"AITA for refusing to take in my 'disabled' brother?"
Jesus. I don't know where to begin. Recently started listening to these aita videos while working out, and only posted once before. I think this situation is crazier than the last. So, I have an estranged/tense relationship with my mom and a lot of her side of the family. When I was 21, I became a single father to my daughter, Cece.
I was working overnights in a warehouse, had to move back in with my mom and younger golden brother (I'll just call him GB going forward) as Cece's egg donor just decided she'd rather live the socialite life than be a mother.
My mom was helpful with Cece when it was convenient for her. So if she had a rough day at work, she was more concerned with having a drink and unwinding than helping with her granddaughter.
GB though.... I could write a book about how incompetent and useless he was. One day that is burned into my memory: Cece was only about 8 months old at the time, on my way home from work one morning, I got stuck in traffic on the way back.
Tried calling home and let them know what was going on and Cece likely needed to be fed. I get home almost 2 hours after clocking out, I hear Cece crying in our room and GB is sitting on the couch.
He says something that almost sets me off like "about damn time. She's been crying" Explain there was an accident blocking traffic I got caught in, ask him why she's crying... "dunno" is all I get in response.
Ask him for how long as I'm heading into my room... According to him, she had been crying for almost an hour, soiled diaper and hungry. GB couldn't be bothered to even check on her.
After a couple years of these two acting like this (especially GB), I'm on the phone with my dad and stepmom, he offered me help with raising her, getting my life on track, etc.
Cliff notes of what happened next; Cece's egg doner signs away parental rights essentially leaving her without a legal mother, Mom starts giving me a hard time about "running away from family responsibilities", GB is talking about what he's going to do to my room once we're gone.
I'm packing everything up and make a 1100 mile road trip several states away with a toddler with my phone turned off because my mom was blowing it up demanding that I turn around and "bring her only grandchild back to her."
Since then, did meet a woman that is phenomenal with Cece, got married, she adopted Cece officially a couple years ago right after mother's Day, we also have an 8 year old son. We have made trips back to my hometown several times over the years.
Usually for holidays or stopping by on our way to Orlando (hometown is in Florida, btw) And over the years GB has not shown the slightest interest in growing up. Or not being absolutely disgusting. I'm pretty sure there are stories about him on the neckbeard subreddit.
Details about GB: he's 36 years old now, still lives at home with Mom. He's been on disability for a while (not entirely sure how long) for seizures. He had them as a teenager, then stopped for a while.
He came back as an adult and his fast food job couldn't keep him around (can't have someone having a seizure around hot oil and sharp knives) so he and my mom went through the process of getting him on some sort of disability.
So he does nothing but sleep and play video games all day. He thinks he's the "cool uncle" for some reason (legit has those words on his FB). We never stay with them when we're in town and Cece has been very vocal over the last 6 years that he makes her feel very uncomfortable.
When she was 12, he offered to let her smoke or drink with him (she's smart enough to say no) since to him "kids your age are gonna do it anyway, might as well do it with an adult you trust) or talk about his relationships (last one was-no lie- 17 years ago) in uncomfortable detail. With his child niece.
He even has to be reminded to freaking bathe. Both Cece and my son (8yo) have called him out for smelling like straight-up BO and cat pee. Which according to my mom is "rude" and "uncalled for"...
And I need to make this part clear: he has NEVER been diagnosed as autistic, developmentally challenged, or neurodivergent in any way. He's just been raised to be entitled and lazy.
But that's everything up to this. We recently got back from an Orlando trip, passed through my hometown without stopping. Got that guilt-laden phone call from my mom about how they missed us etc./whatever.
And she drops this thing: she updated her will to leave everything split between me and GB and she wants me to take him in/take care of him if anything happens to her. I couldn't help but laugh and tell her (exact words) "not a snowflake's chance in hell is he ever living with us."
She knows he makes Cece uncomfortable, but her logic is since she's going of to college soon, and will be out and on her own soon, that means we'll have the space for him and Cece won't have to worry about him.
She goes on to explain that he "can't" take care of himself because of his seizures. He "can't" cook for himself, he "can't" clean up after himself, and he "can't" remember to bathe unless he's "reminded".
When she started going on about how Cece shouldn't feel uncomfortable around him because he openly talked about his sex life to his niece when she was 12 because he "doesn't know better".
Last thing I said to her was "you are describing someone that needs assisted living, not a room in a house with people unqualified to provide the assistance he clearly needs.
And I'm not making my kids spend time around anyone that makes them feel uncomfortable- family or not." So honestly, I don't even really care if I'm the AH or not. This whole thing just started pissing me off.
Here is what readers had to say in response to the OP’s post:
NTA. F that guy.
Your mom needs to get help for herself and HER son. Your house is not a residential facility. It is your home.
NTA... but ask for a copy of the will. If it's Guardianship of the manchild, then put him in Assisted living.
living_whell (OP)
I plan on consulting a lawyer to make sure my bases are covered. But from what my wife and I found is that there's no sibling responsibility laws in Florida or Texas (where we are) and they can't legally make me take him in.
I’m NAL but I’m confident of this: she can put whatever the hell she wants in her will. Thst doesn’t mean you have to take him in, although depending on your location and how smart her lawyer is, that might mean you don’t get whatever your inheritance would be. NTA and I’m surprised you’re still I touch with either of them. I wouldn’t be.
living_whell (OP)
I mainly keep in touch with her for my my kids' sake. Dad and stepmom passed 6 and 4 years ago. Mom got sober a few years after I left, and although I still keep her at a distance, I can at least say she's a decent grandmother now. Current situation excluded. But as it stands, if my inheritance is dependent on taking him in, I'm more than willing to just let everything go.
The way how he was towards your daughter seems very groom-ish. I'd definitely keep my distance and an eye on him whenever he's around kids.
I have seizures that leave me unable to walk for a week or so on top of a lifelong disabling medical condition (frequent hospitalizations, 25%+ of the time sick in bed, etc.) and not only do I “adult” exceptionally well, my husband and I constantly had my nephews and niece around while they were growing up.
They would call most Fridays and ask to spend the weekend. I stayed with them whenever my brother and SIL traveled. We were in the will as legal guardians in the event of… We’re still close now that they’re all in their 20s.
One has NOTHING to do with the other. Your mother simply created a monster and now doesn’t know what to do him. I never advise NC because I couldn’t do it myself. I would 100% just keep ignoring all of this nonsense, though.
NTA. You had a rough start with no help from either of them and now you have your life together and sound like it's pretty damned good. Tell your mother not to leave you anything in her will, put it in a trust to pay your brothers assisted living costs.
I'm sure you don't want or need the hassle of dealing with her affairs or your brother once she passes. It'll only be a trainwreck, and you can send your brother thoughts and prayers. I'm actually surprised you aren't lower contact. They bring nothing to the table.