Wife fed up with husband forgetting her birthday; 'at least pretend to care for me.' AITA?
"WIBTA if I didn’t remind my husband about my birthday?"
bdaysoon
Hello long time lurker, posting on mobile, apologies if formatting is weird, etc.
My husband (34) and I (33) have been together 9 years, married for 6. My birthday is coming up this week and I’m pretty sure he’s going to forget.
He’s not a birthday person, and he’s not big on getting or giving gifts, and he spaced on a lot of birthdays and anniversaries at the beginning of our relationship. But we worked through it and agreed to meet in the middle with him trying harder and me being more chill and that’s been mostly working.
But well he hasn’t asked me about anything, not even if I’m working that night or if there’s a restaurant I’d want to go to or anything. And I basically schedule and plan everything we do. I’m so tired of planning thoughtful things for him to do for me so that I have something to say when people ask me what he got me.
I don’t want to look up restaurants, check menus (last year during my birthday dinner he complained that there were only a couple things on the menu he could eat, even though I told him where I wanted to go a week ahead of time and specifically asked him to look at the menu) and check schedules and just have him show up and pay.
I want to feel like I’m worth literally any amount of effort or thought, that I’m a priority for him, that he knows me and cares about me. I’ve been feeling like this for the last year and we’ve been talking (fighting) about it and I’ve asked him to take more initiative and act more like my partner, but it hasn’t been happening.
I know his mom has asked him about what to get me for my birthday, so he’s got to know it’s coming up. I also maintain a digital household calendar with upcoming birthdays and events that I’ve shared with him multiple times, but I don’t think he’s ever clicked the link.
Which is all to say, I’m not trying to trick him or set him up for failure. I just would genuinely rather not celebrate my birthday at all than plan everything by myself.
I also don’t know if I remind him if he would even do anything, and I think that’s the worst part. If I don’t say anything and he doesn’t do anything then he just forgot. If I say something and he still doesn’t do anything, it would hurt more.
But at the same time I feel like it’s a dick move for me to know that I want something from him and will be disappointed if he doesn’t do it, and to not tell him. I’m really not trying to do some kind of gotchya thing. But it feels dishonest, especially with how much I’ve been thinking about it.
Here were the top rated comments from readers:
Capresesandwitch
NTA. You’ve been together for 9 years- he knows when your birthday is and he knows that you would like him to do something for it. You shouldn’t have to ask every single year.
Maybe make some unofficial backup plans for just you on your birthday (something you’d like to do but don’t necessarily need to book in advance, like going to a museum or a movie). And if he doesn’t do anything for your birthday, go celebrate on your own instead.
I know you don’t want to plan your own birthday, but if it’s just you it won’t take the same amount of mental labour as planning something for both of you or for a group. And you’ll still get to do something special.
OldestCrone
Adding on to this, make your concrete plans for a solo weekend. Do let him know about it as well as how much you are looking forward to it. Don’t be snarky or rub his face in his lack of consideration.
All you need to do is say that you are treating yourself to a weekend trip, when you are leaving and about when you will be back. While you are there, turn off your phone. Happy Birthday!
BrilliantEmphasis862
NTA - not hard to track a spouses bday and I’m terrible at bdays. go schedule a massage or shopping for yourself on your bday. Still make it about you. He can figure things out for himself that night.
squirrelsareevil2479
NTA. What is the end result you want here? You want him to remember on his own which you acknowledge he's unlikely to do. You accept you'll be disappointed either way. What do you want for the rest of your life?
This is really about the state of your marriage and how you don't feel appreciated. Are you willing to have the hard conversation that may not give you results you want. Is marriage counselling possible. It sounds like you need a big change and it may not be one you want.
HighlyImprobable42
"What is the end result you want here?"
This is the only relevant question.
OP, you've known each other the better part of a decade. Your husband is not going to change. So what do you want? Do you want him to acknowledge that he doesn't appreciate you?
Or ask him to try and then revert back to not appreciating you? I'd suggest sitting yourself down and really thinking hard at what you want. The answer might not be something your husband is willing or able to give you, but then you might also find the courage to dare to be happier. NTA and good luck.
twayjoff
NTA this birthday issue seems like the tip of the iceberg. It sounds like over the course of your relationship you’ve pretty clearly communicated what you want from him, it’s on him to step up and put some effort in.
owls_and_cardinals
I don't think you're TA for being in this difficult position and not wanting to be SO very responsible for the bare minimum he ever manages to turn out for your birthday.
This is sticky for the reasons you already know - you have baggage on this (together as a couple), and an established dynamic where you shoulder more of that emotional burden when it comes to keeping track of stuff like this.
But as you said you aren't setting him up for failure, you're just not interested in essentially putting together the gift he is to give you, just so that you can say and he can say he got you something.
So sit tight. Maybe he'll surprise you. But, I think you should try to think through what the next steps after your bday are, IF he does fail to remember. Do you ever plan to mention it? Will you give it several days and then approach him on the topic?
Given that you've had this discussion many times, it does seem reasonable for you to not step in and make sure to 'save' this event for him. But I think what comes next is the biggest hurdle - will his sadness at having forgotten it and failed you cause him to turn things around?
Or will it become a new low bar he no longer has to hit? I think you should probably get to therapy. The prior conversations and compromises you have reached don't seem to be doing the trick. NTA.