'AITA for refusing to spend another dime on stepkids and grandkids?'
"AITA for refusing to spend another dime on stepkids and grandkids?"
I (38 F) and husband (50 m) have been married for 10 years and have a 1 yr old daughter together, he has a Son (30 m) and daughter (28 F) from a previous marriage.
Since my husband and I have been together, I have always bought his children birthday presents, Christmas presents and gifts/ cards every holiday. They have always made snood comments about me being “too festive”.
But my love language is gift giving. Well they both have children now , his son has 3 children under the age of 5, and his daughter has twin 2yr old daughters. This past Christmas his daughter and her husband hosted our family Christmas party. During the gift exchange each house hold exchange the gift they bought for the other house holds.
For context his children have never bought Christmas presents for me which I am fine with. I have always been the one to purchase the gifts for my step children and my step grandchildren, my husband gives the adult kids gift cards.
So while the gift were being passed out , it quickly became apparent that this year they not only didn’t buy anything for me but not his for my 1 year old daughter ( their half sister).
So everyone at the party had gifts to open, my husband, my stepson and his wife their 3 sons, my stepdaughter her husband and twin daughters, had all bought for each other and I had bought for all of them, and not one person bought anything for their baby sister.
I gathered my things and my daughter and we left. Afterwards, I told my husband that I had never been made feel like apart of the family and that’s one thing but for them to exclude their own half sister who is part of their blood is a complete different thing.
I told him I will never spend a dime on HIS family because they are NOT MINE. Also they decided to do a “family photo shoot” and didn’t include my daughter. AITA??
Here were the top rated comments from readers in response to the OP's inital post:
No more gifts. You tried, but you're done with them. After 10 years, you'd think they'd get a clue. Just curious: Were you the reason your husband broke up with his ex-wife? If so, that may be why they are so hostile.
And, honestly, I'd write them both a letter and explain that you have been handling gifts for your husband's family for 10 years, but will no longer be doing so after the way they treated their half-sister during the holidays.
Any gift requests, etc., should be directed to your husband. And your husband is an ass for letting them get away with this B.S. for 10 years. Let him know that he's on his own from now on for birthdays and holidays, you're done with them.
missdelululand (OP)
No, he and their mother divorced when his son(30 m) was seven and daughter (28 F) was five. He and I started dating when they were 16 and 18.
Your husband never said anything to you never getting gifts from them? What was your husband’s reaction to your child getting no gifts? What was his reaction to what you told him? Your husband is as much a problem it seems.
missdelululand (OP)
No my husband never commented on them never getting anything for me. But he did say he was upset with how they treated the baby. But not to them, he hasn’t brought it up to his adult children. Yes, he is part of the problem, he has never set boundaries with his children nor advocated for equal respect.
No, honey, your husband is the WHOLE problem. Is this how you want to spend the rest of your life? You and your daughter being treated like garbage by his adult children and grandchildren (because it's coming, I guarantee it)? You need to have a SERIOUS conversation with your clueless idiot husband.
Fifteen days later, the OP returned with an update.
Well, I had a long talk with my husband again… after reading all the responses I got. His opinion is that his children have no opinion of our age difference however they just don’t consider me part of their family and he doesn’t think that they look at our daughter as their sister.
Which I will completely respect because they are entitled to their own opinions as well as their own feelings. With me respecting their feelings comes, they’re no longer part of my family.
I will act accordingly as JUST their father’s wife. As for my daughter, she is just that, MY daughter. Valentine’s Day has come and gone, and I did not get a thing for HIS children or grandchildren.
I splurged on my daughter. And it felt really great. I did remind him a week before Valentine’s Day that it was coming up and that his grandkids would probably be expecting something. He neither bought anything for his children nor his grandchildren, nor our daughter, and he didn’t buy anything for me as well.
He made a comment about feeling some type of way of the separation between me and his family on almost as though it was my own decision. And I quickly reminded him that I am just respecting the wishes of his family and that they belong to him and they are nothing to me.
In short, this marriage, most likely will not last for multiple reasons not just the issues of this post. Also, I failed to leave out a key detail . He was married to another woman between his children’s mother and mine and his marriage. And according to him that woman treated his children very very poorly.
I don’t know her so I can’t speak about her. I only know what he told me and that story is completely one-sided. he also thinks that may be the reason why his children treat me the way they do is due to past traumas from his second wife.
Here were the top rated comments from readers in response to the OP's update:
Maybe his second wife was a lovely individual that was treated like crap from him and his children and grandchildren. Have you considered that? NTA.
Good for you. They rubbed your nose (and your daughters nose) into the fact that you are NOT their family. They don’t get to cry crocodile tears now about a distant relationship and no gifts. NTA. I’m sorry you had to learn this difficult lesson but you’re navigating it very well.
Do people in the US really buy Valentines gifts for people who are not romantic partners?
Dude didn't give a darn about anyone and wants to blame you for his own neglect. Yeah separate, don't carry his water and enjoy life with YOUR daughter. Good luck.
NTA Second wife may have enough of being treated like crap by him and his family just as you have. Tell him that if they all treated her the way they treat you and his child then you understand why she treated them like crap. It's his fault for not stepping up for his family that he chose to have.
Two days later, the OP returned with another update.
So I FB messenger called his 2nd ex wife last night. I wasn’t sure if she would even want to talk with me, beings that I’m the new wife. But she did and we had a pleasant conversation.
She disclosed that she and his son (adolescent at the time) never had any issues. But that his daughter (also adolescent at the time) was a bit difficult. Think, princess mentality.
She told me stories where my husband had blatantly disregarded her feelings, when it came to his daughter treating her poorly. She said his daughter always made it clear that she was the queen of her Daddy’s castle.
She eventually separated herself from interacting with his kids, which took a toll on their marriage. She also disclosed that she, had found out that in the beginning of his and my relationship that he was spicy sleeping with his supervisor. This lead me to confront my husband and after hours of denial he finally admitted.
For Context: Last summer, I caught him sxting his supervisor, I told him to leave but we had a new baby. We started going to marriage counseling for the infidelity and he swore he disclosed everything to me.
But he never told me they had previously been sxually involved(even during the first few months of our relationship). Now, I’m suppose to believe that after 9years just out of the blue they started s*xting at random but nothing has continued to go on between all this time we’ve been married….
Needless to say I contacted a Divorce attorney this morning. I’ll keep you guys updated on the progress if my attorney feels like it will not have an impact on my case.
Here were the top rated comments from readers in response to the OP's update:
Sounds like you're in the process of taking out the garbage. Good for you. I missed this the first two go-arounds, but I will say that not buying Christmas presents for a small child you know you will be seeing at a family party at which gifts are going to be exchanged is really messed up.
If I was invited to a Christmas dinner at a friends house (knowing gift giving was happening) I'd probably get something for the kids involved. It doesn't matter if they're blood relatives or not.
Taking out the garbage - Thanks for the chuckle! Great job, op! Keep working on you! Updateme!
I love how strong you are! You’re a badass! Glad to hear that you are standing up for you and your daughter. I’d just like an update on how he takes it. Will he act all surprised? Or act like you’re being unreasonable? Don’t listen to that BS if he does. I think you’re right about the s*xting, no way it stopped. Updateme!