'AITA for refusing to reconnect with my estranged father after he ignored me for 15 years?'
"AITA for refusing to reconnect with my estranged father after he ignored me for 15 years?"
I am 20F and I have not had a real conversation with my dad since I was 5. I am 20 now. For the past 15 years he has made no effort to be part of my life. No birthdays. No holidays. No random check ins. Nothing.
My parents divorced when I was 4. At first my dad had visitation every other weekend. He showed up for a few months and then it slowly became less consistent. He would cancel because he had to work. Then because he was busy. Then because he needed space. Eventually he just stopped coming altogether.
I remember sitting by the window with my backpack packed waiting for him to pick me up. My mom would try to call him but he would not answer. Sometimes he would text hours later saying something came up. Other times there was no explanation at all.
When I was 6 he moved to another state for a new job. He told my mom he would call me every week. That lasted maybe a month. After that I would only hear from him if my mom reached out first.
By the time I was 8 even that stopped. He did not fight for custody. He did not ask for more time. He just disappeared. Growing up I would see photos of him on social media. New wife. New step kids. Vacations. Birthday parties. He looked like a very involved father. Just not with me. That hurt more than if he had been a complete mess. He was capable. He just did not choose me.
I tried reaching out once when I was 14. I sent him a message asking why he did not want me. He responded two days later saying it was complicated and I would understand when I was older. That was it.
After that I gave up.
Last month out of nowhere he messaged me saying he had been doing a lot of self reflection and wanted to reconnect. He said he was older now and he had made mistakes and he did not want to leave this world without fixing things with his daughter.
I did not respond at first. Then he followed up again. He said he misses me and thinks about me all the time. He asked if we could meet for coffee and talk everything through. He even told me his wife thinks it would be healing for everyone.
I finally replied and told him I am not interested in reconnecting. I said I spent 15 years grieving a father who was still alive and I have moved on. I have a stepdad who showed up for me. I have a stable life. I do not feel like reopening old wounds so he can feel better about himself.
He responded saying I am being cold and unfair. He said I was a difficult child after the divorce and pushed him away. He said relationships are a two way street and I could have tried harder to stay in contact too.
That part really got to me. I was a child. I was 5 and 6 and 7 years old. I do not think it was my responsibility to maintain the relationship. Now some extended family members are saying I should at least hear him out because he is still my father. They say I might regret it someday if something happens to him.
But I do not feel regret. I feel tired. I feel like he is reaching out now because it is convenient for him and not because he actually wants to build something real. So, AITA for refusing to reconnect with my estranged father after he ignored me for 15 years?
Here’s what people had to say to OP:
N:T:A:
He disappeared for 15 years, now wants closure and blames you? That’s on him.
Thinking the step kids have been clear they're not taking care of him in his old age....
Personally, I bet he wants something from op. Maybe its the wife driving this for a babysitter, or he needs a kidney. Something. But I guarantee he's doing this for selfish, self serving reasons. Nothing he has to "offer" has any benefit to op, just to him.
Exactly after 15 years of absence, any sudden interest is probably about what he wants, not what’s good for OP. Her boundaries and peace of mind come first.
NTA. His reaction tells you all you need to know. This is all about him feeling like less of an AH, not about making amends. If he truly had reflected on his choices, he would not have turned around and a blamed a 5 year old, saying you were difficult. He’s garbage and not worth another thought on your part.
Express_Tradition895 (OP)
yes that's why I'm writing this.
NTA, my dad disappeared when I was about 10. He didn't show back up until I was 28 years old and was perplexed when I unleashed 18 years of pent up rage on him. He's dead now and I still feel no regret. You don't owe him anything and you won't feel bad about it later.
NTA. OP, you should just respond the same way he did..
"Its complicated. When you get older, you'll understand."
NTA. He doesn't get to be a dad just because HE'S finally ready. He missed the boat. Really sorry OP, I hope the love you received from the rest of your family more than makes up for how that man failed you.
NTA. He wants to reconnect so he can ease his guilt, not because he actually feels bad about what he did to you. I'm sorry he treated you like this OP, you're worth a lot more.
Sometimes people reappear after no interest for years because they want/need something. I get a feeling he wants something from op, like organ donation or something and she's the only one that can help him. He doesn't deserve it and I'm glad she said she wasn't interested.
NTA. My dad pretty much did the same thing yours did. And I spent years trying to forgive him. And I realized, I was trying to forgive him for other people. I don’t care if that man lives or dies. You don’t owe your father anything. I would curse him out and send him on his way.