'AITA for removing myself and MY family from all future family gatherings?'
"AITA for removing myself and MY family from all future family gatherings?"
iichance22
I, 35F have removed my family (my partner, my son is 7, three step kids are 8,10,13) from any holiday gatherings. It all started last year 2023 during Easter. My aunt who is usually the one who throws all of our holiday gatherings, text the group chat asking what time we should get together at her house the next day for Easter.
I replied to the text and said if it is before 1pm we will ALL be able to attend (My partner shares his kids with their mother on these types of holidays and was going to drop them off to her around one or two).
She sent me a text SEPARATELY and asked what I meant by the “ALL” in the text. I replied to her, letting her know that after 1pm or so, we would not have all of the kids. She then replied telling me that she actually only wanted MY son and my 2 nephews (my brothers boys) to be the only kids there.
I replied by saying “ok then we will not be attending at all, thank you.” She then has the nerve to ask “oh ok, but will (my son) still be able to come?” I replied, “no he will be with me and his siblings” and she never replied.
AITA for never speaking to her again after this? She has hurt me on such a level that I don’t know if I can ever come back from it. Those kids are mine also. Those kids are my son’s siblings.
The audacity to have a guest list and exclude my family?? I get that it’s a lot. There are 6 of us all together so maybe if it was a food issue she could have asked me to pitch in or bring some sort of potluck dish? They are just kids! What did she want me to tell them? “Hey we are going over to my families house for Easter, but you guys aren’t invited”???!
I haven’t had it in me to even tell my partner. Anytime a holiday passes and he asks if we are going over to my families house, I always tell him “no, they aren’t really doing anything” because I don’t have it in me to tell him that his kids were excluded.
I don’t want him to feel sad or hurt or bad because of my aunt and her disgusting behavior. We have been together for three years and I love his babies as if they were my own and my son sees them as his siblings and I don’t want to be anywhere where we aren’t accepted as a unit.
It’s been well over a year and she only reached out 2 times not even apologizing! It was a “hey thinking of you love you” text. Like if she didn’t even think she did anything wrong??
Am I overly upset about this situation? Maybe I am? If she can’t even see the wrong in it then am I the one being too sensitive? Or do I have the right to be upset? These are all questions and feelings I’ve been dealing with for this long.
And I get that maybe I should reach out to her and let her know but I am very stubborn and I’m waiting for a damn apology from her. I’ve also heard through the grapevine that she really doesn’t see the issue and that she should be able to plan her gatherings how she wants. Yuck.
Here were the top rated comments from readers in response to the OP's post:
slap-a-frap
NTA - for not wanting to go to the events but you are TAH for lying to your husband about what's really going on. I don’t have it in me to tell him that his kids were excluded.
I don’t want him to feel sad or hurt or bad because of my aunt and her disgusting behavior.This isn't for you to decide for him at all. This is you overthinking it. You need to tell your husband the truth. At the end of the day, they are his kids.
Pollythepony1993
Agreed. Plus then you can be one united front. When he is in the dark he cannot back her up and OP cannot back him up.
iichance22 (OP)
I agree. It’s not up to me to decide how he feels about.
corgihuntress
I think that you are NTA. But I do think it's worth having a conversation with your aunt and parents about the fact that you are now a unit. Even if you are not married, even if you have not adopted the children, they are yours. You will not now or ever separate them from any holiday gatherings and the family needs to accept that they are all your family.
Snurgisdr
While this is a really big issue to you, it sounds like you have not really communicated that and it’s entirely possible that she doesn’t even know you’re mad, much less why you’re mad.
Firm-Molasses-4913
NTA Of course you have the right to feel upset. But staying quiet hasn’t moved the situation forward or given your aunt an opening to rectify the situation. She reached out to you twice. Instead of second guessing what she’s thinking or how she might react why don’t you explain the problem?
Tell her you love your husband’s children as your own and the 4 children are being raised as siblings. You were shocked by her Easter invitation and opted out. You would welcome invitations that include the whole family. She can figure out what “whole” means.
Don’t second guess her motives or reactions or who has the right to invite who. You have nothing to lose and your husband doesn’t know any of the background. You could have a lot to gain.
Xavasia
NTA. Your sister is a narcisstic spoiled brat. Not only would I ban her from the wedding but I would make sure I had friends waiting to intercept her when she shows up, like you know she will.
This is your day, not your parents, not your extended families, most definitely not your sisters, It's YOURS and yours alone. The only people who should be there are those that bring you joy and are genuinely happy for you.