"AITA for refusing to take in my in-laws?"
I (37 female) have been married to my husband (38) for 10 years. We have 2 children. He has 2 brothers Henry (40) (who is married with 2 children), and Frank (43) (who is also married with 2 children). Their parents now need to move in with one of their sons because they can no longer live alone.
One of his brothers called for a family meeting with all the siblings and their wives. Henry and Frank suggested their parents should live with my husband and I since I have the most experience, we own the biggest house with an in law apartment (that we use when we have guests visiting), and their wives both work.
I’m the only one with a background in nursing but I’m now mostly a stay at home mom (I keep my license current and work one weekend a month just in case I decide to go back to work full time once our children are older.)
I said no because my mother-in-law and I don’t have a good relationship. She’s never been kind to me and we only see her twice a year because I don’t want our children seeing her do that.
I suggested a nursing home or assisted living. His brothers said they did look into that option but neither are options due to cost. I let them know we will not be having their parents living with us and one of them will have to accommodate them at their home.
They said they would not be able to survive financially having their wives stay home. I apologized and told them if they had any questions while caring for them I’d be available over phone but told them I would not do it.
My husband agrees with me but does think it was a little harsh. His brothers aren’t speaking to us right now because they said I’m an AH who’s going to put them in a bad spot. AITA?
Here’s what people had to say to OP:
NTA, these men want you to be a full-time unpaid caregiver to THEIR parents? Using your very valuable education and credentials? And they assume they’re entitled to hundreds of thousands of dollars of free labor from you because… why? You slept with their brother? That kind of exploitation is ridiculous and they deserved that verbal slap.
Why is the only alternative OP or their wives? Why aren't these men stepping up to take care of their parents?
EXCELLENT POINT.
Because caretaking is women's work, even though the parents only had sons!
On a related note, I believe FMLA gives folks the right to take 13 weeks unpaid leave of absence. If OP's 2 brothers in law AND their wives all take FMLA, they could cover the entire year and nobody would have to quit. But then the sons would have to view taking care of their own parents as possibly their job.
OP's husband could even get in the mix there too (at a different location), reducing the burden further, to 10.4 weeks apiece. If the three brother pay for a home health aide for 2 months out of the year, then 5 people (NOT OP), split caretaking the other ten, that's about 8 weeks apiece.
NTA and I love your nice shiny spine 💗. You DO have a job. You are the stay at home parent, just because your job is in the home and unpaid doesn’t mean it’s not a job. Why are all three brothers assuming it’s the women who will be giving up their jobs and taking care of their parents?
The parents are the responsibility of the three sons. If the parents move into anyone’s home it should be the son giving up their paid job and doing the unpaid stay at home parent-caring job.
If any of those selfish, lazy men were faced with being the full time carer they would change their tune very quickly I’m certain. Your husband needs to be more supportive and not give you criticisms of being “harsh”. Tell him it’ll be him doing the caring if they ever move in with you and you’ll go back to full time nursing.
See how he feels about that idea. Specially once you divorce him and live elsewhere to get away from his awful mother and he is left alone with them. Bad, lazy, selfish men expecting women to solve their parent problem.
NTA for not taking them in, but your husband should have been the one doing the talking here.
NTA. Assisted living isn't cheap, but the brothers contributing (equally) should total a decent amount. Add in the parents SS/retirement/pension (plus anything from selling their current place) and it should provide enough to have a roof over their heads. It may not be fancy, but it'll do.
NTA. They decided before hand that they would pressure you and your husband to take your in-laws into your home. They thought it was a done deal and don't care that your MIL has never been polite to you. Stand your ground. They can go into housing for low income seniors if they can't afford assisted living, or they can spend down their assets and go into a Medicaid nursing home. It's karma.
So a brother called a family meeting not to discuss the parents and options but to railroad you and your husband in having them live with you. Love how they worked it out since you are at the moment a stay at home parent and a nurse that you, because it will fall to you to do the bulk of the care and mental load, need to do this.
You needed to be direct as they would have tried to give excuses and reasons it could work and needs to happen. I bet they weren’t offering how they would help out if you took them in, not that it matters.
Financial help? A paid housekeeper? Weekends at their homes? Nope you were going to be there free care and probably stuck hosting everything since parents are there and it will be easier to come over and see them there.
Why would one of the wives need to quit their jobs? Do the parents have zero resources? Long term care insurance? Are they parents in such bad shape they can’t be home alone at all while they’re at work? Good for you being direct and if they took it as harsh, so be it. NTA.