Affair and child paternity scandal erupt between working mom and sister at family Christmas party. AITA? + UPDATE
"AITA for causing a rift in my brother’s marriage by calling out my sister-in-law for lying in front of everyone at my Christmas party?"
Basically, I (26F) hosted a big Christmas party at my house last weekend, and what was supposed to be a fun evening spent celebrating as a family turned into a bit of a shit show, all because of my sister-in-law “Hannah” (31F).
Now, for some context: my wife “Jess” (28F) and I got married this past September. We wanted to keep the wedding small and intimate, so the decision was made that the wedding would essentially be “child free,” with an exception for my half sister (16F) since she’s an older kid and I had asked her to be one of my bridesmaids.
Back when my brother Alex (30M) and his wife Hannah had RSVP'd for the wedding, I made sure to call and remind them that, sadly, their baby couldn’t come with them because it’s child-free.
I also want to mention here that I had told them about this back when we went to visit my brother and his family in the summer. Anyway, while on the phone, they said they hadn’t forgotten and they had already planned for Hannah’s mom to babysit.
However, when the day of the wedding came, Alex and Hannah showed up with, you guessed it, my then 8-month-old nephew. I’ll be honest and admit that I’m kind of a pushover, and I didn’t want to make a scene on my wife and I’s special day, so I regrettably let it go.
We got about two minutes into the ceremony before extremely loud screaming and crying from my nephew began. The worst part was that they tried to ignore it at first, for about another 2 minutes, before Hannah finally excused herself and him.
Unfortunately, she couldn’t go into another room because we were on a beach. At first she just tried to walk further down the beach, but the crying could still be heard loud and clear, so she eventually walked back to their car and later decided that her and my nephew would go home and not stay for the reception, and only my brother Alex would stay.
Fast forward to the Christmas party. Everything was perfect until Alex, Hannah, and nephew show up, after she had reached out a month prior to tell me they wouldn’t be coming at all and would be spending time with her family.
I was annoyed and decided to pull them aside when I went to greet them and asked why they didn’t tell me they were coming, because I honestly didn’t make enough food to feed two more people for dinner, not to mention I had nothing for their son. Alex gave me a confused look and asked why I thought they weren’t coming, and when I told him the reason why, all hell broke loose.
Alex obviously questioned Hannah as to why she would do this, and her response was to immediately, and loudly, accused me of lying and of hating my nephew. Obviously this got the attention of the room and everyone stopped and turned to look at us like something out of a movie.
He then asked why she would think I hate their son, especially considering I agreed to change the policy to allow him to come to the wedding… which, as you already know, I did not do.
I quickly told Alex that wasn’t true and explained myself and my reasoning behind my choice, that it wasn’t personal, AND that I OF COURSE love my nephew. I reminded them that I was super cool about the crying and never said anything, even when I probably should’ve.
Jess started to walk over to us from the kitchen (most likely to try and diffuse the situation, bless her heart) all while Hannah doubled down and tried to make it seem like I was lying, so I lost it and said, “Well, if I’m a liar who hates your kid, then I guess you should probably get the eff out of my house.” Jess stopped dead in her tracks and the silence that came after was eerie.
Hannah then started crying, and quickly left with my nephew and slammed the front door behind her. My brother turned and gave me a sad look before following behind her.
It didn’t take long before I started to feel embarrassed that I let things escalate like that. Jess comforted me after they left and we ended the party early because I don’t even know how to properly process what just happened.
Later, my brother texted me, saying he didn’t know who to believe. Apparently, Hannah is adamant that I allowed her to bring their son to the wedding last minute because I “felt bad for trying to control what she gets to do with her baby.”
She’s also saying I made the Christmas party thing up as well, claiming I’ve “always had a vendetta against her” and want to make her look bad. Alex says he just needs time and that he’s heartbroken and worried that Hannah isn’t who he thought she was. Other family members have been texting me, saying they’re on my side, but I do kind of feel like an asshole for how I handled everything at the party.
I know Hannah is trying to drag my name through the mud, but I feel guilty for making her cry, intentionally trying to publicly humiliate her, and for ruining the vibe of my own party. So, AITA for causing a rift in my brother’s marriage by calling out my sister-in-law for lying in front of everyone at my Christmas party?
Here were the top rated comments from readers in response to the OP's post:
NTA, and in future, group text her and your brother so you have the receipts when she RSVPs or not.
NTA and I agree and if she tries to message you on the side screen shot and share to the group message. Telling her EVERYTHING goes through the group chat.
NTA. Tell your brother that you know he has to support his wife, but you did say it to her. Going forward you'll put all social event details through him. Problem solved.
“For trying to control what she gets to do with her baby.” That was her real feelings about your wedding request to be childfree. Liars always tell on themselves. Instead of being an adult and discussing any concerns with you, she decided to manipulate the situation and go behind your and your brother’s back.
She did this to herself, release your guilt. You shouldn’t want your brother married to such a person anyway. I feel so sorry for your nephew growing up with a mother like that, so far so bad.
If he stays with her, moving forward make sure everything related to events and planning is in writing, through your brother only, or on a group chat. And don’t accept phone calls from her.
NTA and your SIL is a manipulative liar. In the future make sure everything either goes through your brother or is in writing.
NTA. It's nice that you feel compassionate toward your SIL, especially for your brother's sake. But you didn't create this problem and if you didn't call her out on her lies and manipulation, she would just do it more.
You can't really "keep the peace" in a family situation like this. Trying to keep the peace is like trying to hold down the lid on a pot that's trying to boil over - you can hold that lid all you want but the pressure is going to keep building until it explodes unless you do something about the actual source of the problem.
And there's no way you could have handled this where no one would get upset. You've probably chosen the path that would lead the lowest total amount of upset over time, even if it meant an uncomfortable amount of upset right now.
The OP returned the next day with an update.
I want to start by saying thank you to everyone that read my post and tried to give me advice or just overall help me feel better about the entire situation. I originally intended to look more in depth at the comments and reply to some/answer questions.
But I’ve been too stressed and too preoccupied because so much has happened in a short time. I now have a lot of new information to share that has changed everything.
My brother is now going to be staying with my wife and I for the time being. We decided this when he unexpectedly arrived late last night, and we had a long talk where I learned the full scope of everything that had happened with Hannah after the party up until now.
He said that after taking some time and space away from her, he asked her to have a sit-down talk. He explained to me that during this time he realized she was 100% lying and I was 100% telling the truth, but still wanted to try and give her a chance to fully explain why she would act the way she did, why she would lie, and how she could justify treating him and I this way.
Hannah tried to deflect and gaslight him when first confronted, but when he made it clear he wasn’t having it, she snapped…. and admitted to him that she’s always disliked me, and the main reason why is because she’s uncomfortable with “my lifestyle.”
She went on to say that Jess makes her the most uncomfortable due to her appearance and what she wears (my wife is extremely masculine-presenting) and that she’s just so sick and tired of pretending none of this upsets her. There was more, but Alex said that was all he was going to tell me.
All of that was of course her reasoning for lying to my brother by telling him that I allowed the baby to attend the wedding last minute, and that she had secretly hoped her baby would fuss or cry and ruin part of the ceremony (which obviously happened).
She explained that she wanted to do something similar for the Christmas party in order to make me look unhinged and like I didn’t want them there, making the wedding incident seem like a completely different situation to the family, one where she is the martyr and I the aggressor.
I always knew she didn’t like me, but I didn’t realize she was so homophobic that the mere fact Jess and I exist at all is detrimental to her. I decided that I’ll never tell my wife the details Alex told me, but I’m honestly glad I know all of this now. I’ll never feel guilty for calling out shitty behavior from people ever again.
Alex assured me that he was extremely disgusted with her and what she said, and had absolutely no idea she felt this way at all. But, he then told me he wasn’t actually done telling me everything she confessed.
Here’s where shizz REALLY hits the fan: Hannah, after going on her homophobic rant, started to get antsy and pace around the room, leaving my brother just sitting there, devastated and confused.
After a few minutes of said pacing, she continued to confess to my brother, now explaining that not only is she having an affair, she is also 100% certain he’s not the biological father of their child they’ve been raising together these past 11 months. What made things even worse was, after some prying, she eventually let it slip that the affair has been going on for 6 YEARS.
She claimed it was “love at first sight” when she first met her college friend’s older brother “Josh” (42M) at a party 6 years ago, but she also knew she never wanted to lose my brother as he was “her perfect match” which obviously makes zero sense all things considered.
Also, for some added context, they’ve been married for around 6 years, meaning she has been having an entire secret, serious relationship with another man for the entirety of her marriage to my brother.
Safe to say I am completely shocked and all I’ve been doing is spending time with Jess and also Alex. He has been staying with us as I mentioned above, since things are extremely tense and hostile between him and Hannah.
They are obviously going to be getting a divorce, but with Christmas literally around the corner, everything is “on pause” according to him. I respect this, but also cannot WAIT for her to officially no longer be in our lives. As for Hannah- she seems to have quite literally moved on overnight with Josh and their baby.
Overall, I cannot believe she’d betray my brother like that and I’m sad to know she’s been so hateful towards me because of my sexuality. I don’t know if I’ll have another update but maybe? I just feel so depleted after yesterday.
Here were the top rated comments from readers in response to the OP's update:
Wow! So many of these bigots are really not keeping up with their "morals" by cheating as over the place. I hope your brother can make a clean split and the baby isn't his I'm sorry your brother is hurting and I'm proud of you for calling HER BS out.
Adding on, make sure he gets a paternity test done and if/when it comes back negative that he has his name removed from the birth certificate. Some states have time limits for this and he could end up being on the hook for child support even if he's not the bio-father. Consult a lawyer as soon as possible. The fees might seem expensive now but it beats paying through the nose for the next 18 years.
I’m sorry you’re feeling defeated, but she’s an asshole. You didn’t do anything wrong.
Well, isn’t she a warm pile of “ick”?
You are doing a good thing for your brother. NTA.
Your brother needs to book in a paternity test, and if what his cheating wife says is true, he needs his name removed from that birth certificate before any divorce is finalized. Legally, that child is his right now, biology doesn't matter.