Bride's gives ultimatum to plus-size bridesmaid over 'unflattering' dress. 'Wear it or leave.' AITA?
"AITA for refusing to wear the bridesmaid dress picked for me?"
My (30F) little brother (28M) Is getting married at the end August, and my sil (26F) invited me to be in her bridal party. We’re not super close, though she’s always been very friendly to me up until this event, but I accepted.
She’s a very good looking, thin girl, and so are all of the other women in the bridal party. I on the other hand, am on the heavier side, so next to them, I look like the token fat friend in a super skinny friend group.
The bride wants us all to match, and picked out the bride’s maid dresses herself, not even giving us choices. The dress is pretty on its own: floor length A-line dresses with a silky texture and v neckline. The only thing the bride let us decide on was the color, and we all agreed on lavender.
The dresses came two weeks ago, and they’re very flattering on all the other bridesmaids, but not on me. Like I said, I’m a big girl, and I carry a lot of weight in my stomach and back, and the dress is very synced at the waist.
On all her friends with tiny waists it looks good, but on me, it looks wrong. It highlights all my stomach fat in the worst way possible. Another thing I have a problem with is the straps which are thin spaghetti straps.
I usually avoid things with thin straps because I feel like it shows off my chubby armpits. All the other girls say it looks great on me too, but I think they’re just gaslighting me.
The other day I was scrolling on pinterest and came across this beautiful dress with an empire waistline and short sleeves that cover the whole shoulder. It also has a lower neck line which flatters my bigger bust. I knew it would look fabulous on me, or at least better than the bridesmaid dress we already got.
I sent a picture to the bride and asked her if I could wear it instead of the dress she picked out for me. She said no: it looks to different from the other girls’ dresses, both in form and color (the closest color that matches is more indigo) and it won’t look good in pictures, and will throw everything off.
She wants me to match with all her friends so that we all look like a cohesive unit. Even after I told her all about how I felt like the dress she picked looked bad on me and made me look fat next to all her skinny friends, she still refused.
She said she had a very specific vision in her mind that she wanted to make come to life, and apparently my dress of choice would ruin that vision. She said that if I’m uncomfortable with the dress I should get it altered, or buy one that was at least the same color as the other girls’ so I wouldn’t stick out too much, but I have my heart set on this dress.
She said that if I really wanted to wear that dress to her wedding, I could not be in the bridal party, I would have to come as a regular guest. That made me feel even more angry, shamed, and alienated.
I called my brother and told him that she basically kicked me out of the bridal party, but he ended up taking her side, saying it was their day, and he’s not going to make his wife compromise her vision just because I’m insecure.
I feel like he doesn’t understand what it’s like to be a chubby girl, especially how hard it is to dress up and look nice, but even my mom took their side.
So am I the AH?
Here is what readers had to say in response to the OP’s post:
You "have your heart set on this dress"? You realize this isn't your wedding? You are in the bridal party. Yeah, wearing a dress that we don't like or makes us look fat isn't fun. But it is a you problem in the scheme of things. I've done it many times, and will again, because IT ISN'T ABOUT ME.
That line stuck out to me too…uhhh, it’s not your wedding. You don’t get to be ‘heart set’ on a dress as a bridesmaid. But you can as a guest!
It’s completely understandable to want to feel comfortable and confident, but in this case, I think the bride is in the right. When you agree to be part of someone’s bridal party, you’re essentially agreeing to their vision for the wedding—including the dress choice—because the whole point is for the bridal party to look coordinated in photos and at the ceremony.
The bride isn’t trying to shame you or single you out; she picked a dress style that all her bridesmaids will be wearing for consistency. She even offered reasonable alternatives, like getting the dress altered or finding one in the exact same color, which would help you feel more comfortable without disrupting her vision.
It's her wedding. Bridesmaids have worn horrible dresses pretty much always. You don't get to decide. YTA.
The Bride was being shockingly flexible letting you get a different dress as long as it's the same color, it was totally reasonable and normal to want the dresses to be the same. If you had a problem with the dress you should have brought it up before they were ordered and paid for.
You get to pick out your own (non-white) dress when you are a guest, not a bridesmaid. If you like the dress so much order it and wear it to the next wedding you go to where you are not in the wedding party. Indigo is a very different color from lavender, so your request is really wild. I think it's best if you step back on this one and leave the wedding party. YTA.
YTA. I mean she gave you options including "buy one that was at least the same color as the other girls’ so I wouldn’t stick out too much" and your response is "but I have my heart set on this dress"?? Total AH move. And then you lied to your brother. Again AH move.