'AITA for refusing to pump so that my MIL can feed my baby?' UPDATED

"AITA for refusing to pump for my MIL?"

So I am a first time mom and this whole experience has been very overwhelming for me. My wonderful baby just hit 3 months and is officially no longer a newborn. I have been lucky enough that I have good supply so my baby girl is exclusively breastfeed except for the any excess that we use when my husband does her night feeds.

I have made it very clear to most of our friends and family that I don't want anyone but me or my husband feeding her. My MIL has been slightly annoyed bordering on judgemental about this but has mostly kept her mouth shut. We have never had any issues in the past so I just chalked it up to her wanting to bond with the baby. I might allow it when she's older but for now I'm not comfortable with anyone else doing it.

So we were over at my in SIL house for her son's birthday and while all the cousins and husband's played outside, me and all the ladies sat inside playing pass the baby. She ends up in my MIL arms and begins to fuss and make her hungry cry. I stood up and went to take her before she pulled her back and told me to go make a bottle.

I told her no, that I would go to the guest room and feed her. My sister in law stood to and said she had some formula and would make it for me. I refused again and quickly took my baby, saying she's never had formula and I don't want her to be sick. My MIL sighs and rolls her eyes and asks "Why don't you just pump some so I can feed my baby?"

I must have been visibly horrified because one of my other SILs stood and tried to guide me away by my shoulder. I took her to the other room to feed her and sat in there with her for the rest of the party. The sister in law whose party it was came to find me. I almost hit her when she said.

"Don't you think it's a little selfish you won't let mom feed the baby, you could have just pumped a couple ounces for her." I said I will never pump anything for anyone because I'm not a cow, and she's MY baby. She declared I was being bitchy and walked away.

My husband doesn't know this is all happening but on the ride home, his mother and two of the other wives texted me to tell me it was unfair to hog my baby and to make it so she couldn't bond with anyone else and that I should have just pumped before I came so I didn't have to hide her away.

My MIL specifically said that I was being so selfish with her only granddaughter, and it wasn't fair to her that she couldn't even feed her baby. I just texted back that it wasn't her baby and put my phone on do not disturb. I know I should tell my husband but I don't want to add more strain as he and his mother are still trying to heal their relationship from when they had a big fight a couple years ago.

I don't want to cause drama but I'm starting to feel very guilty, especially since I'm still getting tons of texts about how cruel I'm being. AITA for Refusing to pump for my MIL?

Edit: small bit of context. My little sister choked whilst being fed by our great aunt. She hadn't been holding her properly and my sister had to be rushed to the hospital. I was very young but the memory is still very fresh in my mind even when my husband is feeding our baby. I never want my baby to be unsafe while being fed and I worry about other people feeding her because of this.

What do you think? AITA? This is what commenters had to say:

Wingnut2029 said:

Not telling your husband just allows MIL to slant the event to her advantage. Keeping secrets from your husband, even for his own good, is bad precedent. NTA.

OP responded:

I'm definitely sitting him down when he gets home from work. I hate to make their relationship worse but this whole thing is making me realize she probably shouldn't have a ton of access to me or baby.

beth-trader said:

NTA As you said, you are not a cow. This is the natural way for this to go because we were made to breastfeed and bond with our babies. MIL already had her babies and her baby bonding.

Elegant-Design-2511 said:

NTA. They actively got bonding time. What do they think holding the baby is? Bonding time. Feeding a baby is not the only way to bond with them. Neither of my daughters took a bottle. My parents still bonded with her plenty.

I actually think they only ever gave a handful of bottles to my son because I was pretty adamant on the beginning about being the only one to give him a bottle once a night (he nursed every other feeding) since my husband was gone for training and couldn’t have that experience.

My son is a total Grammy’s boy at almost 5 years old. My middle is a complete Papa’s girl at almost 2. They didn’t need to feed them bottles in order to create the bond they have with them. My daughter actually was not fond of my dad until she was about 10 months old. She would scream if he even looked at her 😂. Sounds like MIL and your SILs are just boundary stompers and have 0 respect for you.

OP responded:

I guess all the other wives have let her feed their babies. My husband had 4 brothers and one sister and of them all I'm the only one whose had a girl. It's been a whole fuss and I've already let her have so much more time with baby then I would have liked.

My FIL couldn't care less and doesn't even want to hold her, but he's not a baby guy. It's also hard because I don't have my parents in my life so I want her to have grandparents and I want to keep the peace.

Bella-1999 said:

Seriously? I chose to breastfeed partially because it was convenient, after all, my breasts went everywhere we did. Pumping is inconvenient and extra work. Your MIL needs to back off, your SIL needs to butt out and I urge you to tell your husband about this nonsense.

Ok_Independence_3372 said:

Oh hell no tell your husband and let him deal with his mother and sisters/in-laws. I would not go around them until they can respect your decision.

OP responded:

I really feel like I should have gone to him initially but they have been tense since baby was born and I was scared to damage their relationship anymore. Apparently he's still not over their fight.

Later that day, OP shared this update:

So after everyone's suggestions I decided I was going to talk to my husband when he go home from work. I put baby down to sleep before initially posting and I posted because of all the messages from MIL and SIL'S. Apparently his oldest brothers wife had called him today at work and told him what my mother had said and what the other wives had said when I left the room.

We sat at the kitchen table and I had him read the messages from start to finish. He was upset with me at first for keeping it from him then hugged me and said he hated that I had to go through this alone. He went upstairs to call his mother.

He told me after about 10 minutes on the phone that until baby is a year, MIL will have minimal contact, as well as his sister not being allowed around the baby either. He told me to block both their numbers for the time being and so I did.

He also told me that their fight 2 years ago was over his mother trying to get him back with his ex right after he proposed to me and that's why they stopped talking for the rest of that year. He said he told his mother that if she pushes for more next time we give her an opportunity that it would be her last chance at a granddaughter.

This has all progressed so quickly and everyone was right about talking to my husband. I wish I had gone right to him when it happened, but I was so worried to put more strain. Thank you for all the advice!