'AITA for refusing to take down photos of my newborn because my cousin says I 'stole her moment'?'
"AITA for refusing to take down photos of my newborn because my cousin says I 'stole her moment'?"
Get some coffee and a snack, because this is a long one.
So I (31F) am being called selfish and an AH by part of my family, and I genuinely don’t know if I’m missing something or if this has just become a family-wide fixation.
For context, I’m one of six grandchildren on my paternal grandmother’s side. She’s very much the matriarch of the family and what she says goes. The order goes: my male cousin “R” (the oldest), my older sibling, two female cousins (the oldest of whom I’ll call “L”), then me, then my younger sibling. We all grew up very close.
My husband and I started dating when I was 15 and he was 18. When I was 22, he proposed. That December, we gave the whole family a save-the-date for our wedding the following year. Everyone knew our date well in advance.
A few months after we got engaged (before the save-the-date), my oldest cousin R started dating “A.” They got engaged quickly. After the engagement, A’s behavior toward me changed instantly.
When no one was around, she’d say things like how I had the “audacity” to get engaged before R because he was the oldest grandchild. She told me she’d make sure they got married before we did and a lot more along those lines. I thought it was bizarre, but I didn’t engage with it. Our date was set for later that year. It wasn’t a competition to me.
They announced their wedding would be the weekend before ours. I honestly thought it was convenient because family traveling from out of town could attend both and make a week trip of it.
During their engagement, A constantly bragged about how much money R was spending on their wedding. Ours was very DIY, mostly donated services, and cost us the bare minimum.
I didn’t care about the comparison, but she clearly did. She made comments like "that would look cheap," and she'd "never have a wedding like that." Even said things like during my wedding.
At their wedding, when I went to congratulate them, she hugged me, dug her nails into my back, and whispered that she couldn’t believe I was “forcing” her to cut her honeymoon short to attend my wedding.
I pulled back and told her she chose her date knowing mine, and if she didn’t want to come to my wedding, she didn’t have to. My grandmother, who only heard my comment, told me I was being very disrespectful to uninvite them from my wedding at their wedding, in front of everyone. I tried to explain to her, but she refused to hear it.
After that, my female cousin L (who I’d been close to growing up) went basically radio silent with me. No explanation. Just cold distance. I figured it was due to the comment misunderstanding by our grandmother.
Years later, I had my first child. No drama at that point. Four years after that, I announced I was pregnant with my second. L blew up at me. Apparently, she was two months ahead of me in her first pregnancy, and she accused me of “taking away her moment” and said I’d done the same thing to her brother with the weddings.
The thing is… I didn’t know she was pregnant, because we hadn’t spoken since the weddings.
Fast-forward to this year. I’m pregnant with my third and final child. Once again, L is pregnant too and we were due about two weeks apart.
This time, it escalated. L and even my grandmother started saying I’m selfish, doing it on purpose, and refusing to “let my cousins have their moments.” Half the family is acting like I plan my pregnancies around L’s life.
The other half says I should keep my announcements to myself to avoid upsetting her. Like what? It's not like I phoned her and asked, "Oh, btw, are you and your husband trying to get pregnant tonight?"
I gave birth to a healthy baby two days after L did. Her baby was born with a shoulder dislocation that needed gentle reduction under anesthesia to put it back in place, and the doctors expect a full recovery.
It's still scary and stressful as a parent. I'd be a wreck if it were my baby, but I didn’t know any of this when I posted, because no one had told me. I posted a birth announcement on social media. Just a couple of photos, the baby’s name, and that we were both doing well.
L and A messaged and my grandmother phoned me furious, demanding I take the photos down. They said I’m “taking away her moment,” that I always do this and that everyone is supposed to be focused on L and her baby right now, and that my posts are attention-seeking and cruel because her baby is struggling.
L said I’m making people congratulate me when they should be checking on her and that I'm an AH for always needing to compete with her and her brother. My grandmother told me I'm disowned. Not the first time she has used that line...
I feel awful that she and her baby are dealing with this. If I’d known before posting, I probably would’ve waited a bit out of basic sensitivity, but I don't even have A, R, or L on my social media.
I blocked A and R after my wedding and L after the previous pregnancy. I also left the family group chat at that time. My parents were the ones to share a screenshot of my post in the chat.
I also don’t think it’s fair to erase my baby’s birth announcement or pretend my child doesn’t exist because of what L is going through. Especially when L has cut contact with me for years and only reaches out to accuse me of “stealing” her moments.
Now family members are messaging me saying I should just take it down “to keep the peace,” that I’m selfish for not prioritizing L’s feelings, and that I’m causing drama at the worst possible time. So AITA for refusing to take down my newborn photos because my cousin says I’m stealing her moment?
Here’s what people had to say to OP:
Dude, your family sucks. NTA.
NTA. Tell your whole family that you wish nothing but the best for L and her baby, but L having you live rent free in her head is 100% her problem. You have had her blocked and haven't communicated with her for years, because she's a crazy, jealous AH, and no, you did not consider her feelings on the social media posts because you don't think about her at all. Share this post. Spill the dirt.
NTA. Literally reread everything that you just wrote out loud and ask yourself why you even bother trying to maintain a relationship that causes you nothing but stress. Also consider whether you want your children to be exposed to this ongoing bs or not.
If your family members are already taking her side and treating you with hostility over things out of your control then they are going to do the same thing to your children.
Stop updating these family members and don't invite them to anything remove them from your socials any birthdays etc don't invite them don't tell them about it. Let them know that they will never see the baby or have any more updates about anything because you don't want to unintentionally upstage your cousin make sure they know the reason.
Your "matriarch" is a monster and is completely undeserving of the title. Your family sucks and is obsessed with a BS hierarchy. Too bad for them life happens and doesn't follow a pre ordained plan... the sheer arrogance and self centeredness from everyone is insane.