'AITA for refusing to 'take care' of my adult brother when he humiliates me in front of family?'
"AITA for refusing to 'take care' of my adult brother when he humiliates me in front of family?"
I (30F) have a brother “Evan” (34M) who has always had a weird dynamic with our family. He’s the oldest, he’s loud, he’s funny, and somehow he’s also the one everyone tiptoes around.
He’s had a rough few years: job hopping, a bad breakup, moving back home for a while, and he’s always “getting back on his feet.” My mom treats him like he’s fragile glass and my dad avoids conflict, so the rest of us end up doing this emotional labor dance where we keep him calm.
I’ve been the default “helper” for a long time. I’m the one who helps him fill out paperwork, reminds him about appointments, helps him clean up when he’s overwhelmed, and I’ve even covered a couple bills when he was short.
I did it because I’m not heartless and I genuinely don’t want him to spiral. But lately it’s starting to feel like I’m parenting a grown man who resents me. The issue is how he talks to me in front of other people.
He makes jokes that are basically insults with a laugh track. If I set a boundary, he calls me “uptight.” If I say I’m tired, he says I’m “dramatic.” If I bring up something serious, he’ll do that little smirk and say “here we go.”
At the last family get-together he started telling a story about me as a kid, and he exaggerated it into this whole thing about how I was “obsessed with attention” and “always needed to be rescued.” Everyone laughed. I didn’t.
I asked him to stop and he doubled down, like “Relax, it’s a joke, you can’t take anything.” After that, my mom pulled me aside and basically asked me to keep helping him because he’s “not doing well.”
She said I’m the only one he listens to. That made me so mad I almost cried. Why is it always me. Why does he get to treat me like a punching bag, then I’m also supposed to be his support system.
A few days later he called and asked me to come over and help him sort out documents for a new job and “get his life together.” I told him no. I said I’m done being his personal assistant when he can’t show basic respect, and that I need space.
He got angry fast and said I’m abandoning him when he needs me most. He said I’m selfish and that I think I’m “better than him” because I have my life together. Then he told my mom that I’m being cruel and “punishing” him for a joke.
Now my mom is upset and keeps saying I’m being too harsh, that siblings tease each other, that he’s under stress, and I should be the bigger person. My dad says nothing, as usual.
I’m sitting here feeling guilty because I know he’s struggling, but I also feel like I’ve been trained to accept disrespect as the price of being “supportive.” AITA for refusing to keep taking care of him until he can stop humiliating me and actually treat me like a human?
Here’s what people had to say to OP:
Hes 34 and need to grow up. Mommy and daddy haven't been doing him any favors either. Cut them off.
"Mom, he told everyone that I need to be rescued, when he should be looking in the mirror. If you want to continue to coddle a grown man, feel free, but you're not doing him any favours. I'm tired of being mentally abused. He's a grown ass man, it's about time that he grew up."
"Dad, please start standing up for yourself. I know that you love your son more than me, but wrong is wrong."
When he tries to humiliate you in front of others, turn it back on him, while chuckling, "Yeah, it's so funny, here you have a grown man, that still needs his mommy to do his laundry and cook for him. He needs rescuing, any takers?"
NTA-if you don't want to help him, don't. He is a 34 year old grown adult, he will either figure it out on his own or he will find someone else to help him. If he doesn't and the consequences are that he doesn't get his life together, that is on him not you.
NTA. You feel like you are parenting an adult because you are. I’m sure his inability to keep a job or a partner has something to do with him being an ass. Drop the rope and let him grow up. If mom thinks he needs hand holding, she can do it.
ESH. Grow a backbone for goodness sake. Should have cut the man-child free years ago. STOP ENABLING weaponized incompetence. Your parents totally failed here by "raising" this "adult," He needs to grow up.
You're engaged in a well orchestrated cycle of codependency and those cycles always leave the do-ers feeling guilty when they are worn out. I think you've taken a massive step towards breaking that cycle so hold firm.
I'd also tell my mother that it's not up for discussion- that you must look after yourself and that it's time for the family to stop enabling him. Whether or not she chooses to stop enabling is up to her but you'll no longer act in that role.
If your brother can’t fill out paperwork at 34 that’s not your problem. Come on. Actions have consequences. Stick to your guns if you want to see change. Standing up for yourself and sticking to your boundaries is the only way. NTA.
NTA - and if he calls you dramatic, tell him that it is time to take the drama to the next level and have him take care of himself.