'AITA for rejecting my GF's birthday present?' UPDATED

"AITA for rejecting my girlfriend's birthday present?"

Yesterday it was my birthday, and my girlfriend surprised me with a present which I did not receive very well at all. My response upset her deeply and the stream of criticism I’m getting from our mutual friends is making me think that I’m an a$$hole. Bear with me whilst I whip you through the story.

I have spent a good chunk of my life attempting to fit in and conform. This was the story of my teens and even my early 20s whilst at University. The result? I never felt comfortable in my own skin and was constantly forced to repress my true character.

These behaviours manifested themselves in a variety of ways: wearing clothing I thought was fashionable, spending long and tiring evenings at nightclubs; listening to music that I didn’t really like and maintaining friendships with people that I didn’t have much in common with.

The year I left university, my attitude changed. This may sound a little strange, but it is entirely relevant to this question: I wore the clothes that I wanted to wear. I’ve always had a passion for 1930s-1950s fashion and tailoring. This is exactly the type of clothing that I have worn ever since.

I fully admit that I do not look overly fashionable, maybe I even look as if I’m a cast member in a period drama at times, but I’m now happy and comfortable in my own skin. I don’t really want to change myself for anyone.

I work as a musician and composer. I have a wide circle of friends who work in the creative arts sector and met my current girlfriend whilst attending a friend’s gallery opening in January. We clicked because we had a similar sense of humour and worldview. The first few months have been great, and I’ve been happier than I have in a very long time.

As aforementioned, it was my birthday yesterday and we face timed each other. It serves to mention that my girlfriend comes from a wealthy background and her parents give her a (very) generous living allowance each month.

Whilst on our call, she revealed her birthday present to me which was (I suppose) an extremely generous and thoughtful gift. In short, she offered to give me a complete stylistic makeover and “bring my wardrobe into the 21st century” - her words.

My response was not positive to say the least. I explained to her that I was comfortable in my own skin and didn’t really intend to change who I was for anybody, that the clothes I wore were an expression of my personality and it would be dishonest to myself and others if I was to attempt to conform to the way others wanted me to behave.

To make a massive understatement, she wasn’t very pleased. She hung up on me and then didn’t respond to my calls or texts through the rest of the day. Later on, a mutual friend contacted me to say how much I had upset her and how I should apologise. AITA?

What do you think? AITA? This is what top commenters had to say:

comingtogetyoubabs said:

NTA - I would be rather offended if someone offered to revamp my wardrobe with different styles. "Hey, let's lose the goth, maybe get you some flower prints' - nothing against them, but not for me. Seems like you were gentle and just tried to explain your stance while she threw a tantrum. The money value has no bearing - it was a bad idea.

shelbiiee said:

NTA - to me it sounds like she's uncomfortable with your style which is why she's suggested (by covering it up as a gift) a makeover. I'd have reacted the same way, she probably means well but reality of it, it's insulting.

Ekaterini10 said:

NTA. It's really rude do give someone such a gif if someone never expressed something in this direction. Its like when you gift a girl make up if she isnt really big into make up. They would feel offended like you in this situation. Does your girlfriend know your university story? If yes she would be defenitly an @$$hole.

monalovescats said:

Maybe she was genuinely trying to do a nice thing, but if you’ve only been dating since January this feels like a very over-the-top gift. It’s also presumptuous that she thinks you’ve been waiting for her to “bring your style into the 21st century.”

witchwhichwish said:

There was a post here a few months ago about a girl dressing up like she's from the 50s all the time and her boyfriend not liking it. The general consensus was that if you look like you're in costume 100% of the time it can be embarrassing for your partner. I think NAH

UPDATE:

First, I would like to clarify two things:

Firstly, my wardrobe: Whilst I do have a large number of suits and jackets etc, I also do have more Casual items such as jeans, shirts and bomber jackets - they do confirm to a 1950s style, however.

It is not as if I wear a suit and tie whilst doing my weekly shop or running errands. I am a big believer that clothes should be appropriate to the event attended. My partner wanted me to start building a wardrobe based around very “modern” items that weren’t me at all.

Secondly, I should clarify that I did explain my reasons for rejecting the present to her properly. Some posters did wonder whether I had discussed the reasons underlying my sartorial choices.

The answer to this is a yes. In fact, the first night we met she complimented me on my dress sense and ended up having an unexpectedly deep conversation about the why I dressed the way I did. I was therefore quite surprised by the fact she wanted me to change this.

Anyhow, we spoke to each other last night. As neither of us were caught in the moment or flustered, I explained my point of view quite clearly and probably an awful lot better than in the first instance. She also gave me more insight into the reasons why she’d made the initial request.

It aspired that one of her closest friends (who has never really liked me) had made some comments and this is where the request had emerged from. I don’t want to make her life difficult, or cause friction within her friendship group so I did agree to try on a few pairs of trainers!

As I said to someone who DM’ed me, the problem partly emerges from the fact that all my friends are creatives; many of us dress in quite bohemian and flamboyant ways. For someone who is still relatively new to my circle, I can see why this would be slightly jarring.

However, she did accept that I wasn’t willing to make sweeping changes to my wardrobe. So there we are, I suppose we can say some sort of middle ground has been found!