'AITA for refusing to remove tattoo of my late fiancé that my BF thinks is 'inconsiderate'?' UPDATED
"AITA for not wanting to get part of my tattoo removed or covered up?"
I (38f) have been dating my bf (38m) now for just shy of a year. And I can honestly say that I do love him, but 15 years ago I was engaged to someone else. I loved this other man dearly and we intended to marry when we came back from our deployments overseas. I came home, he didn't.
I was devastated and it took me a long time to get over the grief of his death. My BF knows I was engaged he knows that we had both been in the military and that my former fiancee died. He also knows his parents gave me his flag which touched me in ways I can't fully express here.
Where the conflict comes in is I have what's known as a soldier's memorial tattoo. I would take a pic but it runs up my spine. At the base of the tattoo is my former fiancee's name, rank, year of birth, and death.
We weren't in the same unit or even the same brigade, people traditionally get someone's name though that was close to them either they served with or were friends with. Basically, our military family names and even though we were never married he was still my family.
My bf has never asked me about the name on the tattoo I think he just always assumed it was someone else I had known and lost. That is until Sunday night we were in bed and he asked me who's name it was. So I told him because there shouldn't be any secrets in the relationship.
At first, he didn't really comment about it and we went to bed but he started acting weird on Monday making comments about how it was weird I had my dead fiancee's name tattooed and that he didn't really like it.
He started wanting me to wear a shirt even to bed to cover it up. So finally last night I asked what was his problem and how could we fix it? His solution was that he wanted me to get the name removed or covered up. It was bad enough that I had my ex fiancees flag prominently displayed he didn't want to see his name. A reminder that I loved someone else.
I told him under no circumstances would that happen and he was being a jealous AH over a dead man. He thinks if I'm over him that it shouldn't be a big deal and it's weird to tattoo nonfamily members names. I said he was my family and he was being a twunt about it all. So obviously he thinks I'm the AH here. And now that I've had a chance to calm down I'm starting to wonder if I was.
I've talked to a few people and while all my veteran friends are on my side the people that aren't prior service kind of agree with him that I am being an AH and rubbing his face in things. I'd love to hear what this sub thinks because I'm lost here.
TL:DR have a soldiers memorial tattoo with my late fiancee's name. Bf wants me to get the name removed or covered up because he thinks it's inconsiderate to him.
What do you think? AITA? This is what top commenters had to say:
Simmeryetimbers said:
I am sorry for your loss. You are NTA. Your boyfriend sounds very insecure to be upset that you are honoring a dead man. He should respect that you lost a loved one.
uhhh206 said:
Not to mention, they've only been together a year and he's demanding this? I don't feel that's an appropriate amount of time to ask this of her -- if they'd gotten engaged and/or had been together several years then I could see him voicing his feelings, but even then, she would still be NTA to say no.
Appropriate-Energy said:
NTA. You have every right to keep your tattoo memorializing someone you loved. How can you be "over" someone you loved and lost? You can move on with your life, but a death is different from a break up. You deserve a partner who understands and respects that is part of you and your story. I'm so sorry for your loss. Your tattoo sounds like a lovely tribute.
MillbraeBaeBae said:
NTA. The fact that he doesn't like the idea that at 38 you ever loved another person is sad and makes me worry about what else he will ask you to change. Removing you fiance's name is the same as removing a person's name off of their gravestone. You aren't being disrespectful. He's being immature and hella controlling.
He later shared this edit/update:
Well he just texted me and reached a new low on things that he doesn't like. To the user who said he will probably have a problem with me being around my veteran friends. Well pat yourself on the back because you called it!
After arguing back and forth in texts of the long list of things he wants me to change, tattoo, not to prominently displaying his burial flag, and hanging out with my fellow former unit family, I told him I'm done. And he can race the garbage man for his stuff. (Not really but I'm shoving the things he's left here into a box).
Thank you for all your comments and insights. I'm still trying to read through them all. Each one of your thoughtful, meaningful empathetic comments have touched my heart in so many ways.