'AITA for refusing to participate in my roommate's sudden 'points system' and calling her out on treating me like a child?'
"AITA for refusing to participate in my roommate's sudden 'points system' and calling her out on treating me like a child?"
My roommate and I have been living together for two years now, and we've always had a great dynamic. We're both juniors, we split everything fairly, and we've never had any major issues.
We naturally fell into routines, she's better at keeping the kitchen clean, I handle most of the bathroom maintenance, we both do our own laundry, and we share common area responsibilities pretty evenly.
Then in January, something weird started happening. She created this point system out of nowhere. Suddenly I was earning "points" for taking out the trash, bonus points for vacuuming the living room, and she started keeping track of everything on a whiteboard.
At first, I thought it was kind of cute because she'd gotten really into productivity apps over winter break. The "rewards" were things like picking what we'd watch for movie night, getting first dibs on the shower schedule, or her buying my coffee when we studied together.
But then it escalated. She started docking points if I left dishes in the sink overnight or if I forgot to wipe down the bathroom counter. Last month, she told me I'd "lost privileges" to have friends over because my point total was too low. When I wanted to use her Netflix account (which we've always shared), she said I needed to "earn it back" by deep cleaning the refrigerator.
Yesterday I just finished a brutal midterm week and crashed on the couch. She came over with her stupid chart and said something like: Great job on completing your tasks this week! You've earned TV privileges and I picked up those cookies you like as a reward.
Thats when I said to her something like: "I don't know what productivity influencer you've been following, but this is insane. I'm not your pet that you're training with treats and punishments.
We're roommates, not participants in some behavioral experiment. She said the system helps her feel like we're both contributing equally and that it "motivates positive behaviors."
I told her that if she had issues with how I was handling things, she should have just talked to me like an adult. She started crying and said I was being mean and that she was just trying to make our living situation better.
I get that some people like gamification, but we didn't have problems before. Our arrangement worked fine for two years. Now I feel like I'm walking on eggshells, waiting to see if I'll "earn" basic roommate courtesies that used to just happen naturally. AITA for refusing to play along with her points system and telling her it's ridiculous?
Here is what readers had to say in response to the OP’s post:
NTA and you need to ask her who she thinks she is to limit your tv privileges when you pay rent.
Negative-Guide3027 (OP)
Yeah, Like I pay half the rent and utilities but suddenly need her permission to watch TV? It's so weird.
She's nuts. NTA.
Negative-Guide3027 (OP)
Right? I feel like I'm living in some weird psychology experiment gone wrong.
Does she "punish" herself for not deep cleaning the fridge or whatever? It's control. She controls the chores, the rewards and the punishments. Therefore she controls you. So you need to refigure your living situation. Maybe call her mom to highlight the parenting aspect of this she is trying to force on you.
She clearly wants to dictate the relationship instead of treating you as an equal.
Chances are good that she doesn't see this roommate experience as positively as you do, isn't able to address it directly, and chose this way to bring it up. You're NTA, but you may want to explore other living arrangements. Sometimes things are great until they aren't, and then it's time to move on.
NTA. She's not your mom. Punishment for not meeting points is insane.
No your not, how can a roommate "revoke privileges" when you both pay rent for the space? Unless you don't do your share of chores or something and she already talked to you about it then there is no reason for this, and even then there wouldn't be.
Are you the only one who loses points? Does she dock herself as well? I'd start subtracting points from her for not doing things like you wanted and see if it "motivates her positive behaviors".
What in the shimmering f**k? I wouldn't even treat my 9 year old daughter like that because she's old enough to understand a reasonable conversation. You need to find somewhere else to stay because that is the sort of environment that will get very toxic now that you've called her out.
It sounds like she's obviously having issues with the living situation but she's old enough to talk about it instead of passive aggressive 'point' charts. Nah. NTA.
You lost your privilege to have friends over? Rewards and punishments? WTF? You might remind her that a) you are not her pet, and that b) she's not your mommy. NTA.
Lemme guess. She's studying Business Administration? Or perhaps Psychology? Be grateful she isn't in Pre-med, otherwise she'd be diagnosing you with any number of illnesses. Tell her that if she keeps it up, you'll reward her with a new roommate.
NTA. It sounds as if maybe she wasn’t as happy with your arrangement as you are. It’s possible she feels as if she’s pulling more of the weight or maybe how you do some things bothers her but she didn’t know how to communicate that to you. That’s on her, not on you - you’ve been working on the assumption everything was fine and she’d let you know if it wasn’t.
However, it’s unreasonable of her to implement a system of points and rewards without you both discussing it and being happy with it first. It seems that the problem isn’t her system per se, but that she foisted it upon you. This is something you need to talk about and come to an agreement on.
If you still enjoy living with her aside from the chores, maybe it’s time to sit down and have a calm discussion about it now and see if you can find some middle ground that works for you both?