'AITA for refusing to tell my husband what I do for work?' UPDATED

"AITA for not telling my husband what I do for work?"

My husband (40M) and I (38F) have been married for 18 years with 5 kids, ages 15 to 5. He is the main breadwinner, and I am a mostly SAHM (I homeschool our kids and do 99% of the domestic labor) though I also work 20 hours from home for a small business for the past two years.

For context, my husband makes a good living, but has felt that we need to pay off our house more aggressively, though he also enjoys going on nice vacations. Since I do all of the budgeting, with this economy and with having five growing kids, his salary covered our basic needs plus a little extra, but he felt that we needed to figure out a way to have more money come in or cut back our spending.

Two years ago, things really came to a head, and even though I was overwhelmed at home with everything, I decided to start looking for online work. I ended up finding a wonderful position that was remote for a small company that was part-time (20 hours per week). My working made it so that I was able to take half of my salary to put extra towards the mortgage, and the extra half towards vacations/Christmas.

This has worked well the past two years financially for us. However, when I started my new job, my husband didn't really seem interested, though he asked me how I would have time with all the stuff with the kids and the house.

I told him I would find the time, and he just shrugged. Every time I have tried to explain what I do for work to him, he changes the subject, ignores me, or tells me that he doesn't get it (I work in IT).

Today, I was talking to him on the phone, and he randomly asked me about the company since I mentioned some budget cuts when I was on the phone to a friend last night. He asked me if I was worried about my job in the future, and I told him that I wasn't super worried, but that there was a possibility I would be laid off in the new year, depending on profit margins.

He then said, "What is it that you even do, anyway?" This is where I might be the AH. I sighed and told him that I've tried to tell him on multiple occasions, and that he never cared before so why did he care now? He got defensive, saying that he is asking now, and that he didn't need a lecture from me.

I told him that I wasn't lecturing him, but that I was hurt that he has never shown interest or seemed to be appreciative of the extra income that my job brings in. I told him that it's kind of insane that he doesn't know what I even do for a living. He got mad, and said that it wasn't okay for me not to tell him what I do for a living, and that I'm keeping secrets from him.

Then I got mad, and told him that if he just listened, there wouldn't be any secrets. He said that he is an adult who doesn't need to be lectured and attacked, and that if I wasn't going to tell him what I do for work, then he didn't need to talk to me. He then hung up the phone. I tried to call him back, but he is now refusing to answer my calls or texts.

I was really mad at first, but now I am wondering, AITAH for not just telling him? It's not a secret. I told him about it before, but I honestly just don't feel seen by him in most of the work that I do, whether it is around the house or working part-time to get a paycheck.

This is what people had to say to OP:

sillylilgooseberry said:

14 years married here, and can't imagine a functional marriage where my spouse didn't have a clue what I did at work. Every day we discuss our little work gripes, talk about what's been going on, ways we could do things differently... If my husband was that disinterested in my life... OUR life, I would have a really hard time.

I don't think you're the AH, but it sounds like the both of you have some communication challenges to work through.

Briscogun said:

So you've been doing this for 2 years and he's just NOW asking questions? After ignoring you telling him about your job for 2 years? Talk about a self-centered guy! Can't be bothered to care what the hell his wife is doing for 2 years, then when it might end he starts asking questions because that'll affect him? NTA, but your husband is!

Tell your husband this: NEWSFLASH! It's not all about you, bro! Maybe pay a little bit of attention to your wife, listen to her once in a while, and at least feign interest so she thinks you care about her more then being a domestic servant.

Independent-Bed-6587 asked:

So, what do you do for work?

OP responded:

lol, nothing super special. Just a support specialist for IT. He doesn't do anything with technology, so I think he just thinks I play on the computer.

And live2begrateful said:

So you are homeschooling the 5 children, doing 99% of the house work and working PT and your husband is giving you attitude for not listening to you. You are NTA, he is.

OP later shared this update:

Thank you all for the opinions and responses. To answer a few common questions: no, I'm not in OF. I didn't even know what that was until I googled it, and then laughed hard. lol. Also, to clarify, YES, I have told him before what I had done multiple times. I feel like a lot of people missed that in the first post.

He did call me back a little while ago (he works long days, and some times I don't see him until very late at night), and he apologized. He said he did remember what I had told him before, but couldn't remember the specifics at that second. I apologized for overreacting, and told him I feel burned out. He apologized and said that he also was frustrated with something else at work and took it out on me.

For those people saying our relationship is doomed, we're going to prove you wrong. :) We did talk about going to counseling (we went years ago), and think it would be good since we obviously both need to work on communication and making each other a priority.

He also told me that if my job does end or if I'm too overwhelmed and want to quit, that paying off the house is just something that would be nice, but that ultimately, we are fine where we are. He even mentioned maybe lessening the house payment to bring in a house cleaner once a month (or more) to help me with how much I have on my plate. Truthfully, I think we have both been overwhelmed.

He really is a great guy, and I think that we both have been so busy with life that we have forgotten to focus on our relationship. I did tell him about this post, and he said, "I bet I was the AH because I was acting like one."

I told him that it was kind of split, and he said he was definitely the AH because he wouldn't answer the phone. He did clarify that he couldn't answer a good part of the day though (he was in a meeting so his phone was on silent), so that made sense too.