'AITA for refusing to provide 100% financially when my wife wants us to split housework & parenting?'

"AITA for refusing to 'be a man' by providing 100% financially when my wife still wants me to split all the housework and parenting with her?"

My (36M) wife (34F) recently decided she wants to be a full-time SAHM, not because of young kids (our daughter is 12 and pretty self sufficient), but for “traditional values." BUT, she also wants me to provide all the income, and “be a man."

I work over 60 hours a week now. I handle all of our expenses, but she expects me to split cooking, cleaning, school runs, even child rearing 50/50. She says real men “don’t treat their wives like maids” If I tell her I’m exhausted after a 10-hour day and ask why she can’t handle more of the home stuff, she accuses me of being sexist.

I argued that if I’m the only one working, shouldn’t the housework and kid stuff be mostly on her since she’s at home all day? I’d still help when I can, but it doesn’t make sense for me to work all day, be sole provider, and then also do half the house work. She says if I really loved my family I’d have energy for both.

She tells her friends I’m lazy and just want a servant, but honestly, I feel like I’m the one being taken advantage of. I told her if she wants me to help 50/50 with the household, then she can get a job and contribute financially. AITA?

What do you think? AITA? This is what commenters had to say:

Pipper376 said:

As a woman YNTA. Part of the “traditional” wife role that your spouse claims to want is to create a soft landing pad for the person who is fully financially supporting the family. Yes, as the dad you still need to be there for your wife/kids in other ways, and yes you should help at home because you live there… but 50/50? NOPE. Sorry your wife is selfish.

ribbitirabbiti626 said:

NTA sounds like your wife wants you to be her slave 🤷🏻‍♀️ Parent as much as you can but house hold chores should be her job.

CozyCoco99 said:

Your wife is tripping. She can’t be serious. That scenario only applies if she’s working.

OP responded:

That's what i tried to explain to her. I told her okay, i'll do 50/50 and cut my hours tp 40/wk if you get a 40/wk job too

Intelligent-Pause260 said:

Your wife doesn't care about "traditional values". Going to work sucks and she knows it. Working 60 hours a week is exhausting and robs you of your time with your family. I would tell her she's going to keep working. If she refuses, then I'd threaten divorce in which case she'll STILL have to work but will only have one income and see her kids half the time.

Mysterious_Cat1411 said:

INFO: is she asking you to do 50:50 of everything or 50:50 of the tasks that fall outside of your working hours?

Its not unreasonable to ask you to contribute equally to what needs to be done in the house outside of the hours that you work - or are you expecting her to 100% of the work 100% of the time? If that’s the case - YTA for not understanding that she also deserves time off and help. Its not acceptable to ask her to basically be on call 24/7.

If she’s asking you to do jobs that could easily be done in normal working hours - aka during HER WORKING TIME, than NTA.

OP responded:

50/50 of household chores like cooking/cleaning or taking our daughter to practice on weekends. She's not even factoring in that i do all the house and car maintenance by myself.

Ok_Zookeepergame2900 said:

What does your wife do all day?

OP responded:

She has a group of friends and plays pickleball or goes for a run with them in the morning, then they go hang out and talk or whatever at a coffee or brunch spot, then she cleans or cooks before we get home. Watches some netflix or whatever in between.

the_frgtn_drgn said:

NTA. I say this as I'm going to a similar situation. She wants the traditional/religious rols and responsibility when it's in her favor. The husband is 100% financial taking care of everything, the husband can't touch her money ( she makes more than I do and is in a 9-5 job with strict hours), the husband is providing all the luxuries.

But when it comes to the expectations on her from the same sources, she doesn't do any cooking, she's to tired to do the cleaning, she doesn't want to allow me to look after my parents, she doesn't respect my wishes/decisions for the household. Thankfully for me their are no kids and it's only been a few years, but after released attempts from me to reconcile, it's divorce.

OP responded:

Yeah when my wife was working she didnt want me to touch any of her money either, she didnt even want it going to bills, it was just for her personal spending or whatever she decided. Glad you got out, it's looking that way for me too.

VarietyFinancial8263 said:

If you didn’t have a wife , you would have to pay every thing, 100% cook, clean take care of kids etc. Your job is 60 hrs vs hers is unpaid 24/7. Keep that in mind when speaking to her. She also deserves time off to relax. 😊

And OP responded:

She would also have to get a job AND 100% cook and clean and take care of the kids. If we divorce 50/50 custody and I can just reduce my hours and ill gladly cook and clean for myself.