"AITA for refusing to renew our lease until he proposes?"
Hey everyone, I’m (27F) and I’ve been with my boyfriend (31M) for 6 years now. Early on in our relationship, I told him I really wanted to be engaged before completing 4years into the relationship, and he agreed back then.
Fast forward to about six months before our 4th anniversary, I brought up marriage again, expecting us to be moving forward. But he was still finishing his master’s and said he needed to get out of debt and sort out his finances first.
I wanted to be supportive, so I kept quiet and tried to be patient. Honestly he make good money, and we’ve lived together since year 2. When he did his master’s, I even moved three hours away from my hometown to be closer since my job is remote. But seeing friends and family get engaged and married has been really tough everyone asks about my ring finger, and it just feels empty.
Lately, he’s been doing great at work and seems so happy with his life, but it’s like he completely forgot what we talked about. When I brought it up again, he seemed hesitant.
He says he can’t afford a ring or a wedding yet, but he’s been talking about buying that motorbike he’s wanted since he was a kid. He said, “Our life is good as it is. Why do we need some piece of paper? You have your own health insurance, so what’s the point?”
That really broke me, after all these years, I was thinking: why don’t I deserve to be his wife? Doesn’t he love me enough to make this romantic gesture? To choose me over a bike?
I talked to my sister, who got engaged after two years, and she told me to pull back on “wife duties” until I get that title like not cooking, not cleaning, maybe even moving out, and not covering his expenses sometimes. Well when I didn’t renew our lease with him, he got really upset.
He said I was handling things terribly and that we need stability in our lives to keep the things going like we had in the past. He said I’m setting a bad atmosphere for marriage.
I told him, "I’ve been acting like your wife without the title, giving you everything, and now I’m just your girlfriend again. I’m not about ultimatums, but if you want us to get back to where we were, you need to step up and fix things". So, AITA here?
Here’s what people had to say to OP:
He will never marry you.
"it's just a piece of paper" - so why does it mater so much not to have the piece of paper?
Case in point: I got married to my husband because it was “just a piece of paper” to me, but it mattered to him. I was planning on staying with him for the rest of my life anyway, so why not make him happy?
This is why it’s important to enforce your own boundaries. You let him off the hook and now look at you. You could have been engaged to someone else by now with the time you wasted waiting on him.
You need to break up. He’s just going to keep stringing you along. Do you really want to marry someone who isn’t excited to marry you? Someone who would rather have a motorbike than secure a future with you? Someone who it sounds like would only do it to shut you up? You need to rethink your priorities (like hey, maybe put yourself first) and this relationship.
HotMessyQueeny (OP)
You’re right, I’ve been trying to be patient, but maybe that’s just letting him off the hook. It hurts to admit, but I do need to start thinking about what I truly deserve and if he’s really the one. Thanks for the (tough love) insights it’s hard but needed.
When somebody pulls out the "you don't need a piece of paper" just leave, he has no intentions of marrying you.
HotMessyQueeny (OP)
Yeah It makes me question if he truly wanted a future with me. Thanks for your insight!
He’s mad because if you move out, he can’t afford his bike anymore.
NTA
NTA. Please just leave. Stop settling for someone who doesn’t care enough about you. I just left a 22 year relationship. Married at year 12. No proposal. I swear the panic I felt the day we got married was so real. I knew deep down I deserved more. I deserved a proposal where the man I love told me how he felt about me. I deserve gratitude for things I do. I deserve gifts on holidays.
I panicked when I left. He’s hard working, successful, kind for the most part, doesn’t yell at me, isn’t abusive, etc. But damn raise your standards. How many times did he watch me cry because he wouldn’t marry me?
I just wanted him to love me. How hard is it to put something in my stocking or make sure I had gift at Christmas to. 1/2 my life was dedicated to someone who wouldn’t show up for me. So I’m choosing myself.
HotMessyQueeny (OP)
Thank you for sharing that, It really hits home and makes me realize I deserve to be with someone who truly values and shows love for me. It’s scary to think about walking away, but maybe it’s time to put myself first and stop settling for less than I deserve, Your story gives me strength! Thanks again.
NTA: he isn’t planning to propose…like ever. With that mentality he isn’t going to marry you. Regardless giving an ultimatum to marriage is absolutely a terrible way to begin a life long partnership.
YTA. Why should he ask? Sounds like you have kind of asked....he doesn't want to marry you. Stop wasting time. If he did want to marry you, he would. An ultimatum is not going to get a ring on your finger that will stick or mean anything.