'AITA for ridiculing my sister-in-law for being single?' UPDATED

"AITA for ridiculing my sister-in-law for being single?"

Some time ago, my (F28) SIL (F29) made a joke that basically went like this: "Sometimes I don't get why women wanted to be emancipated so bad, now I have to go to work everyday!" At the time I didn't think it was very funny and I thought it was a pretty ignorant thing to say but I don't think one bad joke is a reason to start a whole thing so I ignored it.

However, SIL has repeated this sentiment at least three times to me, with a joking tone but not necessarily as a mindless joke. I told her that I find it a pretty tasteless thing to say because it's disrespectful to wish that every woman's freedom is taken away just so that you would have the life you want. It's not even like it's unattainable to become a housewife these days.

It was never a really big deal but it bothered me that she kept bringing it up. One day she said it again when the two of us were talking, something like, "if only women didn't fight to work 50 years ago, I could be at home all week instead of working."

Here's where I could be the @$$hole. I told her: "SIL, if things were just like they were 50 years ago you would be working regardless because you are single." At that our conversation ended and she ignored me the rest of the day. I heard through my husband that SIL was very upset by what I had said.

I'm not going to pretend that I didn't know this is a sensitive topic for her. As you could have gathered from this, she really wants to be a stay at home mother but she's not having any luck with dating. I feel bad for her but in my opinion that doesn't mean she can say whatever she wants without consequences.

My in laws are bothering my husband saying that I have to apologize to SIL. He doesn't think I have to if I don't want to, but I'm going to apologize anyway because it's the easiest. However, I do want to know, am I the @$$hole?

What do you think? AITA? This is what commenters had to say:

YouthNAsia63 said:

OMFG, like being a “stay at home mom” isn’t “working”. It’s working, you just don’t get paid. And it’s always pissed me off when people say, oh, so and so doesn’t work, as if so and so is over sitting on the divan while somebody brings them bon bons instead of running around after rug rats and scrubbing the toilet and doing laundry.

But what you meant, OP, was that fifty years ago SIL would still be working, because she wouldn’t have, or be able to get, a husband to “work” for her. Because she is unsuitable. Which is kinda mean. But after hearing her little catch line over and over, I would get tired of it, too. NTA

beth_hazel_thyme said:

NTA - I think she is misguided but also kind of raised a point that she probably doesn't understand. The women's movement to work got exploited by capitalists. While people should have equal opportunity regardless of gender, we ended up in a situation where both people in a partnership have to work outside the house to make enough to get by, and then also manage housework.

She's got the solution wrong with going back to the 50s and gendered division of labour. But we did screw up by letting the average hours from paid work go up from 40 to 80 hours a week per two adults. You're still in no way TA.

NatashOverWorld said:

I mean, you told her several times you didn't like it and she kept going, what was she expecting? Eff around and find out, even if both offense and response were both quite mild. NTA.

Particular_Hornet260 said:

🙄 I’d start gently introducing her to feminism. I support anyone’s choices for their own life while also thinking she’s going to be miserable if she thinks that being a SAHM is less work than whatever she’s doing every day. She sounds immature. I don’t think you owe her an apology but I think she will be a lot happier and probably have more luck dating if she didn’t talk about not working being a goal.

She would be far less offensive if she understood that saying “I want to work at home” or “create a home” or “support my family in the home” or “find a partner who also wants…” those things rather than “I don’t want to work”.

OP responded:

Yeah, I told her that being a stay at home mom is work, I have done it for almost 2 years and it is HARD. She brushes it off by saying "I would still be happier at home than at work" so idk, I hope for her sake she's right about that.

Odd_Let_7524 said:

Why does it bother you so much that she says that she wishes it hadn't happened? She's allowed to have a different opinion than you do. You know that it bothers her a lot to still be single and you had to bring that up and put her down. Why? YTA.

And OP responded:

To put it in simple terms, I view it as wishing harm on people. We can all have our opinions but if her opinion is that a group of people should suffer, I'm going to ask her not to repeatedly share that with me.

I also didn't just say it to hurt her, what I said to her is a very obvious flaw in her logic. I shouldn't have confronted her like that but what I said is still true. She opened herself up for that.

She later shared this update:

I just got off the phone with SIL and I think it would be nice to write it all down so I can let it go lol. I called SIL to apologize. I told her that I should have understood that my remark would come across as painful and I shouldn't have said it. I also clarified that I seriously didn't mean to imply that she deserves to be single and thankfully she never took it that way.

SIL defended the things she said by saying she just really wants to be a housewife. I repeated once again that it's still perfectly possible to be a housewife nowadays. I pointed out that I used to be a stay at home mom up until a year ago. SIL seemed confused at that argument.

That is when we realized that SIL didn't know I wanted to go back to work, she had assumed I had to go back to work due to financial struggles. I suppose it is too strange to her that I wouldn't want to stay at home.

After all that was clarified I took the opportunity to share how difficult it was for me to be a stay at home mom and that it is actually really hard work. I don't think it had an impact, she still thinks it is a nice cushy life and that it's what is best for her. I hope for her sake that she's right about that.

So that's basically it. SIL has moved on and I can tell that my husband is relieved that his parents have backed off about this. I don't think SIL will ever understand what's wrong with the things she said but that's okay with me. I have a feeling she will not bring it up with me anymore.