'AITA for refusing to reconcile with my father after he walked out on my disabled mother and left me to carry the financial and emotional burden?'
"AITA for refusing to reconcile with my father after he walked out on my disabled mother and left me to carry the financial and emotional burden?"
I (31M) have been financially supporting my mother (63F) since 2021 after my father (61M) left her after 26 years of marriage. Some backstory, because context matters here.
My mom grew up in a really abusive home and married her first husband young. He was an alcoholic with schizophrenia and was abusive the entire marriage. That relationship left her with a lot of PTSD and emotional trauma, chronic back and neck injuries, and the loss of a baby.
She eventually met my dad and he seemed like everything she needed. Calm, gentle, and stable. She said it was like she could feel god poking her in the arm saying, 'See, I told you I had someone for you" when they were on their first date. They married and had me.
My childhood was mostly good. We didn’t have much money and there were a few times we went to bed hungry, but we survived. My dad did have anger issues that upset my mom, but he never hit her.
Later down the line, once I graduated and moved out, things between them actually got better and they were talking about retirement and the future. In 2011 my mom had a big health scare. She had an acoustic neuroma, which is a tumor on the hearing nerve in her brain.
After surgery, she was permanently deaf in one ear and lost her balance nerve. She literally had to teach herself how to walk again. After that she was mostly okay until 2018, when she was diagnosed with Parkinson’s. Not long after that they also said she had MS, which later turned out to be wrong.
Around the same time they found another tumor in her spine, a schwannoma, which is the same type as the one she had on her hearing nerve. She did radiation and thankfully that worked.
As her Parkinson’s started getting worse, my dad got really into a Facebook group where people post dashcam footage and make fun of bad drivers. Some women in the group started giving him attention. My mom warned him not to let it mess with his head.
Then she started getting anonymous messages from bot accounts saying he was cheating. Eventually she found messages showing he was planning to leave her. She didn’t confront him because she wanted him to actually say it himself.
Instead, one night he just moved out and into another woman’s house.
At first he offered basically nothing. He said he’d help by splitting the car insurance.
Eventually that turned into about $150 a week. After he left, my mom declined fast. She lost a ton of weight, fell into a deep depression, and her Parkinson’s symptoms got way worse.
Walking became difficult. Her boss at work was a complete AH and started making her life miserable. After a fall and some time off, her doctors decided she couldn’t keep working and forced her into disability retirement.
While her pension was being processed, she had zero income.
I stepped in. I was 25 at the time and started working 72+ hours a week as a paramedic just to keep her from getting evicted. Most paychecks I was sending her around $2,000. Basically everything I had left after my own bills. During that same time my father was contributing around $300 a month and saying he couldn’t afford more.
Important detail: the relationship he left my mom for ended less than two weeks after he moved in. He then moved back to his childhood home with my grandma. He was working full time and only really had a car payment. Still couldn’t “afford” to help his disabled wife. So his 25 year old son was supporting two households. That part still makes me angry.
This went on for years. Eventually my mom’s work pension got approved, which helped. And this last year, after almost FIVE years of fighting Social Security, she was finally approved for full disability. That gave me some breathing room. I still send her about $800 a month so she can afford gas and groceries. My father still only sends $150 a week.
I’ve said to friends and family more than once that when he retires and can’t pay his bills, I’m not going to be the one supporting him. I’ve also said things like “he’s dead to me.” I feel guilty about saying that, but I’m also really angry.
I don’t have any siblings. My mom is basically the only family I have left. I’m not married and I haven’t had a real relationship since all of this started. Through a lot of conversations and processing over the years, I think part of that is because watching my dad walk out made “forever” feel fake. Like your forever person will just walk when life gets hard.
I’ve thought about reconciling with him just so I don’t have regrets later. But every time I’m about to reach out, something happens. My mom needs money, or something breaks, or she’s short on meds. And he refuses to help.
So here’s my question.
AITA for refusing to reconcile with my father?
I don’t like the idea of unresolved stuff or unspoken words. If he died tomorrow, I know I’d be a mess. But I’m still so angry. Not just that he left, but that he doesn’t seem to care enough to take responsibility even now. Am I wrong for drawing this line?
Here’s what people had to say to OP:
INFO: are they divorced? If not, she should talk to a lawyer to see what she is entitled to. Has he made overtures towards you about reconciling?
ya_boi_mass (OP)
Not divorced- He doesn’t have any real assets other than a small retirement account. He served her with divorce papers and the attorney I paid for said we wouldn’t get much. But it was enough to scare him off and keep him contributing his measly amount for the time being.
He used to text me on holidays and my birthday but hasn’t really made an effort himself to reconcile. I’m pretty outspoken so I think he’s afraid of what all I’ll say when he does.
Why hasn’t your mum divorced him? Your mum should full cut ties with this man.
ya_boi_mass (OP)
I thought for a long time, she was hoping he’d come back. And initially it was, but now it’s more about she won’t have the $600 a month and doesn’t want to ask more from me. And the decent attorneys in the area want more than we have at the moment for a retainer. So, kinda stuck, but kinda holding out to save up for a decent lawyer.
NTA, let him die alone. Make sure that they are properly divorced though, when she dies, you do NOT want this vulture to come back around and take everything of hers. You have done a damn good job! Take a breath, everyone else can go to hell including the sperm donor.