'AITA for revealing to my dad’s wife the real reason why me and him were never close?' UPDATED

"AITA for revealing to my dad’s wife the real reason why me and him were never close?"

My dad practically gave me up to his sister from the moment I (27M) was born. My mom passed when she was giving birth to me. And my aunt told me he never recovered from that because he blamed me for her passing. It hurt a lot as a kid that at family events he would ignore my existence. When I was a little older he got more vocal about me “k**ling” her and he can’t stand to look at my face.

You can imagine the amount of therapy that put me in. I used to go to church crying because I was scared about going to hell for doing that to my mom. That’s how much his words screwed me up. But the crappy part was that I never stopped trying to be accepted by him.

After my highschool graduation, he told me to never bother him again since he legally has no obligation to me anymore (since he was sending my aunt money to take care of me). Around that time is when I finally started accepting that reality so from there we moved on with our lives.

My aunt doesn’t talk to me about him. Sometimes my grandparents do and that’s how I found out he got married. They were mad he didn’t invite me to their wedding but to me it didn’t matter because we’re not close. But it was his wife who wanted to meet me. It’s the first time ever that he wants to make contact and it was to pretty much say she wants me on their life.

She doesn’t know the real reason we’re estranged, he asked me to please not say anything and maybe this could be a way to reconcile after all. But he was only doing it for her. That much was clear when we talked. I never said I would be he still insisted on us meeting at their place because she really wanted to meet me.

All she thinks is we were estranged for not getting along in my teenager years, going to college and losing touch because of “life stuff.” It pissed me off that he played it off as us just not talking for petty reasons meanwhile the actually reason damaged me for years. I told her the truth. Everything he said to me. That he was never a parent to me, that was all my aunt. It was definitely a shock for her.

The outcome was a disaster. Everyone has heard about this now. My grandma’s in particular told me she understands my anger. But this was his chance finding someone since losing my mom and now it’s been put in jeopardy.

My dad is devastated. They think it was going too far to ruin his marriage that way when he was willing to include me in their lives which could have been the start of our relationship. And they say not only did I ruin that but also possibly wrecked his marriage. She just doesn’t agree at all with what he did and it could’ve been avoided if I didn’t say anything.

For me, it was hard not to tell the truth after the lies made it seem like it was nothing serious. I couldn’t ignore what happened after what it did. Idk if it was the right call since it put their whole marriage at risk after all.

Here's what people had to say to OP:

unpopularcryptonite wrote:

Dude, NTA. Your Dad is a Grade A double cheese asshole from hell with a special topping of AH served with asshole sauce. He deserves every bit of what happened to his second marriage because he presented himself as a different person than he is. I am sorry you had to go through this. I wish you strength and may you find more people who love you unconditionally.

OP responded:

Thank you 🙏🏻 And don’t worry I have. My aunt has been the best parent for me and she always tried to shield me from his crap as much as possible. Idk if I would’ve made it without her supporting me.

engie_945 wrote:

HEY you are NTA. He does not get to pick you up and parade you for the sake of his new wife like a toy. Absolutely TA here. You did the right thing telling her the truth. Your dad was expecting you to lie about your life because he had lied about his, wife deserves to know who she is married to.

I'm so sorry you have had this start in life.

Maleficent_Ad_3958 wrote:

NTA. You shouldn't need to lie about what you went through and that new wife SHOULD understand what could happen if SHE died and there was a surviving kid.

She probably thought "oh, he'll love and take care of our child" and now knows, "oh hell, he'll totally cut and run and shit on our child!" Your sperm donor doesn't get to demand you keep quiet about how a failure he is. Why would you want a relationship with someone who proved himself a complete zero?

wildferalfun wrote:

NTA. Saying you lost touch due to tumultuous times as a teenager and distance in college is making the fault of your estrangement mutual. It was not mutual. He lashed out with horrifying, inaccurate, and traumatizing language throughout your childhood and abandoned you immediately after birth. He is absolutely deserving of every complication his torment of you brings him.

If he could not raise you or treat you with respect, he should have never associated with you. His wife was owed the truth because your trauma and abandonment were perpetuated up to and through their wedding. He was not just someone who couldn't raise their child due to his own trauma, he created trauma. He could have found love long ago if he wasn't so hard-hearted.

After receiving lots of support, OP shared an update:

Words can’t express how much it meant to me getting so much love from my last post. Everyone who supported not just my actions but also acknowledge the hurt. To all the sweet internet moms who commented and DM’d me, y’all know how to make someone feel loved even by total strangers lol.

Since so many people wanted an update here it is, it’s a little heavy and for a couple day I needed some time to process it and do some crying. They’re splitting up. Heard it first from my grandma then from his wife , or I guess ex? She was legit crying on the phone when she called to tell me sorry for putting me in that position.

Her and my dad had a longer conversation where he told her everything else he did so she made that decision she can’t stay with someone like him. And she wanted me to know how disgusted she is, also to tell me thanks which is something I really needed to hear. My dad is who he is yeah but regardless two people splitting their marriage because of what you said is a hard thing not to feel guilty about.

This lady is heartbroken going through divorce just a few months after getting married and she wanted to make the time to reassure someone else that they made the right choice. Unexpectedly though, my dad wanted us to talk yesterday too. My girlfriend again didn’t want me to.

Trust me I get her point (she’s the one who didn’t want me having dinner with them in the first place), for one thing we didn’t know what he wanted to talk about and what would that do to my mental health. It was probably a bad risk to take but I met with him. And yeah I should listen to my girlfriend more when it comes to this stuff…

First time in my life I think we had a conversation about my mom. How much he loved her, them being happy and excited about having a family. But then she died and he told me even if it’s wrong he can’t ever not blame me because simply, if I hadn’t been born, she’d still be here. He’s only sorry for not completely staying away from me and saying horrible things growing up.

While he wasn’t saying this to be malicious since he seemed sincere it was still an ouch for me. In the end we decided having a relationship with eachother was never gonna happen and said goodbye. He at least apologized for trying to put me in that position. First good thing he ever did was tell me what happened with his wife wasn’t my fault .

Then I just went home and cried. Had my day to process, a short therapy session and support from both my aunt and girlfriend to get me through. The rest of my family is leaving me alone at least so glad that in the end it was resolved. Not a total happy ending I know, but in the end it’s better this way.

Here's what people had to say to OP's update:

dounesky wrote:

OP, I’m sorry you were given such a spiteful man as your dad. His grief may have started how he treated you, his spitefulness and overall anger has clouded his judgement. You are not responsible for his marriage dissolution, only his actions are the culprit. The one thing you can see as the light at the end of the tunnel, is that you now know that he knows that he is responsable.

His acknowledgment and respect is no longer warranted as why would you associate with him outside of being your sperm donor. Find your own family that you chose. I have done that when I have officially cut my dad out of my life. Surround yourself with worthy people who love you:

OP responded:

Thank you. I’m very grateful that I found my own family. My aunt that raised me, my girlfriend and our kid that’ll hopefully be popping into the world soon, also our friends ofc. They were all my light honestly.

My aunt did so much to help me, even when she had to be the bad guy in my eyes as a kid/teen because “how dare she try to keep me from my dad” when the reality was she was trying to shield me from his cruelty. She did everything for my sake and stepped up for me as a parent when he wouldn’t. I’m lucky to have someone like her in my life.

[deleted] wrote:

OP, I hope this whole situation can give you some closure. I’m sorry your dad couldn’t be the father you deserved, and I hope you can heal from all the horribleness he put you through now that he’s out of your life. I just want to reiterate that none of this was your fault- every ounce of it was your dad's. I wish you all the best ❤️

OP responded:

As painful as it was, it was probably the best outcome that could’ve come from this. Or maybe it’s just that I had low expectations going into this conversation. It was still a form of closure we both needed to have.

Cheerilyterrified wrote:

I'm so so sorry your dad is a failure as a dad and as a person. I'm just an internet randomer but please know that none of this at all is on you.

You say:

"My dad is who he is yeah but regardless two people splitting their marriage because of what you said is a hard thing not to feel guilty about."

"This lady is heartbroken going through divorce just a few months after getting married and she wanted to make the time to reassure someone else that they made the right choice."

They aren't splitting because of what you said, but because of what he did. She's heartbroken because the person she thought she loved didn't exist, but was a facade made up by your dad. Honestly, given how genuinely terrible your dad seems to be, you've given this woman a gift by showing her now while she can get out easily. How could she have kids with a man who's ok treating his kids like to that?