Sarah that I wouldn’t be paying for the wedding if I wasn’t considered “real family.”
Emily called me selfish and accused me of trying to “buy her love” by paying for the wedding. She said it was her day and that I should respect her wishes. Now, Sarah is begging me to reconsider because Emily is “young” and doesn’t mean it, and we’ve already committed to paying for it.
I love Emily, but I feel like I’ve been treated like an ATM rather than a father figure. AITA for refusing to pay for a wedding where I’m not considered part of the family?
Here were the top rated comments from readers in response to the OP's post:
Turbulent_Ebb5669
I am so sorry. This is so heartbreaking. NTA at all. the REAL family can pay for that ungrateful snots wedding.
_Ravyn_
Offering to pay for the wedding of a "Daughter" is not buying love, it's normal. And NOT paying for "Someone else Daughter" is normal too.
Thorgen
Well, if his wife thinks paying for the wedding would be considered "buying her love", then that's clearly an inappropriate thing for the OP to participate in anymore. One needs to be glad that got sorted out like this.
AnnoyedRedheadedMom
NTA what she was more hurtful than being deliberately snubbed. Her real family can foot the bill, as this seems to be all about them. At no point did she apologize and express any appreciation for all you have done for her. Your wife should spoken up. A GOOD mom would make sure her child knows how to be thoughtful and appreciative.
iknowsomethings2
NTA. I’m so sorry she has treated you so poorly. If your wife doesn’t step up and tell her daughter that her behaviour is disgusting and that actions have consequences (I.e. not having your wedding paid for), then she isn’t being much of a wife to you?
Do not pay for the wedding. Your stepdaughter can suck rocks. She should get daddy dearest to pay for it instead. Go on a wonderful holiday with the money. You deserve it.
dvonbtgardn
Sadly this was a missed chance for Sarah to step in & mediate in the moment. Instead of current damage control, she should have taken the opportunity to back you up - while also offering some understanding perspective to Emily in regards to the position you’re each in.
Emily may still be acting like a child, but is an adult & it seems like both her and Sarah aren’t wanting to deal with consequences of hurtful words. It sounds like you were doing what you could to not centre the experience on yourself…. until you couldn’t. Everyone needs healthy boundaries.
NTA a thousand times over if you are the parent you’ve portrayed. This seems to be a case of your partner dropping the ball after Emily showed some wild immaturity & lacked some real tact.
Far_Prior1058
NTA - the fact that your wife did not step up to defend you is something you need to address as well. If you are not family you need to not only stop paying for anything but also take a step back from Emily. Let her mother and “real” family deal with this and pay for it.
Redirect your time, energy and money toward those who value you for more than your wallet. Beware the sudden change that will come when you pull back. Good luck. Update me!