Husband spends PTO on hike with mom instead of with struggling post-op wife. AITA?
"AITA for refusing to recover at home after surgery?"
I (29F) am really disappointed with my husband (30M) and furious at his mother (hag-aged F). Sorry this is so long. For context, my husband is from the West Coast, where his mother still lives.
He moved to the East Coast for college and that's were we met (after graduation). In the start of our relationship, she would visit 3-4 times a year and make him take PTO so he could entertain her throughout her visit.
After 2 years of this (while we were still dating) I asked him how we are ever meant to go on a vacation together, if his PTO is spent at home with his visiting mother? We agreed to save PTO for a trip to Europe we took in 2023 and he agreed to tell his mother he couldn't take off from work every time she visited.
In my last job, I was able to work from home 4 days a week and every time she visited, she sulked all day like a puppy who's had her toys taken away. But once my husband came home, a switch flicked and she was happy (and clingy) again.
So here's the issue now:
My husband and I moved states about 6 months ago, closer to my family. I have a new doctor who recommended me for a surgery that my old doc kept putting off.
It's not a complicated procedure and it will greatly increase my quality of life for decades. My mother-in-law decided she's due for a visit and wants to explore our new town and she'd come "to help around the house while [OP] recovers."
I'm going to be out of surgery and in pain and I really don't want to put up with her energy. However, we agreed, with my husband saying this isn't a sightseeing visit, she's here to help out (cook, clean, laundry, etc) so I can rest and recover.
She can come for a proper visit later in the year. My husband dropped me off at the hospital on Wednesday. It was meant to be surgery, then one night overnight at the hospital for observations.
On Thursday, the doctor told me my labs were not where he'd like them to be and I should stay another night for observation and new lab work in the morning. I called my husband and told him that I'd hopefully be home the next day over the phone early afternoon. He did not visit on Thursday at all.
On Friday I was discharged and called my husband to tell him that I'd be ready in about an hour. It went straight to voicemail and I figured he's probably in a meeting and I'll try again in a little bit.
After calling a few times over the course of over an hour, I called my sister, who was lucky enough to be excused from work for the afternoon (many thanks to her understanding boss). She drove 90 minutes to get me and took me home and the house was in shambles.
Laundry baskets on the dining room table, the litter box not cleaned since Wednesday morning, days of dirty plates in the sink, etc. I just broke down crying. She packed me a bag and took me to her apartment to recover for two weeks.
On Friday night my husband called me asking me where I am and that the hospital said I was already discharged. He had been on a hike with his mother and there was no cell phone service so he missed my calls, which also meant he took PTO for his mom's visit again.
Obviously, I know I can't ban him from taking PTO, but wouldn't you rather spend that freed up time with your wife who is in the hospital instead of on a date with your mom?
I told him that I no longer feel comfortable recovering in our house and I won't be returning until it's thoroughly cleaned and his mother is gone. He's calling me the AH because his mother just wanted to get to know our new area and I was wasn't able to leave the hospital, anyway, and that I was making a big deal out of this.
I yelled that he essentially abandoned me at the hospital and entertained someone whose being here was to help make recovery easier, not more stressful, and that she was here for support, not on a vacation.
Maybe it's just the pain and pain meds, but am I in the wrong here? Is this a stupid hill to die on? There's a part of me telling me to see a divorce lawyer just to see what my options are because I'm not sure this will ever change.
I know this is going to sound incredibly selfish, but I want kids but I now don't see myself having any with my husband in the foreseeable future. And if this isn't going to work out, I don't want to spend the next 5 years of wasting time and money on therapy and missing a chance to find someone I actually can start a family with, someone who can be a committed father and husband before he's a son.
Many thanks to anyone who's read all of this. Seriously, thank you, everyone. I stepped away for a while and came back to a lot of support. I think it's time to put my big girl pants on, unfortunately.
Here is what readers had to say in response to the OP’s post:
NTA mommy's boy could even be bothered to visit you in the hospital? This is DEFINITELY the hill to die on. Cut your losses and leave him to his mommy.
Exactly! Didn't visit and then went out of contact when there had already been a complication. What was his plan of those labs that needed to be watched had turned to needing to contact next of kin?
Your husband DROPPED YOU OFF?? NTA. My mother had 95 surgeries in her lifetime - my dad was at the hospital for all 95. Stay at your sister’s house and have her get your stuff. This is the mountain to die on.
Yeah, DROPPED you off at the hospital?!? Then ditched you in the hospital for not one but TWO days since he didn’t even realize you were out til Friday night? And that fact his momma was supposedly coming to help around the house shows that hubby does jack all in the home anyway - or he wouldn’t have needed help. Ditch him and let him move back home with mommy dearest.
Can you spell m-o-m-m-a-s b-o-y ? You need to get your MIL out of your marriage. Or, as you imply, find a guy who doesn't come as a package deal with his mother. NTA.
NTA. His mom’s manipulative and he’s a mamas boy. Do not breed with this man. I’d be considering divorce. He abandoned you at the hospital. My parents do not get along at all but neither of them would ever do that to the other. My husband has never done that to me and I’ve had several surgeries since we got together.
NTA! Since you are able to envision a divorce lawyer, I think that is your best bet. Mommy is clearly more important, you do not want this man-child fathering any of your children. He will never change, he has already lied to you about that. Your husband is real garbage.