'AITA for refusing to return my dream wedding dress just so my fiancée can pay for her sister to spend the night at the bed and breakfast for free?'
"AITA for refusing to return my dream wedding dress just so my fiancée can pay for her sister to spend the night at the bed and breakfast for free?"
I (27F) and my fiancée, Rose, (28f) are due to get married in spring of 2027. She's the love of my life and my best friend and I can't think of anyone better to marry than her.
About a week ago, we found our dream venue. It comes with an outdoor, venue and indoor reception. For an extra $1096 per night, we can rent an entire bed and breakfast house for the wedding party as well. Rose and I fell in love with this venue instantly and we put $2550 down payment on it for our date.
For the bed and breakfast, as it was a little out of our price range, we asked our bridesmaids, if they chose to stay over night, to chip in $100 for 1 night or $200 for 2 nights and if they couldn't afford it, that's alright, and they didn't have to stay. We would be accommodating and see them at the rehearsal dinner and wedding preparation time.
We have 6 bridesmaids total (3 for me and 3 for Rose). All of the bridesmaids who chose to stay said they'll chip in for their night(s) there and agreed that was a fair deal. (My parents are also staying and chipping in $200 as well).
Fast forward to yesterday, i bought my dream wedding dress for $3k and $400 for the veil. My dress is completely covered in glitter with rhinestones attached to the sweetheart neckline bodice. The veil also had little rhinestones attached to it.
I felt amazing and beautiful in it. (i wont share the picture as i'm not married yet.) I've been saving for my dress for 10 years as I had my dream dress in mind since I was 5 years old.
Well, this morning Rose's sister and bridesmaids, Lucy (24F), texted Rose and said that she couldn't afford to stay at the hotel. Lucy is a student in college and I understand for students, money is tight (I was once a student myself. Boy, do I know!)
Rose is also already buying Lucy's bridesmaids dress and also buying her meal at our bridal party for our bridesmaids to meet (this is important.) I asked Rose to remind Lucy that she doesn't have to stay if she cant afford it. Rose said, "I know but my sister lives about 3 hours away. She'll need a place to stay."
I told her, "I understand. How about she stays at a cheaper hotel near by? I found one for $86 a night." Rose didn't answer and she then texted Lucy, offering to pay for her stay at the bed and breakfast.
I told Rose, "Honey, we can't afford that. That is over our budget. You're already buying her dress and paying for her dinner for the bridal party. We can't afford to have her stay. Especially since I just bought my wedding dress for $3k."
Rose responded with "Spending that much on a dress is ridiculous. If you return it and bought a cheaper dress from Amazon, we can afford to let Lucy stay at the bed and breakfast."
I was shocked. I sat there frozen for a good 2 minutes before I could get my next words out. I said, "I've been saving up for this dress for 10 years. I will not be returning it for a bridesmaid, who 1. isn't even in my party and 2. not paying for her dress or bridal party meal.
If she's saving $200 on her bridesmaids dress and $40 on her meal cuz you're buying it, she can save $200 for 2 nights at the bed and breakfast that is over 1 year from now. She has time to save."
Rose got mad and walked away. Now I feel like an AH but I will not return my dress for someone who isn't chipping into the party at all. Sometimes, I feel like Lucy is using Rose for money.
It costs money to be a bridesmaid and me and Rose are spending so much on Lucy that we have to cut back on our wedding expensive just to help Lucy which, to me, isn't fair. So, AITA for not returning my wedding dress so my fiancée's sister can stay at the bed and breakfast for free?
P.S. I saved a total of $25k for my wedding. Rose saved $10k. Our wedding itself costs $34k. That spare $1000 was meant to go towards our honeymoon in Greece but it's being used up on Lucy.
Here’s what people had to say to OP:
If you can't figure this out before you get married, you should rethink what each of you wants and how you will work through disagreements.
Yeah, honestly this is less about the dress and more about how they’re handling money and boundaries. Weddings just magnify existing issues. If they can’t get on the same page now, that’s definitely something to pause and work through before locking things in.
AITAH-Throw-Away (OP)
Rose and I walk away when We get upset so we don't resort to yelling. When we calm down and get our heads straight we talk it out. We are both survivors of abusive parents and we are both in therapy. Both of our therapists suggested walking away. We always work it out in the end.
This is absolutely a valid technique for conflict resolution. Reddit might read it as walking away completely, but you’re describing taking a short break in the fight to let you both calm down enough to communicate with each other.
Who can’t save up $200 for a wedding a year from now. Why would Lucy staying at a hotel be more important than your wedding dress?
I would see if the in-laws could cover her stay.. it's kinda ridiculous that she's asking you guys instead of them.
I gotta say, I saw a red flag there that your partner was so quick to tell you to sacrifice your dream so that she looks like a Generous Sister. Is this the usual relationship dynamic between you and Rose? That she demand you do things to have her look generous/good/perfect?
The money involved here isn't the true issue. (Both Rose and Lucy have time to save the cost under discussion. ) NTA. Please bring this whole thing up with your therapist.
AITAH-Throw-Away (OP)
No this isn't usual at all. That's why I was so shocked. She's always been very supportive and helpful. I know that she loves this sister above her other siblings but she's never said something like this before. I've been thinking it's wedding stress.
This is ridiculous. You're both acting irrationally. This is her sister, find the money to help her stay at the bed and breakfast and stop turning this into a control drama. As you said, it's in a year. Save.