"AITA for ruining my husband's birthday?"

First off sorry if this seems to ramble. Just have to get it out there and want to include as much information as I can.... I 31F and my husband 32M have been together for 13 years married for 10. He has always had a temper of sorts and I am more so the people pleaser. We have 3 kids together and with each one we struggled to conceive.

With each kid I did the motherly duties as assigned. Got up with them at night, fed them, bathed them, bought them clothes etc.( For reference he has a 9 to 5 job and I am a teacher.) As the kids got older he seemed less interested in the parenting gig & they just seem to annoy him.

He stopped giving them baths, unless I asked him to, and when I did he would always roll his eyes, say whatever and do it. I could tell he hated doing it so I eventually stopped asking and just did it.

This continued with a bunch of things related to the house and kids. I'd ask him to do something, he'd complain and be upset and angry and then I'd just do it. If I brought it up to him he'd always revert to saying "I know I'm the a$$hole and I don't do anything" or he would throw it in my face that he pays the mortgage and if I wanted him to help I needed to ask him.

He also stopped going with me to my parents or grandparents house and when he did everyone could tell he was not happy to be there. The day before his birthday we were at my parent's house for supper and I bought him a cake and thought maybe it would be nice to celebrate his birthday with the kids and my parents and his brother.

He immediately said no and acted like I had just suggested we spend his whole birthday with my parents. He refused to do the candles and have any cake and just sulked. When I brought it up to him that it hurt my feelings he said it was "weird because it was with my family."

I told him I only did the cake because for his actual birthday the cake was more mini sized and we were going to do something just the two of us for his actual birthday. I said if it were me and he had done that I would have thought it was sweet that he went to the trouble to get me a cake to celebrate with everyone.

Tonight I asked him to feed the baby so I could finish up something. Its his birthday today and he reluctantly said OK and as I continued to work on something he said "Yes just what I want to do on my birthday, not have any time to myself". I lost it. I had just taken him to supper, kid free, an hour away.

Bought the supper, bought drinks at Starbucks afterwards, spent $60 on a mini cake that was shipped to him and yet he was still saying how he didn't get to do anything he wanted for his birthday. After that comment I said I feel like a single parent and we are in the 50s.

I unleashed everything I had thought and then he says how he thought we were good and that he just wished I'd ask him to do things more. He always implies that I am saying he is an a$$hole and it feels like gaslighting....so AITA?

What do you think? AITA? This is what top commenters had to say:

Prairie_Crab said:

So you have to carry the mental weight of everything that needs to be done, and ASK him to do basic things for his own kids? He’s your husband, not your child! He needs a wake up call.

yellow_algae said:

NTA I bet he makes you do everything on your birthday. Also being a parent is full time you don't stop being one just because it's your birthday

thegloracle asked:

Does he have ANY redeeming qualities? other than a job?

OP responded:

He did help support my small business & made some things for it. Idk if it's a redeeming quality but he does stay home quite a bit & doesn't go out to bars etc. 🤷‍♀️

Battle-Afraid said:

NTA. You just have 4 kids. He is an adult and knows what needs to be done. If he didn't have you, he would have to do his own chores like cooking, cleaning, taking care of the kids, etc. He is fully aware of what it takes to run a household, he just doesn't want to. It is a conscious decision of his to not help. Also, what exactly does he normally do for your birthday?

OP responded:

My birthday was during the week last year and during Christmas break so he worked and I stayed home with the kids and then he took me out for supper the next night. Nothing fancy.

silly_Somewhere9088 said:

I would insist he takes a week off work, and OP go away for a holiday. Turn your phone off. Let the husband look after the house and kids for a week. Then let him talk about how much you work and how he works. Because OP works at work, then works at home. Husband just works at work.

And OP responded:

Funny you say that. I took a class in another state and had to stay in a hotel for 2 nights and he spent 1 night with our 9 month old, said he didn't get any sleep and then called my parents to watch the 9 month old, 7 yr old and 5 yr old.

Update:

I realize I worded the birthday celebration wrong and it caused mass confusion. We were at my parents house just because they invited us for supper and I, on a whim, decided I should get a cake and we can say happy birthday to him a day early...

BUT then I also asked what he wanted to do on his birthday and he said "Idk" and told me to pick where we should eat. I suggested Top Golf and he said no save your money. Last week he was prescribed a low dose of lexapro because he felt "down in the dumps"