'AITA for requesting a doctor that is more fluent in my language?' UPDATED

"AITA for requesting a doctor that is more fluent in my language?"

I'm on mobile so excuse my formatting. Also I'm not a native English speaker. Important background info: I'm autistic and have ADHD. Due this I have some problems with auditory processing aka I hear just fine, sometimes my brain just refuses to process the information. It feels like you've being spoken to in a language that you didn't speak.

My APD (Auditory processing disorder) acts up more with certain ways of speaking. E. g. stuttering or unusual speaking rhythm are very hard for me to understand. The problem arised when I got a new psychiatrist. He is not native to my country, which I do not have a problem with, but he doesn't speak my native language very well.

I've seen him once now and it was a disaster. I understood maybe half of what he was saying. My brain just short circuited and the whole time I felt like an idiot asking 'sorry could you repeat slower' and 'could I get that in writing' the whole hour. We got nothing done and it left me almost crying and having trouble speaking myself (ASD messing with my whole language processing.

I went straight to reception and told the lady "I would like to request a new Dr." She asked me why and I told her that I couldn't understand the one that I'd been given. She checks my info and just huffs. She in a very cold tone says "I can understand him just fine. We don't let patients pick their doctors on racial bias."

I am just shocked. I didn't even consider him being not-white (this is a very white country I might add).

I'm already really anxious so I start crying and say that I just can't continue seeing him over and over again.

People are looking at us, I can't help it and the lady is getting more annoyed with me. She says there's nothing she can do for me and that it's very AH move of me to make such a scene and that she won't be helping me any more (She did not use those words, but I can't remember what she said exactly)

I went to a bathroom to finish my crying and called my mom. She agreed that I should get transferred to another dr but that it's my fault for not being clear on my reasons. I later got an email from my dr that he is sad that I feel like I can't work with 'someone like him' but at this moment I could not be transferred. He expressed that I had hurt him and that I was in the wrong. I'm wondering if I really am the AH.

The internet had a lot to say in response.

StartingAgain2020 wrote:

NTA. The hard part is that you were very clear in your post here but it sounds like you didn't tell the receptionist why you wanted a new doctor. It is perfectly reasonable to want one that you can communicate with directly without having interference with your language processing.

The receptionist sounds like a dolt that made an assumption that you were asking for an entirely different reason. Find someone else at the medical office that you can communicate with and make sure they know why.

OP responded:

I later came to conclusion that since she can't see my diagnoses and I was already very overwhelmed by the visit I might have sounded angry or something similiar. Maybe my tone was wrong and I didn't tell her properly that I could not understand my doctor not that I didn't like the way he speaks.

I don't really know. I have hard time recognizing how tones and emphasis changes the way your sentence sounds like, but she couldn't have known all of this. So maybe I was really being racist from her perspective.

[deleted] wrote:

NTA but if you can’t get a new doctor right now, just try to work with the one you have. I usually ask people to repeat, slow down, or just write it down because I’m not “getting” it. He’s a doctor who knows your diagnosis so he should be willing to work with you until you can move to a different doctor.

OP responded:

I tried all of my usual strategies with him aka writing, slowing down, having him repeat one sentence at a time and even using support signs (that I haven't needed in years in my normal life) but I don't think he had read my chart properly or just didn't understand what my problem really was.

We were only supposed to go through my medication, blood results and make a doctor's testimonial for my uni as my pshycologist and therapist take care of everything else. It was still almost impossible since he was unclear on what he didn't understand from me and I couldn't adapt to his speech at all.

[deleted] responded:

After all of that, he doesn’t understand why you can’t work with him? Wow, I’m so sorry.

OP responded:

I think the language barrier went both directions. Plus I was getting overwhelmed and my own speech must have not been so clear either (I tend to have hard to with speaking when I get overwhelmed or stressed). I think this might have been a misunderstanding the whole way through and we arr just unusually horrible fit as patient and dr. I think he will understand when I write him with a proper explanation.

BlueJFisher wrote:

NAH, but you should have been clear when you asked to switch. It would absolutely have sounded to this woman like his race was a factor, and you did nothing to contradict that. A simple ‘I have APD and require a dr who has as little an accent as possible’ would have made things clearer. It’s not this lady’s fault for assuming the most obvious thing.

OP responded:

After I had calmed down I thought anout this (and my mom said this as well) but I can't help feeling like she was unreasonably mean to me. I was already visibly upset and almost crying when I went to the reception.

And what I said if translated more like word to word was "I can not understand my doctor's way of speaking" I don't think I was being rude, but I can't be sure as I'm not good at recognizing those kind of tones etc. I'll propably email my doctor to explain since he is a specialist in my conditions and will maybe understand better.

BlueJFisher responded:

I think the biggest issue for you here is that you went to speak to the receptionist already upset. If all the receptionist had to do was insinuate there was a racist motive for you to start crying and become unable to have a conversation, you were too upset to be having that conversation at that time.

Next time something like this happens, I’d really suggest taking the time to calm and ground yourself before having to have a difficult conversation. I can’t be mad at the receptionist - in this situation, 9 times out of 10 the person is just racist. Complaining about accents goes up exponentially when the person isn’t white, in case you don’t know.

That’s a common thing. So I can’t blame her for assuming that, esp considering you were unable to refute it.

Emailing the doctor is a good idea - you’ll be able to explain abt your APD more clearly and he should understand. Best of luck for getting a new doctor.

OP responded:

I think I understand her pov better now. At the moment I couldn't think clearly and just wanted to have a new doctor so that I wouldn't need to experience this again. A lot went wrong with this on my side as well. I probably should have disclosed my autism so that she would have understood me better.

I still felt really bad after the whole thing as I didn't understand at all why things happened they way they did. Also her suggestion of racial bias wasn't what made me cry. It was the denial of my request.

It's hard to explain but sometimes my emotions are a little too 'big' for the situation so her 'no' became 'you are stuck with this doctor and every time I need new meds etc I will have to go through this again and I can't do it' which was the last straw in that moment.

I don't really know anything about how usual that kind of racism is. As said my country if extremely white so it's probably bad, but something like that didn't really cross my mind before this. If it is usual for such a thing happen then I get her reaction a little better.

Over two weeks later, OP shared an update.

I must start with thanking everyone for commenting. It made me feel so much better that the people here had the patience to explain what might have gone wrong and give advice as I really had hard time figuring the whole thing out.

I e-mailed my dr. the next day and explained the situation. In short I told how my APD makes it hard for me to understand him and that I was really overwhelmed after my visit so I couldn't explain myself properly. I also expressed that it made me feel awful that I had been put in that position and that his feelings had also been hurt as a result.

Luckily the dr. was really understanding in his reply and apologized in behalf of himself and the receptionist. He then went on to agree that my reasons are indeed valid and that we were not a good dr-patient match. He said he will work everything out and apologized once more.

I'm glad to say everything was resolved and I even received an apology card from the receptionist! And my new dr. is a very nice lady whom understands me and my problems extremely well. I decided not to escalate as everything worked out in the end and all offending sides were sincerely sorry. Thanks to everyone who commented and helped me figure this out!

The internet was glad to hear an update.

beanomly wrote:

I’m so glad to hear that things worked out. I didn’t see your original post when you first posted it, but reading it now, I could feel your pain coming through your words. It does sound like it was just a horrible misunderstanding and I’m glad your new therapist is someone who understands you. Best of luck to you in the future!

OP responded:

Thank you! It really was just a huge misunderstanding all around. Even worse than to usual misunderstandings that happen with me.

[deleted] wrote:

Accents are hard man. Especially when you first meet someone. I had an advanced maths teacher from years 8-10. (awesome lady, she could explain a single maths concept in multiple ways so everyone was guaranteed to understand it. She was very kind and patient too) When I first met her I could not understand what she was saying.

(She grew up in India and her native language was Hindi but she was fluent in English) I felt so so bad that I couldn't understand her. Fortunately, after having her class for a couple of weeks I could understand her perfectly.

The more you talk and listen to the person with the accent the better you will understand them until it is like the accent is not there. I can totally understand why you asked to change doctors as you likely will not see them often enough to grow used to the accent.

OP responded:

Sometimes I get used to a way of speaking after a while, but usually my brain doesn't work like that. I have trouble with certain patterns of speech that coupled with accents make it very hard for me to understand.

It's not something my brain learns by itself and gets used to. I can compensate in other ways (ie. support signs, written communication) but it takes time and effort that would have been away from discussing my actual treatment.

the_unknown_df wrote:

I just read both posts. Its strange that the receptionist looked at your records (where your APD should be noted) and tried to make it about race vs needs. It sounds like the receptionist has either dealt with racial bias lately and assumed it was your complaint or she didn't notice the APD diagnosis.

However you have worked things out so hopefully they will either note your APD more prominent in your records or she will look a little more closely to ensure that the client is cared for properly. Glad you stood up for yourself and made it clear once you were better able to communicate with them. Have a wonderful day.

OP responded:

In my country receptionists cannot see your medical records. Even doctors need a permission before accessing any records that aren't strictly relevant to your current complaint.

Although she did she who I was visiting and maybe could have drawn conclusions. My dr is a ADHD and ASD specialist and all his patients are neurodiverse. I'm not sure if my records have a 'trouble communicating' sign on them, but I need to ask them to put one up if possible since that would help me a great deal.