'AITA for refusing to visit in-laws after my kids were excluded from Christmas?' UPDATED
"AITA for refusing to visit in-laws after my kids were excluded from Christmas?"
I have three children from my first marriage and were never quite accepted by my wife’s parents. The kids have their butthole moments like all kids but they’re polite and have manners while visiting.
Say thank you when they receive gifts and overall pretty good. My MIL would send the birthday cards an even though the responses may be delayed, the kids always gave a hug and a thank you. Her and my wife would say that they should be raised with a Christian upbringing because that’s how they were raised.
Fast forward a couple years, my daughter is a teenager. My MIL would stay in my daughter’s room even though I offered ours saying that it doesn’t make sense because it’s an empty room. My daughter was upset that all of her stuff was moved and turned off because of my MIL staying there. She asked if she could sleep in another room and all hell broke out.
My kids were called unappreciative brats, it’s the bed they gave us and my daughter can sleep on the floor and all kinds of too much. My wife took her mom’s side seeing nothing wrong. For Christmas this year, all of the biological grandkids had presents bought for them and my kids had none. They acted like that didn’t bother them but it did.
I was pissed because I thought that was really mean to exclude them. My wife takes her mom’s side, my kids refuse to speak and I refuse to visit anymore.
So, AITA here?
Here's what people had to say to OP:
Guilty_Award_2777 wrote:
NTA and I would reconsider your marriage if your wife is not ride or die for your children which by extension should be her children, too.
Pollythepony1993 responded:
I am a stepmom and I approve this message. As a stepparent you should treat the kids like they are yours and not make a difference between your own “blood” and them. Children can’t choose a situation or partner for their parent. It is up to the adults to make the children’s life at least not harder than it already is (or can be). That is the bare minimum.
fiestafan73 wrote:
Your wife defending this tells you everything you need to know about her. Protect your kids and get out. I would ask them privately how she makes them feel when you are not around. I am guessing it is not good. NTA. I would never spend another second with those in-laws even if you do stay married.
Capable-General-1937 wrote:
Here's my understanding:
- It's your teen daughter's room. She lives in it and it's her space with her stuff.
- Grandma decides to stay in your teen daughter's room despite there being another room.
- Daughter sleeps in that room also while Grandma is there?
- Grandma decided to touch things that isn't hers and move someone else's things around.
- Daughter asks Grandma to not sleep in her room due to her messing with her stuff.
- Grandma completely loses her composure and ridicules daughter and your other kids.
- Grandma doesn't talk about it with you and still holds a grudge against your kids.
- Your wife thinks Grandma is right that Daughter must forfeit her room to Grandma despite Grandma being disrespectful to the fact that it is her room.
Questions:
- Have you been able to talk to your wife about it alone?
- Has your family talked together, just you + your wife + kids, about the incident and why?
- Does Mom think the grudge is OK?
Current Judgment:
NTA - Grandma doesn't seem to know what respect is and holding a grudge against children instead of helping them see her point of view and teaching them, is childish.
ChillyTodayHotTamale wrote:
NTA. My brother, technically step brother but I have never seen him that way because he is from a previous marriage and lived with us since I could remember, brought my nephews to my mom's family Christmas twice. Both times nobody bought gifts for his kids except my mom and dad. So he stopped coming. My parents threw a fit but he stood up for his kids and I don't blame him.
different-take4u wrote:
NTA, there is a really good way to straighten everyone out. You teach your kids and give them permission to ask the right questions of both their stepmother and their step grandmother.
Asking them both, SM and SGM, what they did to deserve to not get any Christmas gifts when the others did. Asking them why they didn’t get the same treatment, why were they discriminated against. Are they not loved, the same.
Yes sir, saying it right out is just how to teach your kids to deal with people like their SM and SGM. I personally would not stay with a partner that was in agreement with your MIL, that some kids get gifts and some don’t, especially at a family event like Christmas. As revenge, your kids ought to wrap presents for SM and SGM that are empty, save a note saying they are returning last year’s gifts.
Catjarmanspants wrote:
Nope. NTA.
Why the hell does granny want to sleep in a teenager's bedroom? Your wife , and your wife's family, is dog crap. Get rid. Your children will know where they sit in your priorities by what you do - they already know how your wife feels about them.
After receiving lots of feedback, OP shared an update.
UPDATE: For clarification, Christmas was at the MIL and my older three didn’t go because they were at their bio mom's that weekend. My wife was great with the kids until our little one came two years ago then everything changed. Her brother and sister bought the kids presents as did her uncle (great people).
I told my wife that I or my kids are never visiting again. Moving forward in our marriage, I gave an ultimatum. Go see a counselor or I’ll go see an attorney. She finally admitted that it was messed up what happened.
The kids were pretty much gfy with the whole thing and rallied around each other (and their little brother whom they adore). My oldest even texted “thanks for the presents” to be a dick. That’s it for now. I’ll update more