'AITA for refusing to wear my future MIL's wedding dress?' UPDATED 2X

"AITA for refusing to wear my future MIL's wedding dress?"

I (23F) recently got engaged to my boyfriend (35M). A few days later, my future MIL invited me over to “talk wedding plans.” Instead, she brought out her old wedding dress and told me she had always hoped her son’s future wife would wear it.

I could tell the dress meant a lot to her, but it’s very old-fashioned, not my style, and honestly just doesn’t fit the type of wedding I’m planning. I thanked her for showing it to me and told her that I appreciated the offer, but I had always imagined choosing my own dress.

Well, she got upset and said she thought it was a family tradition and that she saved the dress specifically for this moment. Later, she told my fiancé that I “rejected her.” Now he says I should’ve at least tried it on so her feelings wouldn’t be hurt. I truly didn’t mean to upset anyone…I just want to pick a dress that feels like me and makes me confident. AITA for saying no???

Not long after posting, OP shared two updates.

UPDATE: My Fiancé has stood by my decision since telling him how I feel. He wasn’t expecting me to actually wear her dress, he just wanted to make her happy. He also expressed that he knows it’s our wedding and not hers so whatever decision we make will be completely up to us!

UPDATE #2: AGAIN my Fiancé is standing firm with my decision and always has outside of this. He and I both know that the reason she’s being so pushy on this is because her daughter has already refused to wear it and she wanted to keep the dress alive.

Outside of this she has been great and super supportive, especially when me and him bought our home recently. So we gave her the benefit of the doubt for that but again my Fiancé doesn’t do everything she says, he’s simply a people pleaser like me but always puts me our relationship first.

As for all the unnecessary age gap hate comments, you can keep them to yourself unless you’d like to share your own experiences and RESPECTFUL opinions. Our relationship is healthy and happy and I wouldn’t judge or hate on anyone else’s relationships for any other reason so please don’t do so with mine:) Thanks!

Here's what people had to say to OP:

cluttrdmind wrote:

NTA. Your future mother-in-law didn’t wear HER mother-in-law‘s dress, so she can hardly claim it’s a tradition. I would’ve tried it on just for fun, told her what I had in mind for my wedding dress and invited her to go shopping with me, assuming you have an otherwise good relationship with her.

OP responded:

The only reason I didn’t try it on was because I knew she was going to get excited and start planning on making adjustments to the dress and I didn’t want to have to say no again.

fantastic_bunch3532 wrote:

And this is insight into the rest of your life with this woman. Really think about that before you walk down the aisle.

kita_kawaii responded:

And her son…constantly making her feel guilty for not appeasing his mom the way he thinks she should have…even when what she did was polite and honest. Not rude or offensive.

OP responded:

How did you get him always making me feel guilty from one post lol. If you saw my update you’d see he stood by my decision and understands it’s OUR wedding. He’s been my rock through everything.

kita_kawaii responded:

I didn’t say he does…I said that’s the life you’re in for if he doesn’t have your back with his mom. If you read the original comment that’s the context I replied to. Do you.

I’ve already walked that path with my first marriage that ended in divorce because he just got worse caving to his mom once he thought I wasn’t going anywhere because we were already married. Also, the update was not there when I made this reply. You asked for advice…people are giving it.

The bottom line is, he can support your decision to your face…but you’re not the one he needs to voice that to. He needs to have a conversation with his mom about how she reacted not being acceptable and accusing you of rejecting her not being acceptable. Not telling you that you should have appeased her before turning her down. Anything short of that is not real support of your choice and you.

OP responded:

I didnt know you didn’t see np but it was after so I assumed and I appreciate you sharing your experience and 100% agree but I do have a great and promising career to fall back into if needed and have supported myself and had my own home before him so i’m just taking a risk like anyone else would in relationships.

And in regards of the second half of your reply, we all three had a conversation together about it where he took the lead and told her how it was. I had a late update on that too my bad.

acatnamedwow wrote:

NTA. Tell fiancé his mother is manipulative and if she’s so insistent then HE can wear it or he can find another fiancée to wear it. He needs to set boundaries with his mother now or you need to save yourself 10 years of grief and dump him and his mother now before you wind up divorced because of her interference and meddling in your marriage.

OP responded:

Lmao that’d be great but anyways I updated not too long ago and he’s stood by my decision and has told her it’s our wedding not hers since!

Upset-Ad3509 wrote:

Sweetheart, you have a fiance problem. His mother's disappointment over her inability to convince you to live out her fantasy should not lead to him catering to her feelings over yours regarding your wedding dress! If you had tried it on, it would have just increased the pressure on you to choose it instead of choosing your own dress and style.

I'm wondering in what other areas he prioritizes keeping her happy over keeping you happy. Your feelings in your marriage should be the number 1 priority, not hers! And to be honest it's a bit creepy that she wants to see her son marry a woman wearing his mother's wedding dress. Boy Mom ick vibes.

pim56 wrote:

NTA. And I encourage you to take a deeper look at the relationship between your bf and his mother. There's a reason why a 35-year-old man is marrying a woman 12 years his junior, and she may be a big part of it. If he's going to put her feelings ahead of yours, he's not the one. You deserve better.

DifferentTie8715 wrote:

Hey you need to pop the brakes on this engagement. If a thirty-five-year old man hasn't cut the apron strings from Mama, you're in for a ROUGH TIME as his wife. She could live another 30+ years and will probably have a lot of opinions on the way you raise your kids.

Keep your house, spend your money, what kind of work you do, how you spend your free time, where and how you spend your holidays...and your "man" will not protect you from ANY of it, because he is still emotionally dependent on her.

You are young. There will be other suitors, don't be in too big a hurry to hustle down the aisle with a dude whose heart really belongs to Mama. It seldom ends well.