Foster mom’s license revoked after teen exposes her neglect and exploitation. AITA?
"AITA for ruining my old foster mom’s chances at ever being a foster parent again?"
I entered foster care at age 13 after a car wreck in 2016 left my grandma (who was my primary guardian) unable to care for me anymore. After my friends had found blades I used to self harm with in my pockets at school, they told the principal and counselor and I was taken to the hospital, and later taken to my ex foster mom’s (~ 50’s) house.
In the beginning, things were good. She had custody over her nephew (then 16) and had adopted a severely autistic boy (then 9). We will call the nephew A and the son N. “A” stayed to himself, mainly in his room or caring for N.
N was a shaken baby survivor with low functioning autism. He wasn’t completely nonverbal, but he also couldn’t speak full, complete sentences. He had a G-tube and was required to be fed every two hours, on the hour (otherwise he would get overstimulated because he was hungry). N was also obsessed with Amazons Alexa, and played music at loud volumes all day.
The foster mom, who we will call “K,” took me on trips. She took me to the beach for the first time, as well as Florida, which is somewhere I had always wanted to visit. In the summer of 2019 (about 1-2 years after being placed) we went on a cross country trip from South Carolina to California following the bottom South Coast. I saw places I never thought I would see.
However, as time passed, things changed. K started making me take care of N. I would have to tube feed him every two hours, change his diapers, give him baths/showers, interact and play with him (which I didn’t mind, but I wasn’t his parent and was a kid myself), and clean up after him. When he was crying and upset, I was expected to help him and find out what was wrong.
This wasn’t the only thing that I was forced to do. K also made me clean the entire house every Sunday. Additionally, I was in charge of having to cook every night. Which, don’t get me wrong, kids should have chores and the house should be clean, and learning life skills like cooking is good. However, K wouldn’t do ANYTHING. All she would do all day, everyday, is lay on her bed on her phone.
As I got older, it got worse. I was allowed less and less to see my friends and family. I was told I wasn’t allowed to see them because “who would watch N?” Not to mention the fact I didn’t have a phone until I was 15, and even then had to share it.
You’re probably wondering where the older child, her nephew, “A” is. He’s still there. In his room, or out with friends. He wasn’t expected to do anything anymore now that I was here, I suppose.
After 5 years, I finally found a caseworker who listened to me. At this point, I had no social life. Granted, I did have friends at school, but outside of school, I was always at home taking care of the house or N.
She refused to let me play volleyball (I was self taught & RECRUITED by my schools athletic director because she saw me playing one day in gym & said our team NEEDED me. I never got to live out my volleyball player dreams) because she “didn’t feel like” taking me to and from practice.
Mind you, her nephew A was in soccer at the same school. She refused to let me go to my best friend’s quince because I asked her three days in advance instead of an entire week, and “who would watch N?”
By the time I was finally out of that house, I was in the middle of my junior year in high school (17).
I didn’t make any new friends at my new school, and graduated alone.
After word got to Child Protective Services (called Department of Social Services where I’m from) about was K was doing to us, her license was revoked. K was in the process of building and creating a group home for teen girls.
She was going to teach them “life skills” and such. You would think she wouldn’t be able to do this once her license was revoked, but I found out a week ago that she still was in the process of doing it.
The funny part? Her partner in the project didn’t know her license was revoked. Once they found out, they pulled out of the deal two days before the place was supposed to open. K is in the process of suing DSS now because of this. AITA for getting in the way of her group home? AITA for getting her license revoked?
Here is what readers had to say in response to the OP’s post:
NTA. Good on you for reaching out to DSS. She wanted a house full of teenage girls to be her servants and have so much care for N she wouldn’t ever have to lift a finger!! Be proud of yourself! You stood up for what is right and made a difference and now these girls might be able to go live their volleyball, soccer or even cheer leading or chess dream bc YOU saved them!! 👏👏👏👏👏👏
NTA. You didn't get her license revoked, she got it revoked by her own actions. I'm sorry she and the system failed you.
makaylasanctuary (OP)
Thank you. I just hate that something she worked hard for was taken because of me… though I guess she did the same thing to me. She had been a foster mom for years before me. In fact, she was “retired” from it, but took me in so I wouldn’t have to go to a group home (not sure how they are in other parts of the country or world, but where I’m from they’re awful).
Clearly not the AH. I am so sorry you experienced this. You did nothing to deserve this. The hand you were dealt sucked. I don't know how old you are now, but I pray you are in a decent spot.
People sign up to foster for different reasons. My parents chose to do so because they had a big house, were relatively young, and had strong beliefs in offering a safe environment for vulnerable young people. It disgusts me that this woman did so to get unpaid help for her special needs bio child.
makaylasanctuary (OP)
I’m 20 now, and was adopted by a decent family. I’m no longer with them (after leaving this house I was severely mental and borderline abusive to them, so I left for the better of our relationship. Granted, I hated them for a while. But I’m just scarred lol, it’s not their fault and I’ve realized that.
Because of my mental issues and the medicines I’m on, i know I most likely won’t ever be mentally stable enough to be pregnant. I wouldn’t be able to take my meds, and that scares me. So I’ve thought of adopting/fostering myself! The system sucks, but there are always kids who need homes.
The OP returned later the same day to add more information.
The thing that changed it all was a dirty casserole dish. The night before, A was supposed to wash dishes (he rarely ever did because he was always out or she just wouldn’t make him). He had left a dirty casserole dish.
He didn’t soak it or anything, just left it beside the sink. If I had done this, I would have been punished with dish washing duty for the next week. However, it was A, so she didn’t care. After I had finished all of the dishes BUT the dirty casserole dish (because that was his dish to clean, not mine) she asked me why I hadn’t cleaned it.
I told her it wasn’t my dish, it was A’s from the night before. She told me she didn’t care and that I needed to clean it. Once I refused, she threatened to take my tablet (I had a tablet before a phone) for a month.
I stood my ground and refused again. She said my tablet was gone for another month. I stormed out, no shoes on, and walked two miles to her mother’s house. Along the way, I stumbled upon a glass beer bottle.
I know if I don’t do something crazy, I’ll just have to go back to that house. So I break the bottle against the fence and (TRIGGER WARNING!) slit my wrists . As I’m walking through K’s mother’s neighborhood with blood dripping down my wrists, her mother comes out and asks me what’s wrong.
That’s when I break down. She calls K to come take me to the hospital. The entire way there, K is telling me how I’m stupid for doing this over a dish and how much trouble she is going to get in. I was hospitalized for a week and put back into her care.
Edit: I should add that walking 2 miles without shoes along the side of a busy road left me with HUGE blisters, and was painful to walk for several days afterwards. I remember walking in the hospital and feeling a blister the size of two golfballs burst open.