'AITA for backing up my roommate after he didn't let my girlfriend into our apartment while I wasn't home?'
"AITA for backing up my roommate after he didn't let my girlfriend into our apartment while I wasn't home?"
My (21M) roommate (21M) and I have been living together for about seven months. We aren't super close, but he's chill, and I’d say we’re decent friends. When we first moved in, he mentioned that he gets uncomfortable being alone with women he doesn’t know well or who aren’t apart of his family.
He didn’t go into much detail, just said that when he was around 8-12 years old, his stepmom did things to him that made him uncomfortable, and he’s also had a situation where a former friend falsely accused him of making sexual advances when they stayed together.
He never elaborated more, and when I asked about it he didn't really want to, so I’ve been respecting that. I don’t know all the details, so I can only assume based on what he’s hinted at. I’ve been dating my girlfriend (21F) for about four months.
I explained the situation to her early on and asked her to please not come over to my apartment unless I’m home. I told her it was to respect my roommate’s boundaries and make sure he feels comfortable in his own home.
She’s been respectful about it, meaning she usually comes over when I’m there, and my roommate and her have always been polite and nice to each other. However, recently I went to visit my brother in the hospital. My girlfriend called me while I was there, asking where I was. I told her I was with my brother and my parents.
When I told her I would be leaving soon, she said she was going to wait for me at my apartment because her parents were aggravating her. I told her I didn’t want her going over when I wasn’t there, but she ignored me and went anyway. When she got to the apartment, my roommate didn’t let her in. He told her he was uncomfortable letting her in while I wasn’t there.
She called me, pissed off, saying he wouldn’t let her in. I told her I was on my way back. By the time I got there, he opened the door when he knew I was home. When we walked inside, my girlfriend was highly pissed and started cussing him out and yelling at him. This caused my roommate to leave.
After he left, it was just me and her, and I tried explaining everything to her again. Like I still don't know what fully happened to him, but it had to be something traumatic, and that he didn’t mean anything malicious. I said I understood why she was upset but asked her to try and see it from his perspective.
She refused. She started accusing him of being a misogynist and said that he was using his trauma to justify "hating all women." She also told me that by trying to defend him, I was being complicit. She didn't like that I was upset she yelled and cursed at him because she felt that I was tolerating disrespect towards her.
She was just completely upset with me. I reminded her that I had told her not to come over unless I was home, and this pissed her off more. She said she shouldn’t need permission to come to my place.
Here is what readers had to say in response to the OP’s post:
NTA your girlfriend's behaviour is appalling and I would absolutely rethink your relationship with her. Does she have the same attitude if it would be a female roommate feeling uncomfortable with a male staying at the apartment when his partner was not there..... I can't believe you allowed her to be so verbally abusive that your roommate left the apartment, give your head a wobble.
Major red flags. This girlfriend is not a good partner for you. Major kudos for supporting your roommate.
NTA OP - also your GF is selfish. She doesn't live with you, she knows the boundaries but because she is aggravated by her parents she expected to be catered to. Also, her saying she shouldn't need permission - it's not your place alone and you do not live with her. She needs permission. She's a guest. That level of selfishness is a huge 🚩.
Girlfriend only started making an issue out of this when you were dealing with something serious (brother in the hospital). This one will always cause serious disruptions when your attention is divided; it's not even about your poor roommate and a major red flag.
Your girlfriend is very much in the wrong here. Even if we eliminate the roommate all together, it is not her apartment, she does not live there, and you have only been together for 4 months. So yes, she very much does need permission to go there. Regardless of the living situation, 4 months is not long enough of a relationship for me personally to trust anyone in my space when I'm not home.
NTA. It's been 4 months and she is already acting like this. It's time to cut your losses. If you want to give her one more chance, ask her how she would see it if genders were reversed. If she doesn't understand how this is the same situation, or dismisses that as well then you really need to cut your losses.
Honestly it's harmful when people don't realize that disregarding this kind of trauma for both genders is equally based in misogyny, because in both cases they are placing men and women in a strict binary of men = aggressors and woman = victims.
Where when women are attacked its "normal", and when men are attacked its "not a big deal, or didn't happen like that". Which is all completely unhealthy and destructive to people and society.
NTA. If I was your roommate your girlfriend would be permanently banned from the apartment. She already knew why he has concerns of being alone with women he doesn’t know well. And she broke both of your boundaries!
She didn’t listen to you and decided her feelings and wants trumped both you and your roommates feelings about your OWN home. She then makes your roommates feel so uncomfortable by screaming and cussing at him that he feels the need to leave his own home! Honestly you’re kinda the AH for not kicking your girlfriend out the minute she started cursing at your roommate in HIS OWN HOME.
She then tries to make herself the victim by saying it’s misogyny when it is NOT. NTA but I wouldn’t allow her to come over ever again until she SINCERELY apologizes to your roommate and he accepts it.
If I was your roommate I would be making plans to leave you and your girlfriend the apartment and let you guys figure out how to pay rent since she feels so entitled to treat it as her own and make demands about when she can or can’t be there.
After witnessing behavior such as that, especially her yelling at the roommate and getting upset with OP, I would definitely rethink the relationship.