'AITA for refusing to pick up my BF after he spent all his money drinking and missed the last bus?'
"AITA for refusing to pick up my BF after he spent all his money drinking and missed the last bus?"
I (32F) have been with my boyfriend “Dan” (49M) for almost five years. We have a 2-year-old son together, and I also have a 10-year-old daughter who lives with us. Dan is a recovering alcoholic. Two years ago we broke up because of his drinking and he went to rehab. After that we both tried to work on ourselves and eventually got back together.
Unfortunately, he started drinking again from time to time. For the past three years I have been the main breadwinner. I work and cover all household expenses (housing, food, bills, etc.). Dan stays home with our son and receives about 300€ per month in government benefits for childcare.
To be fair, when he is present and sober he is a great father. He is patient, playful and engaged with our son. The problem is that when he gets tired or stressed, he checks out completely and I end up carrying everything alone.
After years of giving him money for drinking, taxis and other things, I finally decided about five months ago that I needed to set boundaries. I stopped giving him extra money and stopped rescuing him when he drank too much.
Last weekend he received his monthly 300$ and spent the entire weekend out drinking. By Sunday evening he had run out of money and asked me for a 50$ loan. I sent it to him.
At 10:30 pm he called me and said he was going to miss the last bus home and had no money left because he stayed at the bar too long. He asked me to come pick him up. I told him no. The kids were asleep, and I said it was his responsibility to get himself home. He had already spent his money and also the 50$ I had just sent him. I turned my phone to silent and went to sleep.
He ended up walking about 12 miles home in the middle of the night. It took him about five hours. Now he says I’m cruel and that he would never do that to his partner. I think he’s an adult and responsible for the consequences of his choices. So, AITA?
Let's hear what commenters had to say.
People be having kids and dating the wildest people I swear
YTA to yourself. This man is 20 years older than you. He's not a "recovering" anything if the moment he gets access to stipend money from the government (money that should be going towards supporting your household), he uses it to spend the whole weekend away getting drunk.
He is not a "present and great father" if he is doing this. And your children are watching and learning. They are watching and learning from their father who is a drunk, and they are watching and learning from you that they should one day get into abusive relationships with substance abusers that treat them this way, and that they should just tolerate it, because this is how normal relationships work.
If you don't want to do any better for yourself, at least do better for your children, so you don't doom them to toxic relationships for the rest of their adult lives. You need to not only not send bus fare, you need to take your children and leave this man.
are YTA for not giving money this one time? No. Are YTA for letting your kids grow up in this mess all this time? Yes.
YTA-to yourself and to your kids. is this really the example you want to set for them-living with an alcoholic who binges every penny he can lay his hand on while you support the family-and probably do all the chores too, amirite? WHY are you enabling him? My guess is he's drinking throughout the day, even while he's ostensibly taking care of your kid.
Boundary-trolz OP:
He does not drink at home ever. He goes out to drink. But he does come home drunk and sleeps to late noon even if I have to work. I work from home so I take care of out son at the same time.
OP has made several edits to her post.
EDIT: Thank you for all the comments and perspectives. Many of you said things I had already been thinking myself, but had been too afraid to fully face. I think part of the reason I stayed so long was that I was too worried about what would happen to Dan if I left and that he would end up with nothing. I need to prioritize myself and, most importantly, my children, and be a better parent.
Over the past months I had already started emotionally detaching from the relationship and setting stronger boundaries. Reading the responses here helped me realize that I can’t keep carrying everything alone while Dan only adds to my stress.
I’ve now decided to leave the relationship. Dan has also said that he wants to break up, and it seems that my new boundaries are something he isn’t willing to accept. I will be setting a move-out date for Dan. Thank you again for the honesty and advice. I needed those harsh words to finally make this decision and move forward.
EDIT 2: I also want to explain why I think I have been so blind to this situation for so long. I kept comparing our situation to that of a stay-at-home parent who has no income and no life outside the home. I felt that it wouldn’t be fair for someone to be stuck at home without any money or independence. That became my excuse for a long time.
Dan also spends a lot of time programming and writing a book, which takes his attention away from our child. He has accused me of prioritizing my own work — the work that actually pays our bills — while not valuing his projects because they don’t bring in any money.
Looking back now, I realize I allowed Dan to manipulate me for far too long. Two years ago the situation was much worse than it is now. Because of that, the current situation didn’t feel that bad in comparison. I didn’t have the perspective to see that “less bad” is still not the life I want or the life my children deserve.
I also want to add that even though Dan struggles with alcohol, he is still an intelligent person and capable of being a good parent. He has helped me a lot with parenting skills and also helped me build my self-esteem and confidence, even if that may sound hard to believe given the situation.
He is not an entirely bad person. The good does not erase the bad, and the bad does not erase the good. Life is not just black and white. I have decided to leave the relationship anyway, and I feel relieved and at peace with that decision. The future looks better now. I will be updating about the moving-out process.