'AITA for retaliating against one of my bullies for something he did to me, 26 years later?' MAJOR UPDATE

"AITA for retaliating against one of my bullies for something he repeatedly did to me - 26 years later?"

Okay, so this concerns me and a certain bully from a long time ago - I'll just name him "Slam." In 1997 and 1998, when I was 13 and 14 respectively, for utterly no reason other than the fact that I was the only half-Australian boy in my school (in the city of Ipoh, state of Perak, country of Malaysia), and didn't speak Mandarin fluently, everyone in my class, and the class 1 year senior to mine, decided to pick on me.

I was literally the living definition of "underdog" and outcast. Any type of bullying, you name it, I suffered it. Pinned to the ground and p#$ched? Got that. Water balloons on me out of nowhere? Truly well-versed in that kind of suffering. A fistful of chalk dust in my face? Yeah, nothing new.

Slam was, of course, one of my tormentors. He had a special bullying move of his own. Whenever we were playing basketball, none of the others bullied me on the court - except Slam. He made it his mission in life, when he got the basketball, to run to me, and throw the ball at my face as hard as he possibly could.

Sometimes I dodged the ball and got lucky. Other times, it left me with a very sore nose. Or watering eyes. Or a bleeding lip. Slam did this to me anywhere between 30 to 40 times over the two years of torment. And I never managed to get back at him then. It reduced me to tears quite a few times, getting a basketball to the face.

Now, I am 40 years of age. Slam, being senior to me, would be 41. As luck would have it, as I was perusing a sports goods store in one of my city's malls, I saw Slam. Working as the manager for that store. I know, "Be the bigger person", "put it all behind you", "let bygones be bygones", that's all excellent advice. But I couldn't help remembering how this person had made my life living hell in 1997 and 1998.

The fury and hurt of the past just bubbled up despite 26 years of time separating it. I walked up to him. Of course, he recognised me, and started acting all affable and friendly, asking me if there was anything I wanted. I calmly told him I'd like to see basketballs. Off he went and got a fine Spalding NBA ball for me.

Once it was in my hands, I calmly and clearly stated, "Hey Slam. This is for '97 and '98," and with all my strength and a hatred I didn't know still existed in me, I flung the ball at him. It caught him full-force in the face. To say he was shocked was the understatement of the year. I ran off as fast as I could and didn't stop until I got to my car.

I felt fulfilled - like I'd got back something I was owed after 26 long years. However, my mother calls me "vindictive and evil." My wife, meanwhile, chided me for "not being able to let go of the past." My aunt also said "holding on to grudges like that will only k#$l you faster." So, internet, please tell me - AITA?

The internet was quick to share their thoughts.

annang wrote:

It was a really, really stupid idea for you, as a grown adult, to commit a crime against him in a public place that likely has security cameras. Massively stupid.

mkins10 wrote:

I mean this is f#$king hilarious but not the best way to handle the situation. If you would have verbally confronted him, maybe he would have even apologized. We all did things we regret as kids.

OP responded:

Not sure if he would've apologised. Out of 23 tormentors...only 2 have ever apologised to me. One did so and even accompanied his apology with a gift - a bottle of red wine. The other just said his sorries, but I accepted it. The rest? The few times I bumped into them, they never seemed to recall that they were part of the group that rained hell down on me in 1997 and 1998.

KDLAlumni wrote:

Not sure about AH, but certainly childish and a bit of a b#$ch honestly. I mean, it'd have been one thing if you stood your ground and finished the confrontation, but you ran out of there like a frightened cat, so exactly what you proved to "Slam" is something you should ask yourself.

OP responded:

I admit, I probably should've stood there and took what was coming to me, and maybe even fight it out. But fight or flight response took me - and my brain decided on "flight." Cowardly? Now looking back at it, yes indeed. I agree with your response.

thebearofwisdom wrote:

I….don’t know if this is real, but I can’t say you’re an AH exactly. Maybe just needing a little more help. That said, I was bullied and I have had many a daydream about getting my revenge. I haven’t done it though. I just feel like you did a thing out of anger and it’s never a good thing to do things in that situation. Maybe I’m gunna say I withhold my verdict because I laughed but also violence bad.

OP responded:

This feels like one of the most balanced comments I've seen so far. And yes it's real, it just happened this evening. Yes...when I asked for the basketball, my anger was in full control of my mind. But I just wanted to throw that ball into his face and let him feel what I felt back in 1997 and 1998.

Nine months later, OP shared an update.

Alright, I know it's been almost a year, but I finally decided to go and resolve the situation. Opinions were divided on my original post. Some called me an AH for taking out my trauma for being bullied, so many years later. Others said while I was an AH, it was justified. Still others said, no excuses for b#$lying, my former bully who I named "Slam" in the post, deserved it.

Well, I decided to give the matter closure anyway. I decided to go and find Slam at the store, talk it out and resolve it earlier today.

I went to the store after lunch, and Slam was doing his rounds, inspecting the sports gear.

He looked surprised to see me, and I raised my hands and told him I wasn't coming to cause trouble, but I wanted to talk things out. I didn't mince my words, I started off with a direct apology. "I'm sorry for hitting you in the face with that basketball almost a year ago. I have no excuse, I was angry and let past anger just overwhelm me. I failed to control myself, it was my fault."

He shook his head and his response surprised me in turn, as he said, "I have no excuse also. I remember what I did back then, and I really was a jerk. One hit in the face, I think I got off easy."

Then the biggest shock of all - both of us laughed at that. Slam then said, "Look, come with me for a coffee. It's on me. I don't know how to patch up everything I did to you, me and the other guys, back then. But maybe we can have a coffee as a start?" I accepted.

We went to a café in the mall after Slam instructed the supervisor under him to take charge while he was away, and we talked. I showed him some pictures of my family, and he showed me pictures of his. He was glad to know I was in the tutoring industry, and even said that he might send his oldest child (6f) to me for tutoring.

We also found out we enjoyed some games in common - namely, Borderlands 2, Diablo 3 and DOOM 2016.

After the coffee he went back to his work and I headed to my car, on friendly terms.

So, yeah - nothing dramatic or surprising, but a dignified and polite resolution to the matter. I was finishing up preparing my tutoring notes tonight, and thought that I'd post this update, just in case anyone was wondering if the matter unfolded any further. Well, it's done and over with now, and I'm glad to say the shadows of my past have grown a little less dark now.

The internet continued to share their thoughts.

urkulAa wrote:

Yes for growth.

OP responded:

I'm not blind to disapproval of bad actions on my part, so I had to do what was necessary. I didn't like the humble approach, but it was the only approach.

MostlyHarmless55 wrote:

Best friendships I‘ve ever had started with a fight.

OP responded:

My closest friend, effectively like a brother to me now, first got on my nerves majorly by verbal trolling. Now it's infected me and verbal trolling is a key foundation of our brotherhood. 🤣

Ancient-Meal-5465 wrote:

Thank you. This was sweet. I didn’t get bullied much. I used to fight people bigger than me because I had a lot of trauma as a young child.

But there were a couple of people who tried. One was a tall ugly red headed girl who as an adult had to set up a gofundme to pay for a vet bill.

Another guy is clearly struggling with life and it looks like he lives in poverty now. There was a girl who tried to throw me push me over a balcony - but after that incident I never saw her again. Based on her demographic there is a high statistical probability she’s d**d. I don’t even remember her name.

FordWarrier wrote:

Intense bullying doesn’t go away and Slam and the others were relentless. Since Slam recognized you I didn’t figure he would retaliate but not 100% sure. I admire that you went back with the idea of owning up to your actions. You didn’t sugar coat it or make excuses, you told it like it was. I’m glad Slam felt the way he did and apologized to you. All in all a very nice outcome.