'AITA for refusing to sign a 'family contract' during my dad's wedding?'
"AITA for refusing to sign a 'family contract' during my dad's wedding?"
Radiant-Camera-474
My mom died 4 years ago and my dad's engaged to Anne. Their wedding is 3 months away and Anne has a 12 year old daughter and an 8 year old son. Dad has me (15m). Dad and Anne want this wedding to be the start of a new family life for all of us after loss because Anne's husband/her kids dad died too.
They see this as a happy new chapter and an exciting chance to grow the family or whatever. They want us to not only accept the wedding but to accept each other as family and commit to being close, loving each other, choosing each other and swearing we'll always be a family.
Anne's son is excited about it. Her daughter is more wobbly about it. She feels guilty about wanting another dad and wanting us to be a family and there's a part of her that doesn't want it. She admitted this in therapy that we're all going to. I'm not excited.
I accept my dad getting married. But I don't accept the rest of the stuff they want. I don't love Anne or her kids. I don't want another mom or mom figure to take on the role that mom should have. I don't want to commit to always being there for Anne and her kids or to promise love when I don't think I'll ever love them.
This isn't exciting to me. It's sad. It's shitty actually. It just reminds me mom isn't here and I'll never have my family back. To me this is dad creating a new family but not my new family. I told the therapist this. She wants this to be a discussion when the other kids aren't there but so far Anne doesn't want any sessions that don't include her kids.
The contract was mentioned in therapy. Our therapist tried to discourage it but my dad and Anne said they want it to be more than just them but all of us. They asked us in therapy if we'd sign it and I said no. I was the only one.
Anne's kids looked sad that I said no. Anne looked offended and really surprised and I don't think she realized someone could say no. My dad looked unhappy with me. But he didn't say anything. The therapist wanted us to talk some more and she asked again (5th time) if dad, Anne and I could talk or just me and dad. Anne said no again.
My dad wanted to know why I couldn't say yes for him and why I'm refusing to do something minor that would make everyone else happy. He told me one day in the future I'll be so glad I was open to doing it because we'll all be so close and it will be a nice reminder. AITA?
Here were the top rated comments from readers in response to the OP's post:
NeedBatteries29
NTA. My BIL and his second wife tried to do this when they got married and blended their families 10 years ago. The kids wanted no part of it, they didn’t like each other, but the parents went ahead with the marriage and the “family contract” and stuff. Things never improved and now BIL is getting a divorce for the second time.
Radiant-Camera-474 (OP)
Sounds like a big fighting waiting to happen when all the kids hate it and don't like each other.
Humble_Plantain_5918
Absolutely. just to add my two cents, your dad shouldn't be calling this contract"a little thing". It's a big promise to feel and act in a way you can't right now, and may never be able to feel or act. It would be way worse for your step siblings if you did sign and then couldn't follow through.
They're putting way too much pressure on you, too. Honestly it's possible that what they want you to do could happen , theoretically...but the more they try to force it, the less likely it is to happen.
Radiant-Camera-474 (OP)
Yep and I'm sure my dad and Anne's feelings would be hurt too if I did sign it and couldn't do any of it. Even without Anne's kids I could see it being a big deal to them but add the kids and I know it would be a huge deal. Especially if the kids feelings get hurt.
sour_lemons
NTA. It’s so sad that your dad and Anne are literally disregarding what both you and the therapist are trying to say to them - they cannot force you to have a relationship with Anne and her kids. If one grows organically, great, but forcing it will only build resentment and result in you pulling farther away.
If this contract is really so “minor” then why is your dad and Anne so pushy about it? Clearly it’s not minor to them nor should it be minor to you. Maybe tell your dad that if he’ll agree to therapy alone with you then you’ll consider the contract so that there’s a chance to talk more about this issue during therapy?
Radiant-Camera-474 (OP)
They want it to happen so badly because they want us all to be on the same page about being a "family". They see signing that as us being willing to make sure we become a nuclear family and that we'll treat each other like we would a bio family.
I don't know that my dad would agree to that. I think he'd make me say yes before even considering going against what Anne wanting everyone there and not leaving anyone out of therapy.
dogfishfrostbite
Anne refusing you individual therapy is a red f'n flag. You poor thing. She suuuuuucks.
Radiant-Camera-474 (OP)
It's not the individual therapy she's against. It's me and dad getting therapy together or me, dad and her together. Solo therapy has already kinda happened because the therapist met with all of us a few times on our own.
Content-Plenty-268
Oh, I see. Anne gets to say no to everything but is shocked that someone can say no to her. You are NTA. You are also a minor and as such can’t sign any contracts. I understand that this is not a legally enforceable contract but just a gesture, but you can still demur and maybe offer to reconsider once you get to know them all better. I’m sorry you’ve lost your mom and now are being put through this. It’s a lot for someone so young ❤️🥲