"AITA for ruining my 'friend's' relationship?"
Hey! So I (22M) met Max (fake name, 23M) when we were 14 in secondary school. Back then I was one of those dumb kids who thought that telling my friend's partner they were cheating was breaking the bro-code (extremely dumb thought, I know, I grew out of it). Well, Max and I were REALLY close back then, and he was the type of people to date 10 different girls in a year, constantly cheating on them.
After secondary school we grew apart but still followed each other on Insta and spoke sometimes. In the beginning of December he sent me a message after months of not talking, he asked if I could lie to his GF of 3 years (21F) bout spending Christmas with him after losing my father and having nowhere to go.
(My father is pretty much alive) because he needed to do something else and his GF wouldn't understand since Christmas is extremely important to her (I had to lie cuz apparently she was suspecting him of cheating). I told him I'm uncomfortable with it and he insisted, I asked what was the important thing he had to do.
His answer "the hottest woman I've ever seen" and he explained that he has been talking to her for a few months now, that it is purely s**ual (sending nudes) and that she's coming to his city to be with family for Christmas so it's his only opportunity.
(That woman's family celebrates the 24th, so she's free the 25th, while his gf celebrates the 25th). He was EXTREMELY annoying for over two weeks, he sent me a pic of his mistress as an argument, telling me that if I wasn't gay I would find her extremely hot.
He was so annoying and insisting that I ended up accepting. Few days later his gf called me to ask me about the Christmas we were gonna spend and I told her the truth, she stopped the call immediately, I sent her screenshots of him sending me pics of the girl and messages asking me to lie, she answered "thanks" and that's it.
Max sent me a lot of aggressive messages saying I ruined his relationship, that I broke the bro-code and that I'm a huge AH, I answered that we're not 14 anymore and that if he wants to be in a relationship while screwing around he should get into an open relationship. He told me I'm a traitor with many other insults before blocking me.
At first I thought I wasn't TA, but I can't stop feeling guilty, asked to friends what they thought and the reactions are mixed, two friends told me I'm TA for lying to him instead of telling him that I'll tell his gf the truth if she called me, my boyfriend and 3 other friends said I'm not TA at all. AITA?
Small update: the reason I didn't contact her immediately is because she doesn't have social media (in exception of WhatsApp) and I didn't have her number, when I agreed I was basically waiting for him to give her my number and call me.
And I thought he wasn't cheating anymore since he had a stable girlfriend for 3 years, we haven't been actual friends since we stopped going to secondary school, about 5 years ago.
Here's what people had to say to OP:
tsukinofaerli wrote:
NTA. You're a good person, and you saved his girlfriend a lot of heartache and maybe some serious STIs. You probably shouldn't have and instead just went straight to his girlfriend with the evidence, but IDK if you had her contact information. I'm side-eying your friends (and especially your boyfriend!) for thinking you should have just let the cheater keep cheating by finding someone who would lie for him.
fififufuxxoo wrote:
NTA. He's the one that cheated and did wrong; you are not obligated whatsoever to cover for him, especially because you were not comfortable with it. You did his girlfriend a huge favour, and if you were her, you would definitely appreciate the honesty. Don’t feel guilty about it, he's TA in all ways here.
Money-Possibility606 wrote:
NTA. Honestly...in the most extreme scenario, you might have saved this girl's life. If he's sleeping around, he's probably not being safe. He could bring home a disease to this girl. You saved her from that.
And you definitely saved her a lot of pain and heartache, if not disease.
Your "friend" is a bad person. It's better that he is not in your life anymore. I know it hurts to lose people, but it's really his loss, not yours.
Sometimes_cleaver2222 wrote:
NTA. Obviously you were being used. He also had very few plans of seeing you again because he could not if he stayed with this woman. She would learn that your father was alive. He called you because you were already disposable in his life. NTA but he is.
_Cleon_ wrote:
NTA. The "bro code" just means "please don't call me out or make me face the consequences of my shitty behavior." And what's more, it wasn't enough to expect you to keep quit; nah, he tried to get you to actively participate.
Get better friends, OP. Someone who treats people this way is not a good person.
Pure_Swordfish6022 wrote:
NTA. The who bro code thing is a giant load of bullshit used to guilt decent people into covering for assholes. A real Bro wouldn’t need to cheat on his girlfriend, and a real Bro wouldn’t try to get his friend to lie for him. Thats’s not a Bro, that’s an AH.
Thick_Breadfruit3949 wrote:
NTA, good friends call out bad behaviour, and his behaviour to that poor girl was awful. He could've contracted an STD and gave it to her, now she gets the full truth, gets to decide what she wants to do, and knows she should get tested. You didn't betray your "friend", you helped a girl not be trapped in a disloyal, unhealthy relationship.