Daughter refuses to care for parents in old age. 'They've made it clear who their favorite was.' AITA?
"AITA for REFUSING to TAKE CARE OF MY PARENTS in their old age after they 'prioritized' my brother our entire lives?"
I (32F) am the eldest of three siblings. Growing up, my younger brother (29M) was always the golden child. He was spoiled, excused from responsibilities, and had his education fully paid for by my parents including a car, allowance, and rent while in college.
Meanwhile, I worked two jobs to get through school, was told to “be independent,” and when I asked for help once for rent, my dad said, “You need to learn how the real world works.” My younger sister (26F) agrees with me that there’s always been favoritism, but she keeps her head down to avoid drama.
Fast forward to now: I’m financially stable, married, no kids (by choice), and live about 30 minutes from my parents. My brother lives in another city and is constantly in and out of work, still partially financially supported by my parents.
Last month, my dad had a minor stroke. He’s recovering well, but it got my mom thinking about the future. She sat me down and said, “We expect you to take care of us when we’re older, we raised you, and it’s our culture.”
I calmly told her I wouldn’t be doing that. I told her that they’ve made it clear who their favorite child was, and it’s only fair he steps up now. She was stunned. She said, “He’s not capable and besides, you’re the eldest. That comes with responsibility.”
I told her I’m not going to sacrifice my peace, marriage, or money for people who watched me struggle for years while babying my brother. I said I’ll help when it comes to emergencies, but I’m not becoming their retirement plan or full-time caregiver.
Now the whole extended family is talking. I’ve been called selfish, ungrateful, and cold even though I’ve literally spent years being the “strong” daughter who never asked for anything.
My brother? Silent. He just said, “Well, I’m not cut out for that stuff,” and they let him off the hook again. So… AITA for refusing to take care of my parents when they didn’t even take care of me the same way?
Here is what readers had to say in response to the OP’s post:
Kids do not "owe" their parents care when they get old. I know I'll likely get downvoted for this because "they took care of you" but it is literally part of parents' job to feed, clothe, house, and educate kids they CHOOSE TO HAVE.
The kids didn't ask to be born. They had no control over what order they came in (i.e., "being the oldest"). They had no control over how they were raised. They can CHOOSE to care for elderly parents, but it is NOT a requirement. Stick to your guns on this one. Move far away of you have to. You are NTA.
NTA. I can’t tell you how to save your family relationships, but I agree with your actions. You’ve made your case. Your family will suck you dry then leave any inheritance to your brother. Go your own way in peace.
My mother tried that garbage with me, too. I laughed until we both cried (but for very different reasons). She accused me of selfishness, too. I just told her she should have raised me better 🤷.
"I am what you made me, ma'am. Complain to the person in the mirror, that's who's to blame for this situation. Best of luck with my fool of a BROTHER. I'm sure he'll do a great job taking care of YOU, LOLOL."
NTA. I had parents who always paid for everything for my sibling. I had to make my own way. They can live with their choices, you don't owe them anything. But be prepared to be out of any will, but you probably already realise the golden child would be the one heavily favoured there already.
I think the hardest truth is many parents are reaping what they’ve sown. After being treated terribly for years the children are unwilling and uninterested in being caregivers. Who can blame them? NTA.
Girl, to even cons your self the AH is like completely and entirely stupid! Your parents sat and watched you struggle while raising your brother on a pedestal. If they ask again tell them "when I struggled with two jobs and rent you said "live independently", and I did.
I sat quietly and I picked up a found a good life while I watched you pay for and care for my younger brother. So now its your turn to live independently to ask my brother or sit quietly, because I will not give you what I once begged you for." Then walk away like a boss 😝✌️.
'I will give you the same support you offered me. Be independent and learn how the real world works. If you want more, go ask the kid you gave everything.' Then just stop talking with them. To the relatives: 'I'll pass on your offer to support (parents' names) since you are so concerned.' Then see if you can move farther away. NTA.
NTA. First off, you’re not responsible for taking care of your parents even if they didn’t favor your brother. Second, they made it clear that they were not responsible for helping you when you were an adult and it was to help you be strong and this was how the real world works.
It’s only fair to return the favor. And third, they’ve made it clear that your brother is the favored child. If he can’t or won’t take care of them, then he should be responsible to make arrangements for them because wouldn’t a “good son” do that? They all need to live with the consequences of their choices.
You need to continue protecting your marriage, peace and finances. You don’t owe your parents anything. Cut off anyone who tries to shame you or tell them you’re glad they’re stepping up to help take care of your parents. Your sister is doing the right thing and keeping out of it.