"AITA for ruining a friend surprise twin pregnancy reveal by giving a heads-up to my husband?"

I (30F) am married to (37M) wonderful husband. We have been married for 6 and a half years and we don’t have any kids. Currently we are in a friend group with 3 other couples. I’m not going to name them so let’s say couple A, B and C. Couple A have 2 sons, couple B and C are currently pregnant.

Wife of couple A always thinks that when we visit them we should take care of their children as they need time to relax. And always hands her 2nd kids to me and 1st kid to my husband.

Couple B was always asking if we were okay after they reveal their pregnancy. They made us feel comfortable and they never talk about pregnancy. When they ask me to be the keeper for their baby gender and help them with the gender reveal party I was happy to help them.

When couple C fell pregnant they were showing that they were pregnant from the day 1. They shared their pregnancy news when they were 6 week pregnant. Now they are 14 weeks pregnant they want to do their gender reveal at the end of October and want me to do their gender reveal.

And when they shared they are having twins yesterday and wants me keep it a secret till gender reveal. It hit hard made me emotional. And told my husband on the way home that they were having twins and I don’t want him to get startled at gender reveal day.

Let me explain why he might get startled at the party. We suffered many miscarriages throughout our 6.5 years of marriage. First one was at 19 weeks, second with twins at 8week and 14 weeks and third one at 9 weeks. Last miscarriage happens day before the couple A’s 2nd son was born.

We were quite devastated after our latest miscarriage, which was earlier this year. We informed all our friends through text that we were miscarrying and we need some time to heal. Around that time couple B also fell pregnant and they were considerate about our feeling so they didn’t reveal their pregnancy and told us at the end of July. It was hard for us but we were happy for them.

Couple A and C have never considered our feeling only think about theirs. We went to visit couple A’s baby when it was 11 days old and she hand me her baby and disappear for 1 and half hour. It was hard but I hold him and cared for him. After coming home I cried holding my husband. She never ask us how we are feeling or we are okay.

When she tells us to look after them we do that and never say anything to them. It is hard for us to took care of them cause we haven’t healed through our losses. We don’t say a thing and just look after their kids. Couple C is having worst pregnancy symptoms and always says that I am having hard time with this I don’t want you to have this types of symptoms when you get pregnant. She knows all my history.

Today I told couple C that I have told my husband that you guys were having twins and I need to consider his feeling. They were accusing me of ruining their surprise and said I didn’t considered their feelings. Am I the a$$hole for telling my husband ?

What do you think? AITA? This is what top commenters had to say:

LowBalance4404 said:

Info (that doesn't change my judgement) - why do you just accept being handed a kid if it's causing you distress? A simple backing up and "no thank you" should suffice.

NTA. I think your husband needed to have this information. It's not like he shared it with anyone else.

NGDGUnpunished said:

First, I'm so sorry for your losses. My heart goes out to you and your husband.

NTA and I'm not even sure why you're friends with A and C. They've shown a callous disregard for your feelings. Go low contact for awhile and enjoy time with B.

JeepersCreepers74 said:

NTA. Telling just your spouse is not "ruining" the surprise for anyone but your spouse, and they should know why this wouldn't necessarily be a happy surprise for him. I honestly think it's a little callous for either B or C to ask you to be involved in their gender reveals given your experiences and a little flexibility on their part to ensure you and your husband are in the right headspace is not too much to ask.

UPDATE:

Firstly I want to mention that why I told couple C that I have told my husband about twins. She called me every hour or so saying don’t tell your husband we want to see his and other friend’s surprise face. I just nodded for 3-4 times but after that it was hard. And I told her that I have told my husband about your twin pregnancy.

It was triggering for me when you first told me a wave of emotion came it was hard and I just wanted to be happy for you so I didn’t show it at that moment and I don’t want my husband to feel that way in front of 50 peoples. For him it will trigger some memories which we don’t want on the happy day. I wanted to be on safe side and have to look for his well-being that’s why I told him.

After that she flipped started crying and told me I’m selfish her husband also joined and started telling me I am stuck in the past and have to let it go and they clearly told me they wanted surprise and I ruined it for them. I told them I just told my husband for his mental health and he is not going to tell anyone about it. And ended the call.

Couple C called today and started telling how she wants her gender reveal and how to surprise everyone. I told her that I’m not comfortable doing your gender reveal can you ask any other friend if they are willing to do it and she started telling me I am selfish bitch how I am only thinking about me and not about them.

I kindly told her if you were in my place what would you feel you would tell us every day that you are going through so much pain and nobody understand you. Just in case let’s say if you loose your twins I don’t want to loose them but just imagine how you and your husband would feel. First think about that and after that if you call me selfish then I’m okay with it and ended the call.

For couple A I’m not contacting them and just staying silent for now. For couple C I just want them to understand that it is a big deal to loose child. And I can’t just let it go. If they are still inconsiderate about our feelings then it’s the time to rethink our friendship.