'AITA for returning my daughter’s Christmas present from her grandparents?'

"AITA for returning my daughter’s Christmas present from her grandparents?"

Or sending them a check for the cost? I (F47) am the single mom to my 12 year old daughter. We live on one coast, my parents live on the other. My relationship with them, particularly my mother, is difficult but so far they have been vastly better grandparents than parents.

My daughter is the only grandchild.

My mother asked what she wanted for Christmas so I threw out a bunch of ideas in a variety of price points including mentioning there was a new Nintendo switch.

Less than a week later my mother follows up to ask if kid would want one big gift or several smaller. Kid votes for one big gift. We coordinate behind the scenes on delivery and the package is hidden awaiting wrapping.

Yesterday in a normal phone call my mother decides to talk loudly about how she spent all her money on kids gift. Over and over again. Saying I should tell kid that she spent ALL her money, “because someone wanted a $500 gift."

While my parents are retired, they still receive 6 figures annually in pensions, own their home, travel frequently to expensive locales and spend the same amount grooming their dogs in a month than the switch two cost. Not to mention it was their CHOICE to buy that item out of the list provided. I never want my kid to feel the way I grew up feeling, and I am too old for the manipulation myself.

AITA if I either transfer the cost of the switch to their bank account OR just return it entirely to them? As a single mom paying for it would be a significant financial hit, but returning it would put a damper on the kid’s Christmas. She doesn’t know what she was getting but it would mean no grandparents gift this year.

Here's what people had to say to OP:

Ordinary-audience363 wrote:

Don't return the gift and don't pay them back. It sounds like your mom is the type who is never pleased anyway.

NTA.

OP responded:

One million percent true. Thank you for the reminder.

SnarkyBeanBroth wrote:

Option 3, rather than either of the ones you listed:

"Mom, I'm not going to tell my daughter something so inappropriate. I am going to give her the gift you sent and let her enjoy it. If you say anything to her about the cost, I will not allow you to send any gifts to her in the future."

"Your decision to buy a gift for her does not entitle you to try to make her feel guilty and bad about the gift. When you asked, I sent you a list of potential gifts at a variety of price points. If you can't afford a particular gift in the future without financial stress, don't buy that gift."

If you send it back or send them money, you are rewarding their manipulation (with drama, which is what they want).

You want to set hard boundaries not only how they are allowed to interact with your daughter, but how they are allowed to interact with you. It is not OK to be guilting YOU about choices THEY made, and the financial consequences of their (apparently financially ruinous) decision should fall on them - not you, not your daughter.

Especially since they could just skip a few brunches or take a shorter vacation to compensate. This isn't an actual financial crisis, so don't make it YOUR financial crisis. NTA. But don't play into their self-victimizing setup.

OP responded:

Wow. Thank you. I don’t want to play into their nonsense but it’s very very easy to get reactionary when there is a lengthy precedent.

alien_overlord_1001 wrote:

NTA. You can shut down your mother but don't disappoint your kid. Keep the switch. You know your mother is just blowing hot air. It doesn't sound like you will see them at Christmas - but make sure your daughter thanks them so much for the fabulous gift - maybe that will be enough to shut your mother up. No one made them buy this - they made that choice themselves.

OP responded:

We won’t be there this year, and kiddo will likely be blown away by their gift and effusive in her thanks. I think I will make sure I’m around for the call and keep it on speaker phone so my mother finds herself disconnected if she gets snarky.

julesk wrote:

If you don’t shut this down quickly, grandma will use this for years to guilt trip you both. I’d text your mom “I’m sorry you’re having financial issues. I see two options, 1) I can return it and I’ll explain to her that we had to return it because it cost too much.

If so, it will be a learning experience and I’ll tell her it’s best not to expect presents from you as you’re retired and it’s a hardship, or 2) get her something much smaller next time to make up for the excessive expense and I’ll tell her she got her big present last year. Which sounds best to you?”

IceRose81 wrote:

YTA if you return the gift but only because its your daughter that would ultimately be the one to be disappointed. If the gift had been for you, I would say to return it in a heartbeat.

What you can do is shut your mother down and tell her that this topic is no longer up for discussion and that if they even ATTEMPT to say anything along those lines to your daughter directly you'll cut contact.

You don't need to say anything to your kid about how grandma "spent all her money on kid's gift," that is NOT something that you should put on your child's shoulders. You're the parent and your job is to protect your child - but taking away a present from them isn't the way to do that. Just make sure that they send your parents a proper thank you note for their generous gift and leave it at that.

Wise-Matter9248 wrote:

"I'm sure she will be very grateful. Thank you for being so generous."

And then refuse to revisit the topic. There's no reason your kid should have to be disappointed because Grandma is being petty out of her own choosing.