Am I wrong to be relieved that my poly partner and his gf lost their pregnancy?

When a gay man married a bisexual man, they agreed that bi guy could have female sex partners on the reg. But once someone got pregnant, things got complicated. Here's the story from Reddit. You decide who the as*hole is...

AITA (Am I the as*hole) for being kinda relieved that my bi partner lost their pregnancy?

u/Common-Asparagus-346 writes:

So my (31m) partner (35m) and I have been together for 6 years. I’ve known he was bi since the beginning and we decided that it was ok for us to open our relationship - I had no intention of sleeping around but I understand his sexuality is important so he would hook up with women whenever I was away for business.

Well he meets GirlX (32f) and they hit it off and have a habitual thing going which I fully supported. And then a truck hits me when she comes to tell us she’s pregnant.

I’ve always been impartial to the idea of having kids and my partner has always wanted them so I said it’s somewhat of a good blessing in disguise because we don’t have to pay the surrogacy or adoption costs.

As the pregnancy continues she becomes a bit more involved in our lives than I expected with either staying over constantly or my partner and her going for dinners to discuss the typical “how are we going to raise this baby” stuff.

So she hits month 4 and my partner blindsides me by saying she wants to move in and if a polyamorous relationship is something I’d consider. And I’m hurt. Because I feel trapped where they’ve clearly been discussing it and have made all these plans and have this vision of their life and it gets thrown on me to either accept it or kinda shatter this idea they have.

And to me it seems like they’re in the honeymoon, glamorized phase of how they think this will all go despite only knowing eachother for 8 months. Then she lost the pregnancy.

And I’ve been helping my partner through the grieving while still not really coming to terms with the ultimatum that was thrown at me and how I kind of look at my partner differently now for forcing a big relationship decision that seems to boil down to losing him or gaining a woman.

My husband later found some texts I sent to a friend saying that my heart breaks for him having to go through this but that I’m a bit relieved because it means their connection is gone. I said I hoped that this would knock some sense that having an entire polyamorous relationship based on 4 months of one-sided banging and 4 months of pregnancy isn’t enough to sustain a relationship.

I’m in no way happy that this poor woman and my partner have lost what could have been a child, but I’m surprised at how angry he is that maybe I didn’t want a whole other person (the girl) added to my life.

Later, he added for clarification:

-The original agreement was sex only and that the sex was not to interfere with our time together or take priority over our relationship-and protection was obviously to be used at all times

-I was ok with the regular sex with the woman because it limited exposure to STI and I understand if you can find someone for good sex, why not stick with it (they work in the same sector so meetups were limited to conferences etc.)

-the original conversation when we were told about the pregnancy was that co-parenting was an agreed-upon solution that all parties, myself included, were open to - what I didn’t agree to was her becoming a live-in addition to my life and their relationship continuing in a romantic sense, and it was discussed that she was dating other guys and their relationship was essentially over.

-I’m baby-agnostic: if we never have kids I’m not upset, if we have kids I would love that baby like any dad would

-I KNOW that bisexual =/= non-monogamous BUT I know that we are all sexual beings and in OUR specific situation it worked for us… up until now

So, who do you think the as*hole is? Or are there any? Or more than one?

Reddit ruled a solid NTA (not the as*hole) and offered OP some sage advice.

C_Majuscula says:

NTA. Your partner cooked up a whole polyamory plan and snooped your text messages. Unfortunately, he's probably going to use your texts to take his grief out on you and your relationship instead of taking responsibility for trying to force someone else into the relationship.

PolyPolyam writes:

It's not good polyamory/ENM when you steamroller your partner with situations. I wouldn't stick with someone that did this. They should have sat down with you and talked this out. You don't just force your partnere into living together. Oof. Some poly folks don't have that kind of arrangement. Some can. I bet the GF felt like she was about to get an extra pair of hands to help with baby.

Jolly_Tooth_7274 comments:

It wasn't selfish of you to expect that your husband stuck to the agreement he had with you. You never agreed to him having a parallel relationship, be it with a woman or a man. You never agreed to him raising a child with someone else other than you. That said, it was naive of you to think that a woman who is dating your husband would ever be ok with co-parenting with him and you, but keeping her life separated from his outside of that.

In your text to your friend, you described her as a 4-month side-banging. But you know that's not what she was. That's the issue. Your problem wasn't selfishness (that's your husband's), but the fact you consistently put on a facade about being fine with everything, when you weren't.

edgarallen-crow writes:

Ohhhhh boy...Okay, this is an emotional trap that is really easy to fall into around poly stuff, which is the idea that you're 'selfish' if you have boundaries or needs, or the idea that it's 'unenlightened' to want particular kinds or shapes of faithfulness from your partner.

I really want to emphasize that you are not selfish for wanting your husband to adhere to your agreements around non-monogamy. There is a lot of pressure to swallow your hurt so as not to interfere with the 'big happy poly family' but when that happens, the big happy family is being built on a foundation of sand.

I notice that nowhere in this mess did your husband come to you with a collaborative mindset. Your husband and his girlfriend went to dinners together to discuss raising the baby—did your husband also invest in time and conversations with you about how this baby would impact your lives?

Did you reach out to him about your increasing discomfort with the situation? I think you need to have a serious conversation with your husband about how he and his girlfriend basically bulldozed you and you didn't feel comfortable setting new boundaries or enforcing existing ones in a rapidly escalating situation.

Steups13 says:

NTA. Husband is using his sexuality to cheat on you. He clearly wants a family, full wife, child, white picket fence etc, with you on the side lines always looking in and for his convenience. Cut him loose. If you stay, you'll just get your heart broken over and over.

And covered-in-cats laid it all out:

Honestly, from my perspective as someone who has gone through kind of a similar situation, your read here seems correct to me. Some people can separate sex and romance, but not everyone, and even people who think they are in no danger of catching feelings can get caught when they have sex with the same person a lot. Add that fact to a guy who wants kids and a pregnant woman and of course you're going to have high emotions.

Now of course, you can absolutely be hurt and feel betrayed by your partner and his actions. That's completely fair and valid. But I wouldn't assume that he meant for things to turn out this way or that he intended to take advantage of you.

If you want to stay together, I'd say give it a couple of months for everyone's feelings to settle down and then have a heart-to-heart about your expectations and boundaries going forward. And of course always remember that even if you're husband didn't mean to hurt you, the damage is still done and it's okay to break up if you no longer trust him.

To which OP responded:

That was a really insightful and kind comment and I appreciate it.