'AITA if I report my (soon-to-be-ex) husband's adultery to his Chain of Command?' UPDATED

"WIBTA if I report my (soon to be ex)husband to his Chain of Command?"

Me (22F) and my husband (24M) got married last year. My husband is in the military, and when we got married in March we were aware that he was about to be sent on his first deployment in October.

Some backstory: After we got married a few red flags came out. When we first met, I was aware that his previous relationship ended pretty badly. He was unfaithful but made it seem like a one night stand that he regretted and came clean about right away, maybe a drunken mistake.

After we got married and was literally packing up our stuff to move into our house on base, it came out that when he was unfaitful he kept it secret from her for about a year - that was new information that made me really uncomfortable, but it seemed like he had learned from his mistakes as he was pretty ashamed so I let it go, because what can I do at that point.

Fast forward to deployment. He was gonna be gone for 6 months, and I kinda had a bad gut feeling when he left, and felt anxious that we might not make it through. His past was in the back of my head, but I trusted him. Things were hard in the beginning but we eased into it. I noticed he started drinking a lot, as he said the only thing to do out there after work was to go to the bar.

He became close friends with some people, one guy in particular (lets call him Frank) and he would go to the bar with them every night. It became pretty frustrating sometimes because my husband would often kind of ghost me when he was out with the guys, and text me when he was on his way back to the dorms about to go to bed anyways.

And this on top of the time difference between the US and the Middle East, it was pretty frustrating that we didn’t get to talk much. This was unusual compared to what he usually did when he would go out with friends, as he would usually check in once in a while.

During the deployment he struggled with homesickness and some depression and anxiety, which was new for him. He would tell me every day how much he loved me and missed me and that he wanted to come home. We planned and booked trips for the summer since he was gonna come home in April, and things were overall good in our relationship.

Fast forward to April: I’m estatic and have gotten myself and the house ready for his homecoming. We reunite, my heart feels so full again, and seeing how our dog reacted to seeing her dad after 6 months was unreal. His parents come out for the weekend to spend time with us and all is well in the world again.

However, when his parents leave and things have calmed down, we sit at the dinner table and he admits to having an affair. From new years eve to right around our anniversary in February, he was seeing someone else. He said they slept together twice and he would go to the bar with her every night when he told me he was going to the bar with Frank.

New years eve hurt especially, because he texted me «Happy New years baby, i’ll call you in 10, i’m at the bar with the guys». He never called. He texted me the morning after when he was at work and pretended like nothing, and when i told him I was upset he never called, he said «im sorry babe, i went back to the dorms to call you and i fell asleep». He went back with her.

I’m heartbroken. He spent 1 month with her and admitted to eventually getting feelings for her until he broke it off right before our anniversary due to feeling guilty. For 4 months until he came back home, he was lying to me. He sent me beautiful roses for valentines day, always told me how much he loved me, and planned vacations with me, all while living this seperate life on the side.

He told Frank about it and Frank said to take it to the grave. He said cheating on me gave him all this anxiety (boohoo) because he was scared he’d be seen by leadership out there and get in trouble, and he was nervous about what I would do (For those who don’t know, it is illegal to cheat on your spouse in the military). He also said he just feels guilty and bad because he knows I didn’t deserve this.

Now this is where I’m torn. He has admitted to a lot of things lately, including things about his last relationships. His girlfriend before me; turns out he cheated throughout the entire relationship with different girls for years, and she still doesnt know. She only knows about the last girl towards the end of the relationship because the girl DM’d her.

He has also cheated in every past relationship he’s ever had and they don’t know. The girl over deployment had no idea that I existed. I clearly deserve better than him; I took care of the house and our dog, sent him care packages, went on trips with his family and spent long nights talking to him about his homesickness and feeling down, all while I was in school full time and worked.

Do I report him to his chain of command for adultery? The penalty could be anywhere between a slap on the wrist to being discharged from the military. I don’t know if it would make me feel better, and I don’t even know if it would be the way for him to learn that what he’s doing isnt okay.

When I asked if he thought he would ever be able to stay faithful to his significant other, he said «i would like to think so, and i though i would be faithful to you, but at this point i dont know».

When I asked why he did it knowing it’s against military law and he was risking his career if he was seen, he just said he was selfish. He said he was gonna go to therapy but I have seen no proof of that happening. Any advice or personal experiences related to this is appreciated.

What do you think? AITA?

ambiguouslaurels said:

I’m so sorry girl. I was also married to someone in the military at 22, and we divorced at 23 after he cheated on me. You absolutely do deserve better. I know you’re heartbroken now but the good news is you’re young and can start over. I promise when you’re 30s like me it’ll almost seem like a memory from another life.

Here’s my two cents. When I filed for divorce, my ex husband got nasty. He said he wasn’t going to sign the papers or pay for the divorce, was keeping our joint tax return and money, and got a little obsessive with harassing me. So..I asked him if he wanted to do things nicely..or if I should have a chat with his CO. I got the whole tax return, a swift divorce and he left me alone.

It never hurts to have a trump card. I didn’t think my ex would get nasty like that, then again, I didn’t think he’d cheat on me either. I ended up deciding not to move forward with going to the military, but wouldn’t blame you one bit if you did! Maybe even tell him you’d be willing to work things out if he wrote a letter admitting to the cheating, for insurance, and then dump his ass anyway. You got this :)

Dry_Ask5493 said:

Considering the high statistics for infidelity in the military I’m not surprised he cheated, especially since he has a history of it. Divorce him and move on. Report him if you want but don’t hang your hat on much happening to him.

templarsaint said:

In the military the infraction is called “alienation of affection” and it it punishable under the UCMJ. I’m a former first sergeant and have dealt with this very issue on more than one occasion. Sorry for your troubles but learn from this moving forward.

OP responded:

When dealing with this, what would the punishment be? I feel tricked in this whole thing, and as bad as it may sound, a part of me want to «get back at him» for how he treated me, as well as his previous girlfriends.

And templarsaint responded:

At best it could be loss of an amount of pay and possibly a reduction in rank. At worst, think history of cheating etc, it could be a general discharge due to incompatibility with the military. Check with a military lawyer/ JAG. Hope this helps.

--- UPDATE: ---

Hi all. I really appreciate everyones time and concern. Some people were asking for an update, so I figured I'd do one here. I do want to add that yes, we are separating. Some people were commenting that they don't think I should stay with him and not excuse his actions, and that was never the plan - I am leaving his a$$.

Some people said I should have known this was gonna happen due to his past and that I was ignorant thinking he wouldn't do it to me, but I would like to mention that once I found out originally, we were already in a serious relationship and I found it hard to leave someone solely based off of their last relationship - I just had to take his word for it, and I can't change that now.

I believe that there are people who have cheated (learned and wont do it again), and then there's cheaters. Come to find out, he is just a good ol' cheater. A surprising amount of you, I almost want to say majority of you, said to report him.

Although it is extremely tempting, I have decided to just let it go. I have it as my trump card like one of the top commenters recommended if shit really hits the fan or if he starts getting nasty. He said I should be thankful that he told me considering he could have just kept it to himself, but he figured it's "the least he could do". What a hero. At this point, indifference is the best revenge.

I'll move on and find someone who treats me the way I deserve, and for him I wouldn't be surprised if history repeated itself, especially because he wants to pursue a career in flying with the military, meaning he will be gone a lot. I am definitely dodging a bullet.

I hope he straightens his act for the next girl that comes around. He states he doesn't know why he does this to the people he loves, and he seems to have some remorse. His parents are pushing for him to get therapy and he said he is looking into it, but we'll see if that actually happens. Regardless, he is none of my concern anymore.

We have agreed to do a legal separation so that I can keep healthcare benefits, and he'll be able to keep the extra $400 from BAH for having a dependent under him (This sucks as he does not deserve it lmfao but for keeping healthcare, it's worth it). For those of you that said to tell his parents/friends, I already did. His family is devastated.

Everyone agrees that he just needs to grow the hell up (his mom's words, not mine). I just graduated college and got a job offer that allows me to work from anywhere in the US so I'm looking into moving (We currently live in one of the most expensive states/cities in the nation, and living alone here would be close to living paycheck to paycheck for me).

I think a fresh start somewhere else could be good, and not having to worry about the added expense of healthcare is nice while I get settled somewhere new. We'll turn the legal separation into a divorce later down the road. Oh and don't worry; I am taking the dog. :) Thanks all.