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'AITA for ruining a funeral and potentially costing a lot of family members their jobs?'

'AITA for ruining a funeral and potentially costing a lot of family members their jobs?'


"AITA for ruining a funeral and potentially costing a lot of family members their jobs?"

My grandparents passed away recently. I followed the guidelines my grandma set up for her final event. Her Church, her burial plot, her casket and the same for my grandpa. I just didn't expect for it to be a joint funeral.

I sent out the notifications to friends of theirs and family after the date was set in stone. Their friends all came, so did most of my grandma's church but no family showed up. I wasn't surprised, I hadn't seen most of them in about 4 years.

I had a great time with my grandparents friends and then I went back home and cried my heart out. I had been their sole caregiver and I didn't know what to do without them. I had taken care of them for 15 years.

It started with little things like lifting heavy things and escalated to needing to change the bed twice a night sometimes. I was empty and started to scroll through my grandpa's facebook to see pictures he posted before his memory went.

I found a group, started about 3 years ago that was being flooded with activity. When I went poking around I found out it was my mother who was hosting a funeral at her church and was "trying to get final expenses taken care of."

I was stunned. Here was the woman I hadn't spoken to since throwing her out of the house for stealing jewelry and upsetting grandma terribly by using her Alzheimer's against her. 'How could you forget my birthday! You promised to give me this!'

I went to the funeral my mother had planned and listened to the pastor and then my mother got up to talk. She told everyone how hard it was taking care of them and something inside me roared to life.

I don't remember everything I said, but it did include that she didn't pay for anything for them, not their caskets, not their burial plots, not their cremation, nothing. I told everyone I put them to rest at the funeral grandma planned herself 4 days prior. I said she'd never paid for any of their care or even seen them for 4 years.

I was asked to leave and drove home. Later, a cousin asked me if what I said was true and when I said it was and I could provide proof, they explained my mother had been taking funds from the family for years to pay for their care at a facility because they had outlived their insurance policy.

They also explained I got a lot of people in trouble because somewhere in the speech I shouted I had done it all alone for years without any help. A lot of family members used my grandparents as an excuse to get out of work and had invited their coworkers to the funeral. By hearing my outburst they were now in trouble for lying as for the reasons to leave work or miss days.

She then went on to ask me about the inheritance and when that would be passed out. I told her that if anyone had earned the inheritance it had already been taken care of.

I thought I was in the right, but now I'm doubting myself after so many cousins and family members are calling to tell me I handled it really poorly. AITA? Did I handle this badly? Everyone's telling me I did.

Here's what top commenters had to say about this one:

Circinct said:

NTA. I'm honestly not entirely sure how you could have handled that better without being ignored. Your family members created these situations for themselves and now must deal with the consequences. I mean most if not all of them came to their actual funerals!

You handled everything both for their care over the last 15 years and in their passing. And that's probably been very hard for you, especially if you don't have any support yourself (I hope you do). Be kinder to yourself, you're grieving and will need some time to heal. (If you need someone to talk to, feel free to dm me).

StellarPhenom420 said:

NTA. You let the truth come to light. YOU didn't cause anything- their selfishness was finally repaid. The people who called you to tell you that you handled things poorly can go f-ck right the f-k off. Of course they think that, they've never had to face your grandparents in their final years! They were all perfectly fine using them as excused to get out of work and to get money from others. F-k em.

No_Goose_7390 said:

I'm sorry for your loss. NTA. You didn't ruin a funeral. You ruined your mom's scam and I'm cheering for you. I wish you all the best. You did a good job taking care of your grandparents and you deserve some peace.

GrimSpirit42 said:

NTA!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Do not feel you, in any way, made a mistake. You called out all the wrongs that were being done at you and your grandparents' expense, as they should have been. Hopefully your family will be filing suit with your mother. No one, besides yourself, deserve ANYTHING from your grandparents' estate.

WatermelonRindPickle said:

NTA. You did a tremendous job of caregiving. If they had been in a facility with 24/7 care, the cost would have been minimum $50,000 per person annually. Whatever they left you out have you, you earned the times the value. Do not give one cent to those liars.

Ravenhill-2171 said:

NTA - honestly it sounds like you should go the police. Sounds like your mother was scamming people and family members were swindling their employers out of PTO. If I were you I'd consult an estate attorney ASAP. Your relatives have got their knives out and will come after the estate.

Everyone was unanimously on OP's side for this one. What's your advice for this situation?

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