'AITA for returning my wedding ring and keeping the cash for myself?' UPDATED 2X

"AITA for returning my wedding ring and taking the cash for myself?"

This took place many years ago (34F). A few days before my 22 birthday I got married to my husband (who was 8 years older than me). Our wedding was nothing fancy and cost around $500 for everything (the church, my dress, the cakes, photographer) and we invited maybe 50 people. We were not rich and I was working towards getting my teaching degree.

For some context - My wedding ring was my grandmother's wedding ring. She had stated the first granddaughter to get married got the ring. Technically, I was the second but my cousin had eloped and didn't want the ring. I absolutely loved her wedding ring and I was excited to have it be apart of me forever as we had unexpectedly lost my grandmother when I was 12.

My husband was terrible with money and at times I would have to hide money just to be able to ensure we could pay bills and buy groceries. For that reason (and many more) I refused to get a joint checking account. He had his own and I had my own. He also demanded we buy a nice wedding band for him, which I was okay with. I went and bought him the exact ring he had picked out.

A $450+ Black Tungsten wedding band from Kays. (Here is a link to one similar: https://www.kay.com/black-sapphire-wedding-band-black-tungsten-carbide-8mm/p/V-960823704)

Back to the story - On our wedding night my husband had gotten upset that, while he slept, I had gotten on Facebook to look at the photos people had posted of our wedding. Things escalated and he became aggressive. Unfortunately, I did not leave then. That's an entirely different story. For the next 5 months (from the wedding day to the day I left for good) I left 3 times because of his aggressive behavior.

At one point I had taken my wedding ring off and left it at my parents vacation home. No one else was supposed to be there for several months and I was only of the only other people besides my parents who had a keys to their vacation home. Well my husband gave his usual sweet talk "I'm so sorry" and "it'll never happen again" and I went back. {Insert face palm smash here and/or eye roll}.

I went back to my parents vacation home for my wedding ring but it was missing. My parents said they didn't know where it was but were (understandably) upset that it was missing. I felt bad and was confused because no one else knew it was there besides my parents nor was anyone else supposed to be there.

I had to go home and face my husband to tell him my ring was missing. He was upset and said if I hadn't "overreacted", wanting to leave him and then taking the ring off it wouldn't have gone missing. I felt so guilty because I was the one who left and the one who took it off only for it to have gone missing. (Yes, I did find out what happened to the ring and to this day I am still hurt but that's also another story).

He said he couldn't afford another one, remember he never bought a ring in the first place, and that it was my fault it was missing. I accepted the guilt and moved on. A few weeks later after coming home from work I was met with a surprise. My husband had bought be a beautiful ring. I instantly cried and told him I loved it. He smiled and proposed again.

I laughed and said "Yes, obviously". He put the ring on and handed me the box, receipt and my debit card. You read that right my husband took my debit card and went to buy me a ring. The best part? It was from Walmart. Now I am not above wearing jewelry from Walmart as I absolutely love their $5 - $10 earrings! I am, however, allergic to nickel and have to be very careful about the jewelry I wear.

He knew that and picked out a ring made of nickel. Not only did it turn my finger green but I also developed a rash. A little over a month later he got angry at me and flipped a coffee table on my foot. The next day I packed up what I could while he was at work and fled. He called me and told me I had to legally give him the ring back. The ring that was purchased with my debit card...

I went to Walmart and asked for a refund but it was after the 30 day return policy. The jewelry manager could tell I was upset and asked what was wrong. After explaining I was leaving my husband and telling her why, she did an override and gave me my money back. My husband was furious when he found out I had returned the ring and demanded that the money should go to him.

I laughed at him and hung up. That was the last time I spoke to him. So, AITA for returning the wedding ring my ex-husband used my debit card to purchase and keeping the money for myself?

What do you think? AITA? This is what commenters had to say:

xXMimixX2 said:

NTA. It was your money to begin with. And the entire marriage was a mistake. I'm glad you got out in the end. But what happened with the ring from your grandmother?

Quiet_Village_1425 said:

I bet he stole your grandma’s ring and sold it!! Divorce!

and Hammingbir said:

NTA. He was going to be upset no matter what you did. But a gift of a ring? Yours to do what you want. In this case, you were having the funds RETURNED to YOUR debit card. You notice he didn’t take off his ring and hand it back to you.

So you’re fully within your right to keep or sell the ring. And I’m betting 10 to 1, he found your original ring—broke into the vacation house and stole it so he had yet another reason to “get mad” at you.

OP later shared this first update:

Holy moly I was not expecting this to get as much attention as it did. I want to thank everyone for their comments and add some more context. During our marriage my husband's dad and stepmom were offering advice on how to save our marriage. Once I finally left for good I reached out to his stepmom, who I had thought I had built a good relationship with.

Boy was I mistaken. She told me never to talk to her son again, to give back the wedding ring (the one my debit card was used to purchase) and that if I ever reached out to her son she would have his dad harm me... I could not get away from that family quick enough! A few people asked how he found out that I had returned the ring.

The days/weeks after I moved out of our home he and his stepmom kept calling me on blocked numbers. Eventually my mom answered and it was his stepmom threatening to sue me for "stealing" the wedding ring and that I was a horrible B word for putting her baby boy through such heartbreak.

My mom laughed at her and reminder her that I could not steal the wedding ring when my own money was used to purchase it and that if my husband really wanted it back he could use his own money and purchase it again from Walmart. She then said that it was vile that she helped raise a man who felt justified in putting their hands on a woman.

Then she (my mom) hung up on her. The calls eventually stopped. I don't think I mentioned this before but the ring was only $35. Again, I am not above wearing cheaper jewelry, however, I am allergic to nickel to have to be careful.

**Now onto the actually part of the update I know you all are dying to read ~ What actually happened to my grandma's wedding ring? Going through the comments a few people guessed it right, however, it took me 3 years to find out the truth.

Between Thanksgiving and Christmas that year I had left (this was the last time I had left and then would go back). I went to stay at my parents vacation home because no one else was going to be there and my husband did not know where it was (he grew up in a different state and had recently moved here).

After contemplating my next move I took off the ring set (engagement ring and wedding band) and set them on the counter. A few days later I left, leaving the ring there because no one else was supposed to be there for several months.

Unbeknownst to me, my parents and my oldest stepsister ended up going to the vacation home a few weeks later to start remodels because they were wanting to put the house on the market that following spring. I have been told that my stepsister found the ring and gave it to my stepdad.

She was unaware that it was wedding ring as she and I were not close at this time and she figured it was one of my mom's rings that had been left behind. My stepdad proceeded to take it home and place it in their safe, supposedly without telling my mom for years. Regrettably, I accepted my husband's apologize and went back.

I asked my parents for my ring back. I was told it was not at the house and that no one knew where it was. Unbeknownst to them, I went to look for my ring and found the wedding band. I carried that band around with me for 3 years.

I listened to people tell me how upset they were to know my grandma's ring was missing and the guilt was horrible. It took me years to completely forgive everyone who knew where the ring was but would not tell me and allowed others to make me feel bad for "losing" it.

If you are still reading this, thank you. I know it's obvious that I am not the AH for returning the wedding ring and getting the money back. However, I have been with my current (amazing) boyfriend for nearly 3 years and I know he plans on proposing.

Knowing this brought and recent life events up these memories and I wanted to ensure that I was not in the wrong. You all are amazing for taking the time to read this in its entirety. Thank you again! ❤️

OP then shared a second update:

I apologize for any confusion my post has caused. This happened many years ago and I am still trying to make sense of it all. My grandmother's ring was a set; an engagement ring and a wedding band, but were not welded together. In early December that year I took the set off and placed it on the counter. After my husband and made up I went back for my ring and only found the wedding band.

I was devastated. For years I was heartbroken that the ring was forever gone, until 3 years later my mom admitted it had been in their safe the entire time. She said she went to put something in the safe one day and found the ring. When she questioned my stepdad about it he stated his daughter (my oldest stepsister) had found it on the counter and gave it to him.

My mom was glad that her mother's ring was not lost but mad that I was made to feel horrible for several years. As of today, the engagement ring and wedding band are with my parents in their safe. My mom stated she is saving it for my youngest sibling so they could give it to their future partner.

My boyfriend and I have been discussing marriage. He knows about this "situation" and is not happy about it. He said the ring should have been left where I placed it or at the very least my stepdad should have told me that he knew where it was. He was not ever going to propose with my grandma's ring but believes it is mine and I should have been allowed to keep it.

However, he understands that the ring is one of the last things my mom has of my grandma's and respects that I am not "fighting" my mom for the ring. For context our divorce was finalized a decade ago. Found out about the ring three years after that. I am still confused as to why they made me feel bad about losing the ring when it was in the safe all along. 🤷‍♀️

Commenters weighed in:

DBgirl83 said:

Did your mom know your ring was in her house? You were/are surrounded by toxic people. I hope you cut them all off and make sure your current bf hasn't shown any red flags, before you get serious about marrying.

OP responded:

My mom was the one who eventually admitted the ring was in the safe and she apologized. She said that she had not known for years that my stepdad had put the ring in the safe and she was mad when she found it in there.

My boyfriend is truly amazing. In the nearly 3 years we have been together he has been there to help me through some hard times. For example: one family member who we helped everytime they asked, suddenly turned on me without warning. The fallout was not pretty and took many months (and continued therapy) to work through.

He got close to this family member and was sad/shocked by the sudden flip. Unfortunately, it's something I had seen before but never had they done it to me. My boyfriend is my rock, my safe place, my everything. He knows everything I have been through and never pressures me into anything nor does he tell me to "get over it" (I had an ex tell me that).

He will lay with me in the rare occasions that I cry. He doesn't tell me to stop, instead he holds me and will comfort me. Growing up in toxicity taught me what love was not so when I met him I was pleasantly surprised.

And bino0526 said:

Congratulations on your new life. May your life be filled with joy, peace and lots, and lots of LOVE‼️❤️ Don't hang on to toxic people.