'AITA for refusing to wear a wig in my brother’s wedding?' UPDATED

"AITA for refusing to wear a wig in my brother’s wedding?"

I (23F) have decided not to wear a wig in my brother’s wedding. When he proposed, I was thrilled. I cheered them on from my dorm room. But this wedding has stressed everyone out, and for me, it’s come to a breaking point.

At the first bridal event, the bride handed out “experience packages” for her bridesmaids up to $3,000, including a destination trip. I’m a recent college grad with an entry-level salary. We discussed hairstyles. The bridal party agreed on updos, given the humidity.

Months later, the bride texts me that she changed the style and wants me to wear wig. I had recently done a big chop and dyed my natural hair, a major milestone for me. I asked if braids were okay. She said no, followed by texts about “uniformity.” I asked her to send wig details. She didn’t for months.

After her bridal shower, she asked if I’d bought a wig, told me the stylist cost, and when I didn’t respond fast enough, she still signed a contract with the stylist. I tried to compromise. I’d install the wig myself and have the stylist style it. She said no, her stylist wouldn’t work behind anyone else’s install. I said I was uncomfortable with both the price and process.

She replied: “Because you cut and dyed your hair, there are now extra costs for uniformity.” “Okay.” In therapy, I shared how I’ve often felt like the family scapegoat. My boundaries = defiance. My therapist said: “When people get used to you performing, they raise the bar every time.” My gut said: I’m not wearing the wig.

I explained this to my parents. My mom called me selfish. My dad said, “You were a child. You couldn’t say no,” then added, “If the bride doesn’t get what she wants, you’re out of the wedding party.” I texted the bride. She respected my decision, but I could “support from the crowd.”

I responded: “What stings is being told I can only stay if I change everything about how I show up. That’s not unity. That’s control. I love you, but won’t disappear.” She forwarded it to my family.

She’s been very controlling. Others have clashed with her and her maid of honor dropped out. My brother says she talks negatively about our family. When I brought that up, my dad shouted that no one’s on my side and blamed my mental health. I was told I shouldn’t attend the wedding at all. My brother said he didn’t care if I was in the wedding party, which lifted some guilt. I told him I’ll still show up as myself.

The bride finally sent a message saying I was condescending, my choice was last-minute, she’s the center of this new chapter, the Bible says the wife comes first, and I “kicked myself out.”

I responded with truth: I’d expressed discomfort early on. My words weren’t cruel, they were clarifying. I shared scripture (Ephesians 5). Respect goes both ways. I respect their marriage, but I respect myself more.

She sent it to my brother. He text me: “I love you, but she comes first. If you can’t fall in line, you’re out. No more discussion.” AITA for refusing to wear a wig and standing in my truth?

EDIT: I should note that once my brother said he didn't care if I was in the party, I agreed and said I would sit in the audience and support him. This is my only brother/sibling so ofc I want to be in his wedding!

What do you think? AITA? This is what commenters had to say:

mandles55 said:

You're not out of line for not wearing a wig and not being a bridesmaid. But I do feel you are making a big deal out of it. It sounds like they were ok with you not being a bridesmaid, your brother supported you.

But it also sounds like you didn't do this in a quiet, polite, way. It feels slightly like you are making this about you and stirring up bad feelings about the bride, that's not ok, especially as your brother seems supportive.

OP responded:

I understand your statement, but I had to leave a lot out. My whole intermediate family (brother included) lashed out on me multiple times for not complying and called me out my character. I've been polite and also firm. I like the bride, I really haven't had any issue with her up until this point. However, if someone is going to be joining my life and it's not my decision, I am going to have a say on how they treat me.

That1WithTheFace said:

NTA - Bridesmaids aren’t your personal ornaments to your wedding. They should be there because they are important people in your life and not because they are the best decoration for your photos. It’s no surprise other bridesmaids are dropping. Personally I would have not agreed to a wig at all, so the fact you’ve already tried to compromise on this is above and beyond what I think should be expected anyway.

BoysenberryPicker said:

These people all sound shitty & you deserve better. NTA. Continue with therapy & uninvite yourself from the wedding so you can focus on what & who matters most to you, starting with yourself

jmking said:

NTA - you're not a doll, you're a person. The people chosen to be a member of a bridal party or groomsmen should be chosen because of the person they are and what they mean to the couple, not treated as ornaments who are only there out of obligation or bullying.

You've done nothing wrong OP. The way you've defended yourself is super-humanly calm, measured, and self-assured. You know you're not the AH. The only reason people are giving you sheet is because they're having to deal with this bride's BS in the fallout and want you to just comply so they can be rid of her sheet.

And wrenwynn said:

Gentle ESH. You're not wrong or rude or out of line for not wanting to wear a wig. However, you were given multiple chances to gracefully bow out and just attend as a guest and you kept pushing the issue. Not your brother. Not your soon to be sister-in-law. Not your family. You.

I think she's beyond ridiculous for treating her bridal party like props and trying to make everyone look consistent down to hair. But you had plenty of opportunities to just say "sorry, I'm not comfortable with wearing a wig so I'll just be a guest."

And not only did you not do that, you continued to escalate it by swapping scripture references in presumably some attempt to either shame her or justify your position as being morally superior. It's her wedding, her choice. You can say no, but you can't dictate what she wants. Let it go, the event isn't about you.

She later shared this update:

Hi, everyone! First, I just want to thank you all for your comments, insights, and support! This has been such a wild and isolating experience, and it’s helped more than you know.

I’m currently in a different state from my family but will be returning tomorrow. I got my hair done yesterday. A sew-in at a salon I have history with. It was a last-minute appointment, so the color turned out a bit louder than expected, but it’s cute and professionally styled.

Recently, the bride mentioned that colored hair was acceptable as long as it was in a ponytail. So I did just that. It fits me and I was glad that I invested in the style.

Along with photos of my hair, I sent a message to my family and the bride. It was sincere and calm. I expressed that I wasn’t trying to make this wedding about me, that being given an ultimatum over my own body felt frightening, and that I’ve never had an issue with the bride personally. But she doesn’t get to control what goes on my head, especially if she isn’t open to compromises or helping financially.

My brother replied: "You have eliminated your chance for recourse with how you have acted with everything. You're out. That's final." I replied: “Okay.”

I’ve been focused on taking care of my mental health and processing things in a way that’s healthy for me. But when I called my mom tonight and asked about the wedding, she said the same things I’ve been hearing: that I’m being dramatic, trying to mess up the day, and that I’ll “make a big scene.”

She and my dad seem to be trying to “stand up” to me now, likely because they know how it might look if I’m not in the wedding. But it doesn’t feel like it’s coming from a genuineness. It feels performative.

Some commenters asked if I had a relationship with the bride. I believe I’ve tried. I even opened up to her about a painful situation from college, something deeply personal and shaming. I was hoping for understanding or at least compassion. But tonight, my mom told me the bride is now uncomfortable having me at the wedding because of that vulnerability.

Some people have said that my message to her when she kicked me out made it seem like I dragged this out. Maybe I did. But for me, marriage is deeply sacred. My parents have been married for almost 40 years, grandparents close to 70 years. And that legacy means something to me.

I want to be married someday too, not just to have a wedding, but to build something real, lasting, and rooted in love. That’s why I’ve given so many chances. That’s why I’ve tried so hard to show up, even when I’ve felt pushed aside. Because I cherish family. And I wanted to believe they cherished me too.