'AITA for refusing to thank my husband for staying with me after I became disabled?'
"AITA for refusing to thank my husband for staying with me after I became disabled?"
FamiliarPop5136
I (26 F) have been with my husband Jake (28 M) for 7 years, married for 5. About three years ago I was in a situation where I ended up with severe nerve damage in my hands leaving me disabled. I have very little use/ feeling in my hands and can’t do any fine motor activities and struggle to use my hands to do many day to day activities.
While most things I can manage alright if given plenty of time to accomplish said tasks, the extensive use of the joints in my fingers causes excruciating pain and numbness. For example typing for too fast or too long, doing makeup, writing with a normal pen or pencil. On my really bad days I can struggle with tasks like holding the remote and turning door knobs.
Because my husband loves me and is a good person he’s taken on a lot of work in assisting me to do things himself and creating easier ways for me to do things. Including wrapping tape or gauze around thinner handheld objects, buying every kitchen tool he can find that has bigger moving parts, and even just doing a lot of things for me.
My husband often cuts my food for me, does most of the dishes and cooking, ties my shoes, zips my coat, and a million other things to make my life easier. He even learned how to do eyeliner and blush for the days I want to wear makeup but can’t because my hands are numb.
We had my in-laws (MIL, FIL, my husbands two sisters and their husbands and kids, his brother, and his aunt and uncle) over for a Halloween dinner party over the weekend.
I was having a rough day with the pain and numbness so my husband did most of the cooking while I sat at the table with my in laws. My husband let everyone know the food was done and immediately dished me up and brought me my food before getting his. Which I of course thanked him for.
After I had finished my food he went and got me more of whatever I wanted, got me dessert, and took my dishes away as he normally does when I have bad days. And of course I thanked him whenever he did so.
My in laws are aware of my issues so they don’t question my husband doing things for me. However, my MIL likes to brag about what a good person my husband is for helping me-and how lucky I am to have him.
Which shouldn’t really be a problem except for the fact that she acts like I should be grateful that my husband stays with me and assists me despite my disability. Of course I’m grateful for everything he does but wedding vows are literally “in sickness and in health”. Staying with and supporting your partner if they become ill or disabled is the bare minimum a spouse should do.
I’m not going to get down on my knees and thank the gods above that my husband didn’t leave me when I became disabled (as my MIL thinks I should) because it’s the bare minimum. If you leave your sick or disabled partner just because they’re sick or disabled you never loved them in the first place.
There has been many instances where my MIL has told me how grateful I should be, how lucky I am, how much I owe my husband just for loving me and helping me in my day to day life.
Towards the end of the night my MIL was again gushing over what an amazing man she raised when she said “OP you really should be thanking him for all he does for you. Not every husband would stay with a wife who can’t do very much. It’s a privilege to be married to the kind of man my son is. You need to thank him for staying with you when you had your accident, not every man would do what he did”.
My MIL has said some insensitive and ignorant things and a PLETHORA of downright rude and hurtful things but she’s never gone as far as to outright tell me that I should thank my husband for not divorcing me. But I didn’t want to take her bait, or whatever the hell it was. I said “oh I thank him all the time for what he does for me”.
My MIL responded saying “but did you ever actually thank him for staying with you? Not just cutting your steak but for still being married to you? It really doesn’t seem like you appreciate him much and it breaks my heart because he’s still so kind to you”.
At this point I had enough and gave her my honest response. I told her that no, I have never and will never thank my husband for not divorcing me over nerve damage. That it’s a spouses job to love and take care of their partner and nobody deserves a cookie or pat on the back for staying with the person they literally VOWED to stay with in sickness and health.
That the common belief that disabled people aren’t deserving of love and should be grateful that someone is willing to be with them is harmful and ableist. Insinuating that disabled people are less than able bodied people and don’t deserve the same things as everyone else is absolutely disgusting.
My MIL got defensive and angry saying she was only looking out for her son and I told her to leave. My husband backed me up. She (and my FIL) left with a huff but several of my in laws told me that you should have just let her be.
That I knew she was tipsy and getting worked up and I could have just let her have it. My husband's aunt even told me that going out of my way to not just say thank you was a huge idiot move. AITA?
My husband frequently shuts his mom down when she gets on like that and did tell her to stop. I’d also like to mention that yes of course I’m aware there are circumstances in which people are unable to take care of a sick or disabled spouse. I know there’s going to be that person who comes at me with the “what if” scenarios.
Here were the top rated comments from readers in response to the OP's post:
Designer-Carpenter88
Jesus. You shouldn’t give a darn what your MIL thinks. It took me a while, but I quit caring what my in laws thinks a while back. Forget those alcoholic ahol3s. Sounds like you have a good husband and you seem sufficiently thankful. Don’t worry what other people think. The only one who’s opinion matters is your husband.
Silent_Ad5379
Honestly, I’d have been tempted to say that she should be grateful that her own husband is still with her, despite the fact that she’s a horrible harpy/shrew/hag. Has she thanked him for putting up with that?
BathAcceptable1812
My husband really loves me a lot as well but I do thank him for his patience and staying with me during my deteriorating mobility and health. Because frankly he doesn’t have to and I don’t want him to if he becomes unhappy and/or miserable.
jlhouse36
ETA except hubby? Look I’ve been where HE is. He doesn’t owe you because of marriage vows. It’s not that freaking simple! It’s exhausting, it’s draining! It changes every aspect of a marriage and if all you do is give and give and give because it’s “in your marriage vows”, you feel taken for granted.
Yeah he cut your steak thanks babe, how about hey, I appreciate every aspect of what you have done for me, and continue to do for me. My life would be less without you. I know how special you are. Thanks.
Do something special for him. He deserves it too. Your vows said in sickness and health. He’s healthy, by your way of thinking he’s owed as well. We’re almost 10 years out from an accident that changed every thing about our lives.
It hurt him, his body. Devastated his mind trying to cope with all of it but certainly impacted mine and our kids lives too. He wasn’t great about showing or verbalizing his emotions or appreciation.
It damn near tore us apart. Do something now and drop that entitled, well he married me so it’s his default job to do it, attitude before you lose more than what you already have.