'AITA for refusing to try and talk things through with my parents who are reaching out to me after more than a decade?'
"AITA for refusing to try and talk things through with my parents who are reaching out to me after more than a decade?"
I (19M) haven't lived with my parents since I was 8. I haven't spoken to my parents, not even a hi, since I was 12. At the age of 8 I was shipped off to my grandparents because I was acting out and my parents didn't want to deal with that while they were caring for my medically fragile sister (16F) who was 5 when I was sent away.
My sister was born with a seizure disorder and a genetic abnormality that made (makes?) her very sick. She was in and out of hospital a lot when I still lived with my parents and I know it continued until I was 12 but I'm not sure about after.
My parents took turns being with her and calling out of work. When she wasn't in the hospital, they were still pouring their energy into her and I was ignored and/or forgotten in the stress of everything.
I tried to get some attention from my parents but they found it easy to ignore me. I was a quiet kid who didn't really get very loud and so they didn't pay any attention to me. Eventually it got to me and I started acting out.
I broke stuff, I screamed and cussed, I ruined dinner and hid stuff like their keys or their phones or the TV remote. It got me attention but it didn't get me much attention. My parents would yell and would send me to my room but that was it.
They never followed up. I had a huge epic tantrum when I was 7 asking why they didn't love me and threatening to throw a bunch of stuff at them and they didn't care. They removed my sister and stayed with her in her bedroom.
Then, when I was 8, I broke a vase my great great grandma left to my mom. That was my parents' final straw. My mom lost her mind and told me she hated me and she wanted me out of the house because she couldn't bring herself to look at me again.
My dad brought me to my grandparents' house and he told them they were sick of me being a little brat and not understanding they had better things to do than listen to me cry or yell.
My grandparents sued for legal custody and there was some drama for a while because my grandparents also sued for child support. My parents didn't want me back but they didn't want to pay the child support order either. There were some phone calls that happened until I was 12 between my parents and me. That was it though.
They stopped and we had no more contact again until they reached out last month and they told me they regretted the way our relationship ended up and they wanted us to talk things through. I wasn't interested and that's exactly what I told them, but they asked several times and they tried to get my grandparents on their side and failed.
My parents told me my sister misses me and they're trying to make things right but we need to talk. They asked me not to wait until it's too late. But I don't want to fix things. I don't want a relationship with them.
It's way too late for anything like that. My parents told me to remember I was no angel and I have some stuff I need to reflect on and own up to as well. They said they wanted this to work out though. AITA?
Here’s what people had to say to OP:
NTA. They ignored, they neglected you and they blamed you when you inevitably did whatever you could to try to get them to pay attention to you and they threw you away because of it. You owe them nothing.
They've realized the sister is going to live and are starting to worry about who's going to take care of her after they die. That's why they're talking about the sister missing him and wanting to reconcile but only on their terms. They want him participating in taking care of her. He's useful again now that he's come of age. NTA.
NTA what they did to you was horrible and it's totally understandable that you have no interest in reconnecting.
"My parents told me to remember I was no angel and I have some stuff I need to reflect on and own up to as well. "
The fact that they're still trying to blame you because you were acting out shows they haven't changed. You were a child desperate for love and attention while they were full grown adults. You are not to blame for what they did. I think it would be fine if you went so far as to block them on everything so they can't contact you at all. That would be perfectly understandable.
Yeah, two key things tell you everything you need to know about the parents. First, over a decade later, they are still holding an 8 year old responsible for his actions. Second, they threw the 8 year old away, but refused to pay child support.
OP, in the best case scenario, where they actually want a relationship, they will not be a good relationship for you, they will be poison. But the best case scenario is highly unlikely. They want something from you, they will get back in your head, and they will try and take it. Take care of yourself.
NTA. You were a child. You don't need to "own up and reflect on anything". Your parents had 2 children, and I am sorry your sister has some medical issues, but that is not your fault and that doesn't mean your parents didn't need to parent you too. They decided to "get rid of you" and now they regret it? If you don't want a relationship with them, you don't have to have one.
Tayzloray (OP)
And they regret it 11 years later when I'm technically all grown up and legally allowed to live on my own.
You didn't abandon them. They abandoned you. Even more, your mother told you, a child, that she hated you. They want something. You said your sister is delicate. What if she now needs an organ donor, or bone marrow, or who knows what? Even if straight up they want to reconnect, and highly doubtful, your mother is still blaming YOU. Don't look back.