'AITA for resenting my dad because of his new family, saying my stepdad is a better dad than him?' Updated 2X
"AITA for resenting my dad because of his new family and for seeing my stepfather as a better dad than him?"
GeorgeOrwell_Gurl
When I was younger I had a very good relationship with my dad. My parents divorced when I was a infant, but I spent weekdays with my mom and weekends with my dad.
My dad and I were like best friends, and we had a simple routine every weekend where we'd get five Redbox movies to finish during the weekend, we'd go fishing, we'd play soccer, and we'd bike to this little secret playground near the zoo.
Something else I was used to was my dad always having new girlfriends that never lasted more than two weeks. The only one who lasted longer (a woman I really liked who lasted two years) left my dad when I was ten.
But my relationship with my dad was the same as ever until I was twelve and my dad met his now wife. This woman has two kids, one older and one younger than me. They moved into my dad's apartment after only two weeks.
My room was already small, but my tiny mattress and three small plastic drawers were shoved into the corner of the room to make space for the daughters' bunk bed and dresser.
Before I knew it, they started putting my bed in a closet until I came to visit and often would forget to take it out at all. When my dad moved into a bigger house, the older sister got her own room while I had to share one with the younger sister every weekend. The three small drawers I had were soon just one drawer because the little sister wanted the other two for her toys.
Slowly, I started visiting my dad less and less. Then everything went especially wrong when my dad got his girlfriend pregnant after one year. They got married and I didn't know that for a whole month because he didn't even tell me.
I also didn't know my baby half-sister was born until weeks after she came home from the hospital. To make his new family happy, he started spoiling them and stopped paying child support for me and my mom.
His wife is a jobless gold-digger who only cooks and cleans and shops, her older daughter is having her college paid for by my dad, and the younger daughter is the definition of a 10-year-old Sephora kid. As for my half-sister, she is still a toddler but is clearly spoiled and hates the word "No". The routine I used to have with my dad is now dead.
As for my stepdad, he's been with my mom since I was five. Apparently (though I don't remember it) I once called him "Dad" and because of that my dad told me I shouldn't love than man like a dad because he's not really my father.
Apparently, that's why I started acting like I hated my stepdad. I never knew why I felt that way about him since he'd never been anything but good to me, and in the last few years I've felt much closer to him. He feels like the dad that my birth-father should try to be.
Over time, my dad has started to treat me differently. He rants to me about his political beliefs and conspiracy theories about aliens and stuff. He also brags about his new business and his new family, and if I ever try to share anything with him he gets annoyed and shuts me up before continuing with his stories.
It's like now he sees me as a buddy rather than his freaking daughter. Also, it was during these last few years that I learned the reason he and my mom divorced was not because they weren't right for each other but rather because my father cheated on my mom while visiting his family in Canada.
I am now fifteen, and I have become a completely different person than the one my birth-dad remembers. I no longer love the beach or soccer and I now love music and reading and writing.
I have written and published two books since 2022, and am writing the third in my series. My stepdad supports my dreams and loves me so much that he brags about me to friends and family and calls me his daughter.
My stepdad has an actual daughter who I love like a real sister, though she lives up north with her boyfriend and I don't see her often. Still, though, I love them more than I love my birth-dad and half-sister who I'm actually related to.
My dad blames me for never calling, though because of how he's treated me lately I don't feel like I owe it to him. I also go months at a time without visiting him now because I no longer feel comfortable at that house. Especially since the bed I sleep on over there is literally considered as their "guest bed". In my birth-dad's house, I am a guest. Because of all of this, I resent my dad.
I haven't told anyone about this so no one is calling me a jerk, but I'm wondering if I am because my dad is in love with his new family and I'm wondering if it's a bad thing I'm not happy for him. Am I the jerk?
Here were the top rated comments from readers after the OP's initial post:
JustAnotherSaddy
Your dad failed you. He’s the only reason why you don’t have a relationship with him. Glad your step dad is good to you. Hope your calling him dad now.
The_Balaram
Absolutely NOT the jerk. Your father failed on his only task of being exactly THAT, a FATHER, so you are on your right to cut any connection you want with him.
Creative_Pair_2363
You are not the jerk your stepfather did everything that your dad did not do if anyone is the jerk it's your father.
Three months later, the OP returned with an update.
"UPDATE -- AITA for resenting my dad because of his new family and for seeing my stepfather as a better dad than him?"
GeorgeOrwell_Gurl
Hello. So, I made a post a few months ago talking about how my dad has basically stopped treating me like his daughter now that he has a new family. Not much has happened since, but here's an update anyway. So, since I made the initial post, I've only visited my dad's house once and, safe to say, I truly am nothing more than an uncomfortable guest in that house.
I should start off by saying that every time I spend a few months without going to his house, my dad tries to play all innocent and calls me on Fridays to ask when he should pick me up. I never answer because he always calls me when I'm in a class or busy with studying, so he'll call my mom.
But because he never asks me in advance, I tend to have plans on weekends with my cousins, friends, or just to work on writing since I am still working on my third book and it takes a lot of focus that I can't get in his house. Actually, I'm now just gonna call him Eric. He's honestly not been as much of a "dad" figure to me as my stepdad has.
Anyway, it was my mom who had decided I would go over to his house. Despite the fact that Eric hasn't paid child support in over 2 years now and I hate going to his house, my mom says I should just visit from time to time to keep him from getting the court involved.
She confuses me, sometimes saying that he's a deadbeat man, but also sometimes saying that he's my loving dad who deserves my respect. However, under the circumstances, I'm fairly certain that nothing would be any different since I never visit him and he doesn't pay child support anyway.
In fact, once on Christmas, he bought a bunch of new gifts for his family and wrapped them up and everything, but weeks before Christmas when I was visiting, he drove to Walmart so his wife could do groceries and he handed me $200 and said, "Merry Christmas. Buy yourself something and the rest can be child support or whatever."
I bought two books, but the rest of the money that was supposedly 'child support' was nothing near to the amount he owed. I have told my mom I would be happier if he lost custody of me and my stepdad adopted me, but she thinks that's too extreme and says, "He's still your dad. He deserves your respect and love".
Now, about the weekend I visited him, from the minute Eric picked me up, all he talked about was his new family. He talked about the older sister and her boyfriend, the younger sister and the shopping she does, and the my half-sister who can now talk a little bit.
I stayed silent the whole ride until he asked me a question about my school, and when I answered his question he got frustrated and went into a conspiracy theory rant. I tuned him out for the rest of the drive after that. The rest of the weekend wasn't any better.
The older sister did what she always does when I visit and locked herself in her room, only coming out when I left the house or when I was in the bathroom so she wouldn't have to talk to me. And the younger sister had a friend of hers over and her friend had her stuff tossed on my bed and was sitting on it because it's the bed she sleeps in when she has sleepovers.
Eric's wife did a poor job of hiding how bothered she was by me visiting. More than once, she has been completely shocked I was visiting because Eric didn't tell her so she couldn't disagree.
And also, most of the weekend consisted of Eric taking me and my half-sister to a playground so she could run around with her friends, and I sat on a bench to read but I didn't have much time to myself since Eric kept leaving and told me to keep an eye on my half-sister who is a wild and fussy kid.
I am not a babysitter, and while I am good with kids, that does not mean I enjoy putting my own time aside to look after them when they're not my responsibility. I had to spend two days in either pure chaos or discomfort, and I had a talk with my mom about me not wanting to go over there anymore.
She said that's fine and she won't force me to go anymore, but since she's said that before, I don't believe her. I don't have anyone to really talk to about this, and this whole situation is stressing me out because I don't remember my dad ever being as happy as he is now, and I still sometimes feel like I should be happy for him.
I don't know what to do, and any advice on anything I could do would be helpful. Everyone who's commented on my last post so far has said I'm not the jerk and that Eric isn't acting the way a dad should, but he still reaches out from time to time and says I'm his baby girl who he loves.
Honestly, I almost cry whenever he says that because it reminds me of how we used to be. Am I overthinking all of this or overreacting? What should I do? Am I the jerk here because I'm not happy for my dad?
Here were the top rated comments from readers after the OP's update:
CatchHefty5872
You should tell your mum the more she forces you to go to your dad's the more it's going to ruin your relationship with her as she's not listening to what you want and how you feel.
You should also tell her you no longer trust what she says as she has told you before that she will no longer force you into going but she does it anyway. If you can't talk to your mum, have a one on one chat with your stepdad and see if he can help when it comes to your mum.
ERVetSurgeon
NTA. Good for your stepdad for filling some of the void.
Auntienursey
You might want to have a chat with your mom. Tell her what you've shared with us and tell her you're no longer willing to put yourself into uncomfortable situations where you are treated as "less than", a burden and have to deal with being isolated and shunned.
I didn't catch your age, but you are very obviously intelligent and sensitive and do not deserve to be treated so poorly. And your mom is wrong to not want to go back to court because he'll be upset (too bad, so sad), and his feelings are no more important than yours.
You can also tell her he has obviously made his choice, and it's NOT YOU. I hope your mom will back off, and I'm sorry your dad's oblivious to what's going on, or worse, doesn't care.
Two days later, the OP returned with another update.
"UPDATE 2 -- AITA for resenting my dad because of his new family and for seeing my stepfather as a better dad than him?"
GeorgeOrwell_Gurl
Hello, everyone. It's only been a couple of days since my last post. Since then, I have taken the advice most of you have given me and I talked to my mom about how I don't want to keep being forced by her to visit Eric (my sperm donor, as most of you referred to him as).
Long story short, I'm not 100% sure she won't continue to send me over to Eric's house, but she did wind up sending him long texts, chewing him out for not treating me right and telling him to step up and pay his child support. He didn't answer her though, so I followed some other advice and wrote him a long text myself that detailed how I felt about his treatment of me the last few years.
The thing is, as soon as I sent that text, he called me to yell at me and called me spoiled and overdramatic. He said it's my fault we don't have a relationship since I never visit or talk to him anymore, and because I mentioned the unpaid child support, he said that I was only reaching out to him for money.
I nearly cried during that phone call and wound up just hanging up on him. He sent some angry texts to my mother as well. But later that day, he left a voicemail on my phone saying, "Money is kind of tight for me right now. I'm completely broke. You know I love you, right?"
The thing is that I know that's a lie because I'm always seeing my younger step-sister make Tik-Tok videos showing off the Sephora and other expensive crap he buys her all the time.
I think I'm done trying. And some of you suggested asking my stepdad for help. I wish I could, but when I asked my mom again if he could adopt me, she said something that absolutely crushed me.
Apparently, my stepdad himself said he doesn't feel like he should adopt me. My stepdad is a very kind and sympathetic man, but he's also extremely unconfrontational and thinks it would be like a slap in the face to Eric if he adopted me.
Also, because I noticed some confusion about this in the comments on my last update, the reason my parents divorced was because he cheated, but it wasn't with his current wife.
My parents split up when I was still basically an infant, and Eric lived in Canada where he jumped from girlfriend to girlfriend there before he moved down here and continued to jump from girlfriend to girlfriend. When I was 12, he met and knocked up his wife, Alejandra, and married her without telling me till a month after their courthouse wedding.
Also, some of you asked how old I am. I am fifteen. It feels ridiculous that I have this stress on me at my age, and I can't really talk to anyone about it. I can't talk to my stepdad because he's always working and I'm only ever with him when my mom is there too, and I don't like talking to her because she always tells me that I'm too young to really feel how I feel.
The last time I tried to discuss my mental health with my mom, I asked her if I could start going to therapy and she said that therapists are dumb and that I can just talk to her or pray to God if anything is wrong.
I'm not super religious, and talking to her about anything serious makes me deeply uncomfortable. It's not that I don't love her, since she is my mom after all, but she's pretty intense and intimidating.
My dad has not reached out to me again since his voicemail. Frankly, I don't want to even thing about him for a long while now If he suddenly realizes how badly he's screwed up with me and apologizes, then maybe I'll try to rebuild our relationship.
As for my stepdad, he may not want to adopt me, but he still calls me his daughter (never just his step-daughter) and I truly feel loved by him. I love his parents like they're my own grandparents, and his whole family is so warm and loving.
I might make another update if anything else happens, but for now I'm just going to focus on school and my books. Maybe now that I understand that Eric really doesn't care that much about me anymore, I can finally focus on finishing my third book. I dedicated my first book to him, and I honestly don't regret it. I dedicated that book to the dad he used to be.
It's not like he'll ever read that book since he doesn't think it's smart that I want to be a writer, but I don't care. I'm done. Thank you to everyone who gave me advice and told me I wasn't the jerk. I feel so much better with those reassurances. Thank you.
Here were the top rated comments from readers after the OP's second update:
Tiny_Dancer97
I'd reply that maybe he'd stop being broke if he wasn't spoiling his new family and ignoring his obligations to his actual daughter. And tell him that honestly he hasn't acted like my dad in years so let's just stop pretending and he can be happy with his replacements because I'm done being ignored and walked on by someone who obviously doesn't want me there.
Traditional-Panda-84
Bittersweet update. I'm sorry you have gone through this. My mother did similar to me: "You must have a relationship with your father." At least she didn't force me to visit when I no longer wanted to, but it was clear that I still had to maintain this relationship with someone I felt no connection to. My therapist calls it "the impossible task."
The parent who your younger self depended on for safety and security demands that you do something that you literally can't (force a bond where it's been severed or otherwise non-exisitent), and that triggers the need to do so in order to not be abandoned by the only parent you have. I know you have a few years yet, but I hope you are able to find the help you need.
JezzLandar
You say your 'father' sent you a text saying "you know I love you, don't you?". You should respond : No. No I don't know this at all. I know you say you do, but you have never shown me this love.
Love isn't just a word you can throw at me as you'd throw a bone to a dog. Love is a feeling of support and safety. It's a deep felt knowledge of total acceptance. It's the tissue when I cry, the back rub when I am sad or hurt.
It's that wink at a shared joke and the hug of joy and glorious celebration. That, daddy dear, is love. That is what I both expect and need from you. As things stand, you are a horrible disappointment and a terrible father.