'AITA for requesting my mother find a different dress for my wedding?' 'She is being very passive aggressive.'

"AITA for requesting my mother find a different dress for my wedding?"

Some context: I am getting married next June 2025, and I thought it would be nice for immediate family to have a color to wear, just so pictures look coordinated. I’ve asked my mom and future MIL to wear a sort of terracotta/rust red color.

I told them they can pick the dress, or can have a pattern, be any length, it doesn’t even have to exactly match the color swatch I showed them - I don’t care, just wanted everything to look cohesive in a red hue.

I thought this was pretty straight forward, but my mom keeps sending me tons of dresses she’s looking at to ensure they are the right color. Each time I tell her that as long as it’s a reddish color, it’s totally fine, just to let me know what she ends up picking. She sent me a picture this morning (red dress with white top).

And then called me to say this was the dress she was going to go with as long as the color was right. I told her the color was fine, but I would prefer that she didn’t wear a dress with white. She seemed to take this well, she only had a couple comments like “well I thought it was pretty” & “there aren’t very many options."

Now cut to this afternoon, I am talking again with my mom and she starts talking about the dress color again, saying she’s very confused with the color I’m asking her to find. I told her again that I thought any red-hue color would be perfectly fine, it wasn’t a huge deal.

She then told me that she really liked the dress she showed me earlier with the white because it broke up the dress. She said she felt like she needed the white top or else she would look like a “menstrual cycle." I was a little taken aback that she was comparing the color to a period.

Anyway I told her that I thought it would be nice if only I was wearing white, and that if she wanted to find a dress with a pattern that was fine, to break it up a little, but I would prefer that she didn’t wear white.

She came back telling me that it’s okay to wear white as long as it’s not a lot, like a white shirt with a skirt would be okay - I told her again that I would prefer that she didn’t wear white.

She is now upset with me and being very passive aggressive. Am I the ahole for not wanting her to wear white? Even if it’s just the top of the dress? I feel like there are thousands of red dresses online to choose from, it shouldn’t be hard to find one that is red and doesn’t make you look like a period stain.

I’m feeling upset with her, but maybe the not wearing white to someone’s wedding is outdated and I should let it go? Please help.

EDITS:

Edit: I just want to add that my MIL suggested that we pick a color for them to wear - she’s an event planner and said it would make the family photos look very cohesive. Also I am not worried at all about my mom looking like a bride or upstaging me. I just was thinking about the photos where we’re all standing right next to each other.

Edit: I see all of the comments saying it’s bad taste to request MOB & MOG to wear specific colors. So I texted my mom and future MIL that they can wear whatever color they’d like. My mom says she’s gonna stay with the red, so she must like it?

Edit: TLDR I am the ahole. I’m starting to think requiring my guests to wear tap shoes and top hats was a bad idea too.

Here's what top commenters had to say about this one:

andromache97 said:

ngl, no one is gonna mistake that for a wedding dress. I think you're overreacting a bit to this specific outfit. men are gonna wear white shirts with their suits. slight yta. I also think a color scheme for family members is overkill unless they're in the wedding party.

Ok_Conversation9750 said:

Well, I don't want to say YTA, but I do think you're taking the whole "only the bride gets to wear anything white" thing a bit (ok a lot) too far. Pretty much any dress with a pattern is going to have a background, right? And often times, that background will be white.

Some white, IMO is perfectly acceptable. Also, the link you provided even refers to the dress as a mother of the bride dress. So there's a smidgen of white on top - no one is going to clutch their pearls and faint at such a small amount in an otherwise red dress. Lighten up. It's a very nice dress.

elsie78 said:

YTA. The dress she chose is beautiful and in no way will that amount of white get her mistaken for the bride, or have her upstage you.

EconomyReference3193 said:

YTA. In no way is this remotely going to be considered a white dress. Also, stop telling people outside of the actual bridal party how to dress and what to wear and you would have avoided this all together.

gtwl214 said:

It’s an appropriate MOB dress that falls into the red hue scheme. You’re overthinking the no white rule. YTA.

barbiegirlshelby said:

YTA the dress is fine.