'AITA for refusing to spend any time with my sister-in-law until she apologizes to me?' UPDATED
"AITA for refusing to spend any time with my sister-in-law until she apologizes to me?"
This is kinda a long one so buckle in. My husband (40 M) and me (40 F) have been having issues with his sister ever since our wedding (4 years ago). I was planning the whole wedding by myself while my husband was deployed for 6 months.
I cannot highlight how freaking stressed out I was during that period of my life. I was worried about him and my family was states away so they couldn't really help. It was all on me and it freaking sucked.
Then, 2 months prior to the wedding, his sister decides she NEEDS to be in the bridal party. My bridal party. Who have already bought their dresses and thrown a bachelorette party for me.
I said, sorry no because A- plans have been made and it's a bit too short notice and B- we aren't that close. Not that I had anything against her at the time but I didn't even think about her when asking my bridesmaids to be in the wedding as it was going to be a small affair.
She threw a hissy fit and caused so much extra stress for me and my husband, who again, WAS DEPLOYED at the time. She basically forced her way into being in the wedding and I had to replan.
My mom even paid for her hair and make up like all the other girls and she didn't have to do that. To this day she complains about feeling unwelcome at the wedding. When of course I vented to my bridesmaids about the whole thing.
What else did she expect to happen?? She got her way and caused an absolute avalanche of needless drama between me and my husband. Who, again was deployed at the time.
He didn't come home until 3 days before the wedding! It was all so very stressful and she has never apologized. I still get angry thinking back on my wedding day. She made our day all about her.
ANYWAY- fast forward to present day. My husband has expressed that he wishes to have a closer relationship with his sister as she's his only sibling. I support him in that because I get it and it's been long enough since the wedding that I'm willing to let bygones be bygones for his sake.
We had Christmas 2024 with his side of the family. We exchanged gifts and stayed with her and her husband. Watched the fireworks on New Year's Eve. It was overall a really pleasant visit.
We even discussed possible future Christmas presents for them when he dropped me off at the airport to go home. It really felt like we turned a corner with them and all was well.
Boy was I wrong. The same day he dropped me off at the airport, he had dinner with his sister and BIL. He wanted to discuss a way for them to be closer as he'd been sensing they've been distant. Well, she ended up calling me a witch and that we were horrible house guests. Then threw beer in my husband's face when he defended me.
When I heard that happened I was extremely hurt and really confused. Even more so for my husband because he just wanted to have a better relationship with his sister. They acted like everything was fine before I left for the airport.
We hung out talking and catching up until the wee hours of the morning the night before. Then when we woke up I made extra sure to deflate the mattress we slept on and folded the sheets we used. I also wiped down the bathroom and helped in the kitchen. How is that being a bad houseguest?
Then, when she talked to my MIL about what happened she completely denied calling me names or anything like that. If that were true, how did my husband end up covered in beer? It's like she doesn't live in our reality. She even had my husband second guessing how things went down. It's all very bizarre.
Anyway, after all of that went down my husband completely blocked her on everything and I followed his lead by doing the same. The only remedy was an apology from her to the both of us. Of course that hasn't happened and I doubt it ever will.
After months of his Mom whittling him down to "be the bigger person", he caved and unblocked her. They've been talking sporadically and now (surprise surprise) they're taking a week long vacation in our State.
I want absolutely nothing to do with her until I have an apology. I get extremely anxious even thinking about being in the same room with her because she's just gonna talk trash behind my back. How can you act like we're sisters and then call me a witch and a bad guest as soon as I leave? Then deny ever saying those things when confronted about it?
My husband wants me to spend "just 30 minutes" with them for dinner but I can't. Not until i at least get an apology. He may be okay with never getting a sincere apology but I am not.
It can even be over text! Something to acknowledge that she messed up because I am really hurt by it. Spending even 30 minutes acting like everything is all honkey dorey sounds like torture.
Frankly, even with an apology I'll never feel comfortable around her again. So, AITA for not wanting to spend any time with my SIL until she apologizes to me?
Here’s what people had to say to OP:
If your husband is considering meeting them at at restaurant, and NOT allowing them to come back to the house, I suppose he could try and see if he gets more beer in his face, but I wouldn't accompany him or let SIL and BIL in the house. I think that he should tell them that they are not going to discuss you or anything about you, or he will leave.
NTA. Spending “just 30 mins” with her would be taken as tacit acknowledgement that her behavior was acceptable. She’ll do it again. And she’s faced no consequences. Why wouldn’t she treat you like trash again when her family enables her. An apology is the bare minimum required here. Do not cave OP like you caved for the wedding.
I think you need to take about a three to five year break. That will give you and her more perspective. If he insists, then ask for an apology the minute you see her. Blow this up sooner than later. If she has no respect for you then she has no respect for your children. Make those 30 minutes memorable.
Two months later, the OP returned with an update.
Hey, hi, hello. Here I am again. Needing a place to vent after two months of thinking things were okay with my SIL. SURPRISE! I'm still a witch apparently. Here's a short update on where we left off:
During her week long visit, I stood my ground and did not see her or my BIL. I let my husband read my original post and he agreed with you guys. It really helped getting some third party perspectives.
So, thank you to all who contributed to the conversation. (Especially the ones that made me laugh ❤️). Before she left -She reached out with voice messages that genuinely were sincere.
I really appreciated them and I'll attach my responses to her messages here. As you can see, my last message was not only read, but she "hearted" it. No real response, but I'll take it.
Y'all. Y'ALL.
I recently spent time with my FIL and MIL. They were overseas for an extended period of time, so my husband and I decided to fly out to spend an early Thanksgiving with them since they wouldn't be home in time for the holiday.
SIL couldn't fly out for whatever reason. We get it. Flying internationally sucks for everyone. Especially when pregnant. We all agreed to have a family call. Wouldn't you know it? She wasn't available for a call when I was there. I took the morning of our last day to pack and told my husband to go spend time with his parents.
She was available then, apparently. And talked trash. She told my in-laws that I never responded to her apology. My husband brought that up at the airport and I was LIVID and ready with receipts.
I genuinely don't know where to go from here. I guess I'd still feel the same level of discomfort being around her, but it's more amplified now. I just don't know how someone could blatantly LIE about something over a text thread. Where I have receipts!!
She really wants my in-laws to hate me. That's the only reason I can come up with. Luckily, my husband was also really mad and defended me to his mom. So....there's that at least 🙃. Anyway. I just needed to vent to someone that's not my husband because I'm still so mad. Thanks for reading.
Here’s what people had to say to OP:
You responded to her apology. You were kind. You had receipts. She still lied about you. At this point, the only relationship worth prioritizing is the one with your husband and thankfully, he’s actually defending you. That tells you everything about who’s acting like family… and who isn’t. Hugs!
She sounds like not a great addition to your life, honestly. I understand your husband's attachment to her because she's his sister but a) you accepted her apology and b) she's still bitter and starting drama. That would just kill any desire I would have to keep someone like that in my life.
SO... NOW YOU CAN BE DONE? Or is your husband going to waffle again?
She's THE problem and that's the end of it. RIGHT?
SIL is a drama queen. She enjoys the turmoil that she sets loose in the world. She can sit back and watch everyone running around and playing her game. She wants to be the center of the universe. MIL enables her.
Tell husband that you want couples' counseling. If he refuses, go for yourself. You need to find peace in your life again. You need a safe place to vent. They can help you navigate the landmines that are his family.
Husband can have whatever relationship he wants with his sister. Get him to understand that you are completely no contact. That means that "NO, she is NOT coming into my house". "No, I am not going to your parents' house to visit her".
You aren't buying/sending gifts, holiday or birthday cards or lifting one finger to help with whatever he wants to do with her. He has to handle her. Block her on EVERYTHING. Make any media accounts private or delete them.
Learn to gray rock around MIL. Tell husband that he does not have permission to discuss anything about you with them, especially if you continue this relationship and become pregnant. That will mean keeping the kids away from SIL.
This sounds more like a personality disorder than mere bad behavior. If so, without determined and sustained effort, it will never improve. This is the third time she has created harmful, needless drama and conflict with no motive other than to ostracize you and amuse herself.
I think the apology would be nice, but what you really need to see is changed behavior across time. I doubt you will, so you and DH need to consider allowing her in your lives.