'AITA for refusing to sign a 'prenup' 10 years into marriage after learning of husband's infidelity?'

"AITAH for refusing to sign a prenup after 10 years of marriage?"

My husband (40M) and I (32F) has been married for 10 years. We are both in the military and he is eligible for retirement (I'm not yet). Today he brought up me signing a prenup so in case we divorce I will have no right to 50% of his military retirement. I feel like I've been gutted on the inside and here is why.

Background: when I married my husband he just got over a divorce and the ex took everything of value (new car, appliances, best furniture, etc). He was deep in credit card debt and in order to protect his future retirement he was paying her over 100K in spousal support over the next few years.

I didn't care and was working hard with him to get us out of debt and to pay off what he owed to his ex (I had no debt of my own). We lived very frugally for years while his spoiled ex was sporting a luxury car and lifestyle paid in part by our earnings. Out of 10 years we've been married, my husband was cheating on me for about 8.

It started with webcam "models" online and then he ended up cheating in real on his work trips with some of those "models" he found online. Around 10 women in real and dozens online affairs. He ended up spending thousands of dollars on this hobby of his. I found out one day 7 years ago by checking a time on his phone because it was the closest one.

Then the watsup notification popped up and I was introduced to one of the dozens of chats with so called "models" on his phone. My world fell apart.. the excuse was that he needed more, he was addicted to texting, etc, etc. When I asked for him to stop he threatened divorce. I was raised in very traditional household and I couldn't bare the shame that will come from my family if I divorce so I backed down.

I was trying to make peace with it, but I felt inadequate and a failure as a woman. Over the years he didn't stop, but the yeas of me crying over every affair made him slow down a lot in his endeavors. Over the years my career went uphill and I'm finally feeling more confident and less scared of his divorce threats.

Thanks to years of therapy and some medication I feel better and don't have intrusive self-deprecating thoughts anymore. Fast forward to today when my husband dropped the bombshell. We started talking about a mutual friend that been living with her boyfriend for 10 yeas.

Another mutual friend suggested that she should marry her SO to protect her future and the sacrifices she made in order to ensure his very successful career. I also said that I support that idea 100% as my friend is dear to me and I'm afraid to see her left with nothing if he decides to leave.

After my friends had left my husband who heard the conversation said that he has been worried for years about loosing 50% of his pension in case we decide to divorce. I had no intentions of divorcing my husband but I was hurt by the comment so I fired back that "this is my insurance in case he decides to bring a webcam model into the house since he got bored of me of whatever"

And trust me, I'm 30, but all of his APs are no more than 22. He got upset with me and went on the tangent on how women have these crazy laws protecting them and how poor men are being ripped off in their marriages.

He also brought up his ex who took a lot from him while he got nothing out of the 7 year relationship and now whe married again with a successful guy... on and on. I felt gutted on the inside, I was not crying anymore, I think I cried all of my tears out over the years. I just left for a few hours to give me some space to think.

Aside from cheating and occasional petty fights like thar he is everything I want in a man. He is reliable and smart and helps me with everything i do including our house renovation. I still love him and I'm scared to be alone and go back to dating. I don't know what to do. AITAH for immediately shutting down the prenup conversation?

What do you think? AITA? This is what commenters had to say:

Amazing_Main_9963 said:

Well i read to the 8 years cheating part and i'm just gonna say from that DO NOT SIGN A POST-NUPTIAL. He has a history and is trying to screw you over very badly especially now that the 10 year mark has passed on your marriage. Don't let him trick you into signing away what is rightfully yours if he leaves you.

Also he clearly has a type which is below 30 so as you get older he may cheat or leave you for a younger woman. Which may be his plan now but is afraid of losing his pension. Thus the post-nup now.

OP responded:

Thank you, yes prenup is never going to happen. He can threaten divorce again and again for all I care. I'm not going to move an inch. It's sad since otherwise we had a great relationship but yes, unfortunately I was never enough. I'm a little bit jealous of women who have the spine of walking away and start over.

facinationstreet said:

"Aside from cheating and occasional petty fights like that he is everything I want in a man." You should consider raising your standards.

Itchy_Lingonberry_11 said:

You're 30 why are you wasting anymore time with him

OP responded:

Honestly, I don't know anymore. I still have feelings for him. We have a house together, we work together in the same military branch, we get along really well most of the time.

4Sammich said:

That’s not how prenups work.

Edit: he’s preparing to divorce you.

OP responded:

He can try. I will not make divorce easy after everything he has done over the years.

Odd_Connection_7167 said:

NTA. At this point it would be a post-nup, but don't sign anything. See a lawyer. I'm so sorry you are in this situation. Obviously the piece of paper is the least of your worries here. I hope it works out for you.

OP responded:

Thank you, yes the prenup ship had sailed 10 years ago and I will never sign anything. I he wants to leave because of it, I will not loose sleep over this anymore. Therapy and meds work magic.